How do you ask grandparents to not force affection?

[Anonymous]

My inlaws do this and it drives me bananas. During every get together they stand around asking when dd is going to give them a hug or kiss and act totally offended and repeatedly asking every time she shies away. It is one thing to hug or kiss hello (or not) but it becomes the constant subject matter of the whole get together and becomes a "thing." I tried to say something once to the effect Of "please stop asking. She will do it when she wants and the more you ask the more she will not want to." and my DH wasn't happy with my reaction. But it is the truth. I know from personal experience that the family members that either forced kisses on me or made it a big issue because I didn't like being smothered with kisses were the ones who I dreaded/avoided the most.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses.

My dad in particular will give kisses & hugs the entire visit. My LO gets upset, says no, goes away but then just does it again later.

He's VERY sensitive and I know this conversation will offend him. I've tried telling him that she doesn't like getting kissed or hugged but that's not registering.

[Anonymous]

I think you know what you need to say to your parents, you just don't want to do it because you don't want to hurt their feelings which I totally understand. But be a mom first. Take care of your kid. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm. I think there's a fine line here. Yes, you want to promote your child's right to control his/her own body and to be able to say "no" to unwanted contact. But is kissing grandparents really an issue of "controlling one's own body"? I'm not so sure. These are grandparents, not the school janitor, for god's sake.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say to a child "You need to kiss gpa/gma hello and goodbye. It will hurt their feelings if you don't accept their kiss."

Kissing hello and goodbye is etiquette for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child needs to know that she controls who touches her and how.

This is how I feel about it. I dont care if it's my parents or my husband's parents/any relative, if DD doesnt feel like a hug/kiss then she will never be forced to. I dont feel like hugs/kisses all the time so why should she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I think there's a fine line here. Yes, you want to promote your child's right to control his/her own body and to be able to say "no" to unwanted contact. But is kissing grandparents really an issue of "controlling one's own body"? I'm not so sure. These are grandparents, not the school janitor, for god's sake.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say to a child "You need to kiss gpa/gma hello and goodbye. It will hurt their feelings if you don't accept their kiss."

Kissing hello and goodbye is etiquette for a child.

I think this is a weird precedent to set. I think controlling your own body, trusting your own instincts, and expressing sincere affection is more important. To each her/his own.

OP, my in-laws used to try to push my nephews to hug and kiss me when they rarely saw me. I told my MIL and FIL not to tell the boys that they had to give me affection, and that I was willing to wait for them to approach me on their own. Now, that we've gotten to know each other, they hang all over me, willingly. Some older adults just don't get it, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try.

[Anonymous]

So those of you with kids who don't really like to be kissed or hugged - do you also not kiss / hug them? Do you always ask permission before you touch them?

I would find that to be a weird dynamic in our home. I don't want my kids growing up with no hugs or kisses or any physical affection. we aren't all over them but I kiss my kids goodnight every night and they see that as part of being loved/cared for - I don't ask them first if I have their permission to touch their body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I think there's a fine line here. Yes, you want to promote your child's right to control his/her own body and to be able to say "no" to unwanted contact. But is kissing grandparents really an issue of "controlling one's own body"? I'm not so sure. These are grandparents, not the school janitor, for god's sake.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say to a child "You need to kiss gpa/gma hello and goodbye. It will hurt their feelings if you don't accept their kiss."

Kissing hello and goodbye is etiquette for a child.

I think this is a weird precedent to set. I think controlling your own body, trusting your own instincts, and expressing sincere affection is more important. To each her/his own.

OP, my in-laws used to try to push my nephews to hug and kiss me when they rarely saw me. I told my MIL and FIL not to tell the boys that they had to give me affection, and that I was willing to wait for them to approach me on their own. Now, that we've gotten to know each other, they hang all over me, willingly. Some older adults just don't get it, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try.

The concept of controlling your own body applies in the realm of sexual abuse. But there are many other instances in which we do NOT control our own bodies. Especially children. We tell them all day long what to do with their bodies. It's hypocritical to turn around and say "Oh, Annabelle controls her own body, she gets to decide whether or not to kiss Grandma Gertie." And I stand by my statement that good etiquette calls for giving your grandparents a kiss hello and goodbye. It's not child abuse or an abuse of your child's control of their own body to expect them to deliver a kiss to an elderly family member. It's good manners. You are not expecting that they accept a sexual favor.

And this business about "expressing sincere affection." Please. Give me a break. Maybe your child shouldn't have to share either. That's not sincere.

[Anonymous]

Ok I'm just going to say it:
The pp's saying it is etiquette to HAVE to give grandparents PHYSICAL affection are just naive and nuts.
Physical affection is to be given freely. It teaches your child to have ownership over their persons.
It teaches them that later in life if someone to whom they are related, or have a close relationship, especially someone in authority over them (teacher, coach, etc.) tries to be physical and the kid is uncomfortable they have the RIGHT to say no. If my dd says no to me about a hug or kiss... that is fine..sometimes i tell her no...she is a big hugger. It boggles my mind that someone would force ANYONE to kiss them.

[Anonymous]

You people with no respect for your children's body autonomy need to read up on sexual abuse. Your kids will be the targets if you don't teach them it's okay to say no, it's okay to hurt feelings, it's okay not to comply with a demand for affection. Yes, it's a grandparent, but guess what? Trusted people (not saying your parents, but other positions of trust) have molested kids. So if you teach kids they must comply with the physical requests of "trusted" sources, or on command, you are still undermining their right to make their own body decisions. Saying hello and goodbye, looking in the eye, sharing, etc, all etiquette. Forcing a kiss? Not etiquette. How would you like it if I told you you had to kiss a homeless man? What if he had just urinated on himself? Yes, I expect people's parents aren't in the "gross" category, but if you don't want to kiss someone, you shouldn't have to. Same with your children.

OP, if your father is pushing it all visit, I simply can't believe your husband had to TELL YOU to tell him to back off. You need to enforce, your dad's creeping me out long distance.

[Anonymous]

BTW, all of you posters who say kids must submit to these kisses and touches? How would you like it if you were told you had to accept wet kisses on the mouth from your father in law, when you least expected it? Or, worse, told you must kiss him back?

Why is this inappropriate, but you would say it is entirely appropriate to do this to a child?

You people are nuts.

[Anonymous]

"And I stand by my statement that good etiquette calls for giving your grandparents a kiss hello and goodbye."

Weird. Are you from the South?

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids air kisses, where you get close but don't actually touch. Ask your kids (if they are old enough) if that would be an acceptable way to get/give kisses from the slobbery set. I bet they will say yes.

THEN tell grandpa that you've reached a compromise. Just say - "hey, don't get your feelings hurt - but Sally/Bobby are shy around big kissers, but they have been having fun practicing air kisses and that's how they want to do it for now." Maybe that would smooth over the awkwardness of it.

I don't think graparents are entitled to kisses and FWIW I put my kids feelings ahead of the grandparents. That's the new pecking order. Sorry mom and dad. Surely your kids can display good manners and a proper greeting without submitting to unwanted kisses.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. No wonder this younger generation are spoiled brats. This new age parenting is not teaching them anything but self importance and entitlement. These are grandparents, not strangers. Maybe they don’t want to hug and kiss them but they can give knuckles or something. Teach them respect for goodness sakes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in this issue, too, as my father gives sloppy, messy kisses (kind of like a big slobbery dog) and my child does NOT like them (and i never did, either, but I tolerated them better than she does). My dad is aware of the issue, and is nonetheless very hurt when my daughter shies away from him, or wipes it off immediately.
I don't know what to do. She can't NOT allow her grandpa to kiss her, can she?

Yes she should tell grandpa to stop kissing her. You are teaching her that her body is not her own so when a romantuc partner forces themselves she won't feel comfortable saying no. If you allow this.

You have to stick up for your daughter. Tell dad to high five or fist bump and the reasons why.