Pregnant and husband has been sleeping with intern
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Anonymous
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I'm pregnant with twins and just discovered my husband has been sleeping with someone half his age (an intern, of all things, which is what I was to him when we met!). I want advice but think I should share our history first.
Throughout our relationship I've found sexually explicit chat transcripts and emails showing he was having online relationships with women (some of whom he knows in real life). At first I would confront him, and after getting mad at me for invading his privacy, he would promise to stop the behavior. He never did for long however, and eventually I mostly came to peace with the behavior and tried to tell myself it's just his version of porn. I adopted the philosophy that monogamy doesn't really make sense anyway and would tell him he can do whatever he wants, though neither of us ever made explicit what that meant. Our sex life has had its ups and downs. I have a medical condition that makes penetrative sex painful so I don't feel like it often, and it seems like a lot of the time when I do, he suddenly doesn't. So we average perhaps 2-3 times a month for "real" sex, but I try to offer lots of enthusiastic oral sex (not feigned!) to make up it, and across time average maybe 3 times a week. About a year and a half ago we started infertility treatment and started having PIV sex even less often because of the requirements and side effects, though the other forms of intimacy continued fairly unchanged. I finally got pregnant this spring. The first trimester was rough, and I felt sick constantly and mostly just wanted to be left alone. We had basically no intimacy during that period, and as it turns out, during that period my husband started a physical affair. It turned into an distance relationship when she left DC and returned home this fall. The relationship came to light when I was looking in our shared cell phone bill for something else. I told him what I'd found and said that I wasn't sure I could stay with him. He said that he loves me and wants us to be together and that he'd do anything to make that happen. I'm still reeling. I think if I weren't pregnant I would leave in a heartbeat. But I am, and overall, we're happy together. I'm not remotely afraid of being a single parent (trying to co-parent frightens me more, honestly), but I like the idea of being a family with my children's father. I'm inclined to stay together. But I'm so disgusted with him right now and so angry and so hurt. I also have no confidence that he won't keep seeing her or others, so I've got to come to terms with an open relationship of sorts. I feel really alone in this so I'm turning to dcurbanmoms for thoughts on how to move forward. Is it crazy to stay together? How do I let go of the anger and hurt? What should his role in that be? |
Anonymous
| I think it's crazy to stay together. And crazy that you didn't see this coming, given his history. People don't change. |
Anonymous
| Are you a troll, or are you really that much of an idiot? I vote troll... |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry that you're going through this, especially while pregnant with twins, OP, but please know that there are others out there who have faced the same discovery. Try the Just Found Out forum of SI: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp |
Anonymous
| Your husband is a sex addict and you need to leave him. In light of his addiction his visits with the children should be limited |
Anonymous
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try the website survivinginfidelity.com OP. People there have been there, done that. The biggest thing right now is you don't have to make any immediate decisions. You can wait as long as you like.
What should his role be? Ready and willing to do anything and everything it takes to work it out. Therapy if you want, curtailing some freedoms for awhile, whatever. I'm really sorry. |
Anonymous
| See a marriage counselor and get a lawyer on retainer. |
Anonymous
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He sounds like a sex addict.
This will be the rest of your life. |
Anonymous
+1 If you're real, why would you stay with him? |
Anonymous
+1 addict |
Anonymous
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My dear OP, You went ahead and had babies with this sex addict / disrespectful fellow, when you KNEW that he was morally (and perhaps physically) philandering? And now that he continues to do so, you are hurt? Is he very rich and powerful? I don't understand why you didn't leave when you had the chance. Co-parenting is hard, which is what you'll have to do if you divorce. But living with a man who obviously can't control himself is perhaps worse - or maybe not, for you. I would suggest therapy for him and yourself, separately! (the together kind aims to keep the relationship going, just so you know), and an evaluation for sex addiction. Really OP. I'm sorry to say this, but you've acted like a complete moron. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
| 3 times a week isn't much for oral sex. Can you increase the frequency to, say, twice a day? |
Anonymous
| You could not have anticipated this and now you're going to bring twins into your dysfunctional marriage? Kick him out and plan to be a single parent. Your priorities will change once you meet your children and you'll see that staying in your so-called marriage is nuts. Your husband is a tramp. |
Anonymous
In OP's defense, sometimes people are so in love that their denial is strong. "Love is blind," according to the old saying. OP, you are going to feel hurt. Don't let the judgmental tendencies rampant across DCUM prevent you from finding a support system. Definitely seek therapy but also seek a lawyer with an investigator who can find hidden assets and write a property agreement that will extend child support through college for the twins. My gut says that this guy has a lawyer in mind who would fight tooth and nail. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Nope, not a troll. True story. I didn't see the sex part coming. He's been doing the online stuff for a decade, and I honestly didn't realize it would escalate. Now of course I'm looking back and wondering which of those women he actually slept with, but I've never seen any evidence he actually did.
I don't really know what it is to be a sex addict. I do think he has a compulsion that he fails to control, but to call it an addiction would suggest that it's out of his hands, and I don't really believe that. Some people make open marriages work. Is it so crazy to consider? |