How do you ask grandparents to not force affection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your child really being harmed by this or is it your husbands hang ups?

Yes, your child is being harmed in the long run by learning she does not have agency over her own body. It is not a hang up to tell someone they get to control who touches them, that is someone that understands consent. It is detrimental to teach children that they need to subject themselves to other people touching them when it makes them physically uncomfortable. It is a simple conversation to say 'child doesn't want a hug, ask if she'll give you a high five or a wave.' If a grandparent doesn't understand this the parent needs to step in.

[Anonymous]

We would often just say "ok larlo, do you want a hug, a high five, or a fist bump" and if the adult tried to insist on the hug, just say cheerfully "maybe next time!"

I know it annoyed them especially during my kid's shy phase that lasted several years, but bodily autonomy is really important to me. They went along with it.

If anyone had gone with it, my explanation is that it's important my kid knows how to say "no" in the future if a teacher, coach, doctor, or other authority figure tried to force them to hug. I'm glad it didn't come to this though because I suspect it would have made them defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would often just say "ok larlo, do you want a hug, a high five, or a fist bump" and if the adult tried to insist on the hug, just say cheerfully "maybe next time!"

I know it annoyed them especially during my kid's shy phase that lasted several years, but bodily autonomy is really important to me. They went along with it.

If anyone had gone with it, my explanation is that it's important my kid knows how to say "no" in the future if a teacher, coach, doctor, or other authority figure tried to force them to hug. I'm glad it didn't come to this though because I suspect it would have made them defensive.

My parents are really elderly (80 when my kids were born,, with lots of grandkids already) so you'd think they'd be set in their ways, but they got this explanation IMMEDIATELY. They 100% realize that previous generations did not do a good job in teaching kids how to protect themselves proactively, and they totally understood this goal of teaching kids that it's okay to say no even if it's someone you know. It's grandpa today, but it's Neighbor or Coach or Teacher tomorrow asking for that hug. This was much more successful than just "Larlo doesn't want a hug" because they'd be convinced they could change his mind.

[Anonymous]

I understand about bodily autonomy, etc but I was raised in a Greek American household where you hugged and kissed (a quick peck on the cheek, NEVER on the mouth) when you arrived at someone's home, when anyone else entered that home and when we left the house. So if we arrived at 2pm for Christmas, we'd hug and kiss everyone there. When the next set of family arrived, we'd all do the same thing with the arrivals, and so forth. Again, a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. Kid cousins would hug each other or wave, but we would hug every aunt and uncle, grandfather and grandmother, etc. AND leaving the house meant it took 20 minutes, because we'd need to hug and kiss EVERY adult there.

I didn't like or dislike it, it just was. BUT nobody was chasing me around trying to kiss me or touch me throughout the visit. That would have been irritating, I'm sure.

i will say, I am very uncomfortable with parents kissing their children on the lips - I know many children who will hug me and then try to kiss me on the lips - I find that very inappropriate, as I think of that as sexual - I kiss my husband on the lips, my sister and my parents on the cheek.

AND I had NO problem telling my boyfriends they couldn't go past whatever we were doing unless I was comfortable. And they respected that.

So arrival/departure kissing on the cheek and a hug is, in my view, different and not the same as a grandparent wanting to hug my kid throughout the hours we are at her house. Honestly, I will agree with a previous poster - a grandparent who talked about it, complains about it, etc will mean that the kid will NOT do it on principle.

Now, as we are all hugging and kissing around, if a small child doesn't want that, then people can just shake hands and leave it at that, and we've all done that! The child either grows into being fine with hugging and kissing at arrival/departure or doesn't, and that needs to be fine, too. But usually if it's the norm, then most kids do it by the time they are 5 or 6 if that's the family's culture.

My sister and I hugged and kissed our parents goodnight every night until we decided we were too old for that - probably 6th grade? I don't remember. And, if there were guests over for dinner, we'd get ready for bed and then come down and hug/kiss our parents - and say goodnight to the guests - and then go off to bed all throughout elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is wrong. If your child is uncomfortable, that's different. Your parents hugging your child is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

I’ll not sugarcoat it and tell straight forward “ Dad, Mom the children don’t like kisses. Can we promote affection in other ways?…. Not need to hurt feelings. Telling what the children don’t enjoy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand about bodily autonomy, etc but I was raised in a Greek American household where you hugged and kissed (a quick peck on the cheek, NEVER on the mouth) when you arrived at someone's home, when anyone else entered that home and when we left the house. So if we arrived at 2pm for Christmas, we'd hug and kiss everyone there. When the next set of family arrived, we'd all do the same thing with the arrivals, and so forth. Again, a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. Kid cousins would hug each other or wave, but we would hug every aunt and uncle, grandfather and grandmother, etc. AND leaving the house meant it took 20 minutes, because we'd need to hug and kiss EVERY adult there.

I didn't like or dislike it, it just was. BUT nobody was chasing me around trying to kiss me or touch me throughout the visit. That would have been irritating, I'm sure.

i will say, I am very uncomfortable with parents kissing their children on the lips - I know many children who will hug me and then try to kiss me on the lips - I find that very inappropriate, as I think of that as sexual - I kiss my husband on the lips, my sister and my parents on the cheek.

AND I had NO problem telling my boyfriends they couldn't go past whatever we were doing unless I was comfortable. And they respected that.

So arrival/departure kissing on the cheek and a hug is, in my view, different and not the same as a grandparent wanting to hug my kid throughout the hours we are at her house. Honestly, I will agree with a previous poster - a grandparent who talked about it, complains about it, etc will mean that the kid will NOT do it on principle.

Now, as we are all hugging and kissing around, if a small child doesn't want that, then people can just shake hands and leave it at that, and we've all done that! The child either grows into being fine with hugging and kissing at arrival/departure or doesn't, and that needs to be fine, too. But usually if it's the norm, then most kids do it by the time they are 5 or 6 if that's the family's culture.

My sister and I hugged and kissed our parents goodnight every night until we decided we were too old for that - probably 6th grade? I don't remember. And, if there were guests over for dinner, we'd get ready for bed and then come down and hug/kiss our parents - and say goodnight to the guests - and then go off to bed all throughout elementary school.

+1

I grew up in an Italian American household and we always hug everyone hello and goodbye and give a peck on the cheek. It’s a cultural thing and it’s just what we did/do. My DH’s culture you give a hug. It’s a greeting and it’s what family does. We are very clear with our children that there is a difference between family and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I know how much you love kiddo, and you are wonderful grandparents. However, kiddo sometimes doesn't like getting hugs and kisses. Would you please not give him/her hugs and kisses when he/she says no? I'd hate to have that be a negative part of your visit when kiddo loves your visits so much."

Grandparents should get up and leave if you do this. Your kid is a spoiled brat and you and your DH are jerks.

[Anonymous]

The grandpas especially need to chill. Sorry I am not forcing my daughter to receive nonconsensual kisses (that slobbery one especially) from men. Hard no.

Just tell them to ease up and read the kid's cues. I would gladly tell my dad to stop forcing kisses on little girls and remind him that the world has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand about bodily autonomy, etc but I was raised in a Greek American household where you hugged and kissed (a quick peck on the cheek, NEVER on the mouth) when you arrived at someone's home, when anyone else entered that home and when we left the house. So if we arrived at 2pm for Christmas, we'd hug and kiss everyone there. When the next set of family arrived, we'd all do the same thing with the arrivals, and so forth. Again, a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. Kid cousins would hug each other or wave, but we would hug every aunt and uncle, grandfather and grandmother, etc. AND leaving the house meant it took 20 minutes, because we'd need to hug and kiss EVERY adult there.

I didn't like or dislike it, it just was. BUT nobody was chasing me around trying to kiss me or touch me throughout the visit. That would have been irritating, I'm sure.

i will say, I am very uncomfortable with parents kissing their children on the lips - I know many children who will hug me and then try to kiss me on the lips - I find that very inappropriate, as I think of that as sexual - I kiss my husband on the lips, my sister and my parents on the cheek.

AND I had NO problem telling my boyfriends they couldn't go past whatever we were doing unless I was comfortable. And they respected that.

So arrival/departure kissing on the cheek and a hug is, in my view, different and not the same as a grandparent wanting to hug my kid throughout the hours we are at her house. Honestly, I will agree with a previous poster - a grandparent who talked about it, complains about it, etc will mean that the kid will NOT do it on principle.

Now, as we are all hugging and kissing around, if a small child doesn't want that, then people can just shake hands and leave it at that, and we've all done that! The child either grows into being fine with hugging and kissing at arrival/departure or doesn't, and that needs to be fine, too. But usually if it's the norm, then most kids do it by the time they are 5 or 6 if that's the family's culture.

My sister and I hugged and kissed our parents goodnight every night until we decided we were too old for that - probably 6th grade? I don't remember. And, if there were guests over for dinner, we'd get ready for bed and then come down and hug/kiss our parents - and say goodnight to the guests - and then go off to bed all throughout elementary school.

+1

I grew up in an Italian American household and we always hug everyone hello and goodbye and give a peck on the cheek. It’s a cultural thing and it’s just what we did/do. My DH’s culture you give a hug. It’s a greeting and it’s what family does. We are very clear with our children that there is a difference between family and everyone else.

LOL your family members are unfortunately the most likely to push those boundaries into abuse--strangers don't have the access. Just saying if you want to play the odds, focus on the familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Babies are kiss and hug magnets. It is simply ridiculous to not let your parents kiss your children and ask for a kiss and a hug. When my children were much younger and I would ask for a hug and a kiss and they said No, then I would say, "O.K. but may I give ou a hug and a kiss"? and they always said yes. Children are not going to be hurt by their grandparents affection but you are hurting your parents and your children by deliberately withholding this affection. You and your husband are idiots. Read what I wrote, I am talking about GRANDPARENTS, not strangers.

You are impressively wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I think there's a fine line here. Yes, you want to promote your child's right to control his/her own body and to be able to say "no" to unwanted contact. But is kissing grandparents really an issue of "controlling one's own body"? I'm not so sure. These are grandparents, not the school janitor, for god's sake.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say to a child "You need to kiss gpa/gma hello and goodbye. It will hurt their feelings if you don't accept their kiss."

Kissing hello and goodbye is etiquette for a child.

No. “It will hurt their feelings if you don’t” is manipulative and ridiculous. They are adults. They need to grow up and not make everything about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I think there's a fine line here. Yes, you want to promote your child's right to control his/her own body and to be able to say "no" to unwanted contact. But is kissing grandparents really an issue of "controlling one's own body"? I'm not so sure. These are grandparents, not the school janitor, for god's sake.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say to a child "You need to kiss gpa/gma hello and goodbye. It will hurt their feelings if you don't accept their kiss."

Kissing hello and goodbye is etiquette for a child.

I think this is a weird precedent to set. I think controlling your own body, trusting your own instincts, and expressing sincere affection is more important. To each her/his own.

OP, my in-laws used to try to push my nephews to hug and kiss me when they rarely saw me. I told my MIL and FIL not to tell the boys that they had to give me affection, and that I was willing to wait for them to approach me on their own. Now, that we've gotten to know each other, they hang all over me, willingly. Some older adults just don't get it, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try.

The concept of controlling your own body applies in the realm of sexual abuse. But there are many other instances in which we do NOT control our own bodies. Especially children. We tell them all day long what to do with their bodies. It's hypocritical to turn around and say "Oh, Annabelle controls her own body, she gets to decide whether or not to kiss Grandma Gertie." And I stand by my statement that good etiquette calls for giving your grandparents a kiss hello and goodbye. It's not child abuse or an abuse of your child's control of their own body to expect them to deliver a kiss to an elderly family member. It's good manners. You are not expecting that they accept a sexual favor.

And this business about "expressing sincere affection." Please. Give me a break. Maybe your child shouldn't have to share either. That's not sincere.

No, it’s not “good manners.” That’s dumb Boomer logic (and no, I don’t care if you aren’t mathematically a Boomer).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe what I’m reading here. No wonder this younger generation are spoiled brats. This new age parenting is not teaching them anything but self importance and entitlement. These are grandparents, not strangers. Maybe they don’t want to hug and kiss them but they can give knuckles or something. Teach them respect for goodness sakes!

Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I know how much you love kiddo, and you are wonderful grandparents. However, kiddo sometimes doesn't like getting hugs and kisses. Would you please not give him/her hugs and kisses when he/she says no? I'd hate to have that be a negative part of your visit when kiddo loves your visits so much."

Grandparents should get up and leave if you do this. Your kid is a spoiled brat and you and your DH are jerks.

If the grandparents want to throw a tantrum because they can’t force a kiss on a child who says no, it’s probably best that they (and you) leave.