How do you ask grandparents to not force affection?

[Anonymous]

My parents are VERY affectionate people and it makes my husband a little uncomfortable. Like all children, our LO will say no often but they go ahead and give the kiss or hug anyway.

I agree with my husband that LO has the right to say no and that his wishes should be respected. On the other hand, I know my parents are just your typical doting grandparents and are just expressing their love. I realize that I should broach the subject with them but am not sure how to do so without hurting their feelings.

How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

"I know how much you love kiddo, and you are wonderful grandparents. However, kiddo sometimes doesn't like getting hugs and kisses. Would you please not give him/her hugs and kisses when he/she says no? I'd hate to have that be a negative part of your visit when kiddo loves your visits so much."

[Anonymous]

I am very interested in this issue, too, as my father gives sloppy, messy kisses (kind of like a big slobbery dog) and my child does NOT like them (and i never did, either, but I tolerated them better than she does). My dad is aware of the issue, and is nonetheless very hurt when my daughter shies away from him, or wipes it off immediately.
I don't know what to do. She can't NOT allow her grandpa to kiss her, can she?

[Anonymous]

Is your child really being harmed by this or is it your husbands hang ups?

[Anonymous]

I just tell the person that DC is going through a shy phase and we're respecting her space.

So far, no hurt feelings either way.

[Anonymous]

"She can't NOT allow her grandpa to kiss her, can she?"

Yes she can. Defining her own comfort level with her body is an important skill to develop now for later. You need to have a little heart-to-heart with your dad. Your daughter needs to know she can tell someone she loves "NO" with respect to her body and expect her request to be respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in this issue, too, as my father gives sloppy, messy kisses (kind of like a big slobbery dog) and my child does NOT like them (and i never did, either, but I tolerated them better than she does). My dad is aware of the issue, and is nonetheless very hurt when my daughter shies away from him, or wipes it off immediately.
I don't know what to do. She can't NOT allow her grandpa to kiss her, can she?

Yes, she can. If she doesn't like the physical affection, please let her express that and insist that grandpa respects her feelings. If grandpa's intent is to show love, he can hug, play games, take her to the park, etc.

Please don't teach DC, intetntionally or not, that physical love is uncomfortable, that it is something that she has to 'tolerate', or that it is something that can be forced on her. This will set a very bad precedent for her going forward.

[Anonymous]

WTH is a "sloppy messy kiss" from your Dad

[Anonymous]

Is this an issue only at hellos and goodbyes or are the gpas doing this constantly throughout the visit? I would urge the kid to be more tolerant if its the first scenario, and really step in and intervene with the gpas if its the second. I don't see a quick greeting as a huge deal, but if they are tormenting the child, you need to make it stop.

[Anonymous]

Your child needs to know that she controls who touches her and how.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, please do. To this day I do NOT like kissing and feel grossed out by it due to being kissed constantly by a certain relative. Looking back, I wonder if there was something pervy about him. Whether that's true or not, I know that at the time I didn't like him, always felt stressed out when I had to go near him, and being made to tolerate a kiss from him was just horrid, horrid, horrifyingly horrid.

Please, please, please, respect your child and his / her physical ownership of his / her own body. Rule number one in our house, we are always polite but we do NOT have to hug or kiss if we do not want to.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, forgot to answer your question as to how do you ask grandparents to do this.

Here's what we said:

"Hey mom, dad, weird subject, but here goes. They say now that you should always let your child control his / her body, with respect to giving and receving affection. That means if she's not in the mood to give a hug or kiss, we respect it. It just makes sense to me, and I'd do it anyway, but the experts are now saying that letting the kid know his / her body is his own helps them make better decisions when they get older and are ever in concerning situations, like being pressured from a boyfriend for sex or getting touched inappropriately, etc. It lets them know it is okay to say "no." I know it's quite a jump to go from affection between grandparents to something like that, but if you think about it, it makes sense. The point is, not everyone who will want to hug her will have her best interest in mind, so we're teaching her from the get-go that it is okay to say "no."

I can see how parents would get offended if you bring up the sexual abuse thing (like somehow they'd think you were connecting THEIR affection to that) so leave that part out if you feel like your parents would misunderstand. But I just wanted to tell my parents exactly what I was thinking, since I knew they'd get it once I explained.

for other people (friends, etc) I give a truncated response, basically "she's not in the mood for a hug or kiss right now, please don't force it." I figure if they're not grandparents, they shouldn'te even TRY to force the hug or kiss.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My DD dislikes it when my father kisses her. He has a beard. She has very sensitive skin. She loves her grandfather and hugs him a lot. She will also kiss him, but she has actually told him that his beard hurts her face. He is respectful of how she feels. It's cute though---she asked him to kiss the back of her hand from now on. I always go with respect the child.

[Anonymous]

Babies are kiss and hug magnets. It is simply ridiculous to not let your parents kiss your children and ask for a kiss and a hug. When my children were much younger and I would ask for a hug and a kiss and they said No, then I would say, "O.K. but may I give ou a hug and a kiss"? and they always said yes. Children are not going to be hurt by their grandparents affection but you are hurting your parents and your children by deliberately withholding this affection. You and your husband are idiots. Read what I wrote, I am talking about GRANDPARENTS, not strangers.

[Anonymous]

I always offer up an option that gives my kid an out: you're not ready for a hug/ kiss right now? How abt blowing a kiss? Or a high five?