Are standards for fathers that low?

[Anonymous]

There are lower standards in every aspect for men - professionally, personally, etc.
women are expected to do more, simply because we can.

[Anonymous]

Ex was very involved, but it came with being a control freak. The kid belong to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are lower standards in every aspect for men - professionally, personally, etc.
women are expected to do more, simply because we can.

💩

[Anonymous]

Bottles and diapers are easy. Can he handle spirit week at school, teacher appreciation and the birthday party circuit? While also remembering his own family members birthdays and gifts?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a great father and has been the default parent in our family from day 1. A true partner is every sense, including carrying his share of the mental load, keeping track of schedules, which kid outgrew their shoes, and making sure the kids’ sports gear is washed and ready to go for the weekend’s games. But the daddy privilege is real. He’d take the kids grocery shopping or to run errands and the store clerks would just fawn all over him and the kids, offer to let him cut the line because he “hands his hands full babysitting” and marvel at how he knew to take care of them. Meanwhile, I’d take the kids out and people would barely hold the door open for me as I tired to push the stroller through.

The bar is low for men BUT it’s a double-edged sword. I can’t even count the number of times we’ve submitted forms for various things listing DH as the primary contact and they still call me. The doctor’s office, the school, camp. It’s just presumed that because I’m listed as the mom, I’m the one who should be called. But I travel a lot for work which is why DH is the primary contact. When I’ve told the caller that I’m traveling and to call my DH, they act like I’m asking them to hand my kids over to a criminal. We have so many other examples of this in other contexts—roadblocks being put up for him because it’s something that moms typically do. We just had another situation this past week—someone grilling him on the phone about why the text reminders for the kids’ appointments need to go to him, not me. It’s just baffling. We want men to be involved fathers, it’s good for families and societies for them to be involved, yet so many people carry this outdated and insulting stereotype of men and women when it comes to raising kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these threads. I guess it depends on your social circle. No one in mine (mostly two working parents) would find this notable at all

Same. Most of the Dads in my neighborhood/circle are perfectly capable of caring for babies and kids solo (millennial Dads).

Exactly. This is called a stereotype and stereotypes are ignorant.

Would you say “most” Of the moms in your circle are perfectly capable of caring for babies and kids solo? Of course not because we all know without doubt all the moms are capable. The fact that even you say only most of the dads should give you pause. I can’t believe you are seriously refuting that there is still an enormous imbalance between the sexes here. Pretending it doesn’t exist does not help anyone.

No actually I am the primary parent as a Dad and my wife is a wreck. Why are you so biased?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s that boomers didn’t make their husbands do anything. My mom went on and on about how my dad never changed a diaper. When I had my kids, he quietly learned how to change a diaper and changed my kids if they were wet when he was playing with them (often. He saw them daily). He told me my mom criticized everything he did and didn’t let him.

Millennial men step up. They still might be lacking on emotional labor things like planning holidays or even cleaning a home. But I see mostly men at daycare pickup and drop offs. I was at an elementary school field trip today and it was half dads as chaperones. Men are at the playground en masse on the weekends with their kids.

My dh rarely makes bottles. I EBF at home and on weekends, but pump for daycare. I make all the bottles because I have a way of mixing the milk and I made it all so I remember which bottle was morning milk, etc.

This. My father tried to do that sort of thing and was basically driven off by my mother. I was born in '67.

[Anonymous]

geesh, do you women ever stop complaining? no wonder you are all divorced. who wants to live with so much negative energy??

[Anonymous]

Was this an older person?

Fifteen years ago I was carrying our baby in a carrier (and not doing anything else) while my wife was holding our toddler's hand. An older woman came up to me and said, "You are SUCH a good father." She totally ignored my wife.

I think for that some people of older generations, the idea of a father doing any basic childcare is unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these threads. I guess it depends on your social circle. No one in mine (mostly two working parents) would find this notable at all

Same. Most of the Dads in my neighborhood/circle are perfectly capable of caring for babies and kids solo (millennial Dads).

Exactly. This is called a stereotype and stereotypes are ignorant.

It's not a stereotype to say that many people in our communities congratulate men for parenting their children. That is a real thing that happens.

+1 Even if your peer group doesn't do this, you will encounter it in the wider community, including older people and teachers. Do my closest friends fawn all over my husband for basic parenting, no. That doesn't mean my mom and MIL, the teachers and principal at our school, people at the park and playground, waiters and waitresses, flight attendants, etc. don't do it. Or that all these people don't offer my husband help and benefit of the doubt when he's parenting around them, while giving moms nothing but judgment and unsolicited advice.

I'm a primary parent father and I've never encountered this. I trust that it DOES happen sometimes, because people talk about it, but it's not universal. The only congratulations I've gotten for parenting was for volunteering and was the same congratulations all the volunteers got. I got A LOT of judgment and unsolicited advice from women when I had younger kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these threads. I guess it depends on your social circle. No one in mine (mostly two working parents) would find this notable at all

Same. Most of the Dads in my neighborhood/circle are perfectly capable of caring for babies and kids solo (millennial Dads).

Exactly. This is called a stereotype and stereotypes are ignorant.

It's not a stereotype to say that many people in our communities congratulate men for parenting their children. That is a real thing that happens.

+1 Even if your peer group doesn't do this, you will encounter it in the wider community, including older people and teachers. Do my closest friends fawn all over my husband for basic parenting, no. That doesn't mean my mom and MIL, the teachers and principal at our school, people at the park and playground, waiters and waitresses, flight attendants, etc. don't do it. Or that all these people don't offer my husband help and benefit of the doubt when he's parenting around them, while giving moms nothing but judgment and unsolicited advice.

I'm a primary parent father and I've never encountered this. I trust that it DOES happen sometimes, because people talk about it, but it's not universal. The only congratulations I've gotten for parenting was for volunteering and was the same congratulations all the volunteers got. I got A LOT of judgment and unsolicited advice from women when I had younger kids too.

Thanks for sharing your experience. But your experience as one man does not invalidate the experience of numerous women. It doesn't even invalidate the experience of one woman. You can insist you have never been congratulated for parenting your own children until your face turns blue. That doesn't make OP's anecdote or that of numerous other posters false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these threads. I guess it depends on your social circle. No one in mine (mostly two working parents) would find this notable at all

Same. Most of the Dads in my neighborhood/circle are perfectly capable of caring for babies and kids solo (millennial Dads).

Exactly. This is called a stereotype and stereotypes are ignorant.

It's not a stereotype to say that many people in our communities congratulate men for parenting their children. That is a real thing that happens.

+1 Even if your peer group doesn't do this, you will encounter it in the wider community, including older people and teachers. Do my closest friends fawn all over my husband for basic parenting, no. That doesn't mean my mom and MIL, the teachers and principal at our school, people at the park and playground, waiters and waitresses, flight attendants, etc. don't do it. Or that all these people don't offer my husband help and benefit of the doubt when he's parenting around them, while giving moms nothing but judgment and unsolicited advice.

I'm a primary parent father and I've never encountered this. I trust that it DOES happen sometimes, because people talk about it, but it's not universal. The only congratulations I've gotten for parenting was for volunteering and was the same congratulations all the volunteers got. I got A LOT of judgment and unsolicited advice from women when I had younger kids too.

Thanks for sharing your experience. But your experience as one man does not invalidate the experience of numerous women. It doesn't even invalidate the experience of one woman. You can insist you have never been congratulated for parenting your own children until your face turns blue. That doesn't make OP's anecdote or that of numerous other posters false.

The pp did not invalidate anything whatsoever. He said that the narrative being discussed is not universal. That’s an obvious fact so what would be the problem of saying so?

It’s not unreasonable to say that fathers would know firsthand the kinds of compliments made to…fathers…. They have plenty of personal experience. It’s obviously based mostly on who you surround yourself with so it is not very thoughtful to make sweeping generations about such an inherently personal experience.

You seem to have a bias that is making you so determined to paint a certain picture about how easy men have it in life. Of course men face advantages in many facets of our society. Parenting is not really one of them in my personal experience.