Are standards for fathers that low?

[Anonymous]

Had a kid recently and people are impressed I know how to make a bottle saying a lot of fathers don’t. Seems wild.

[Anonymous]

The answer is yes. A lot of man child dads out there

[Anonymous]

Yes, the standards are very low. It's good you recognize it. Never let those low standards allow you to lower your own standards.

Also it's good to be aware of exactly how HIGH the standards for your wife are. Like as you are getting pats on the back for knowing how to make a bottle, your wife is over there being judged for literally every aspect of parenting even the crap she could not possibly control even if she tried.

If you understand this dynamic, it will save you a lot of marital strain. You can start now by telling her, tonight, how impressed you are with what it took for her to have this baby and what a great mom she's already shaping up to be. Like pay forward those compliments you received for putting together a single bottle (and that you will receive for simply being seen in public with your child, buying food at the grocery store, simply knowing your child's teacher's names, etc.) and give them to your wife who will NEVER get a compliment for any of that stuff and will instead be criticized for doing it wrong no matter how she does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the standards are very low. It's good you recognize it. Never let those low standards allow you to lower your own standards.

Also it's good to be aware of exactly how HIGH the standards for your wife are. Like as you are getting pats on the back for knowing how to make a bottle, your wife is over there being judged for literally every aspect of parenting even the crap she could not possibly control even if she tried.

If you understand this dynamic, it will save you a lot of marital strain. You can start now by telling her, tonight, how impressed you are with what it took for her to have this baby and what a great mom she's already shaping up to be. Like pay forward those compliments you received for putting together a single bottle (and that you will receive for simply being seen in public with your child, buying food at the grocery store, simply knowing your child's teacher's names, etc.) and give them to your wife who will NEVER get a compliment for any of that stuff and will instead be criticized for doing it wrong no matter how she does it.

[Anonymous]

Yup. I’m divorced now, and xH will take off for 3 weeks at a time to travel leaving me with the kids, or will dump them at my house weekends he’s supposed to have custody because he’s “too stressed” to deal with them. Nobody bats an eye, his mom even enables him with “she’s the mom, she’s supposed to watch them, you deserve a break”.

[Anonymous]

No, not in our circle. Men can change a diaper or make a bottle, women can change a tire or use a drill. I think think it’s mostly in traditional gender norm hikes that people are wowed by a dad doing women’s work or a mom doing man’s work.

[Anonymous]

Just worry about the standards you set for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s that boomers didn’t make their husbands do anything. My mom went on and on about how my dad never changed a diaper. When I had my kids, he quietly learned how to change a diaper and changed my kids if they were wet when he was playing with them (often. He saw them daily). He told me my mom criticized everything he did and didn’t let him.

Millennial men step up. They still might be lacking on emotional labor things like planning holidays or even cleaning a home. But I see mostly men at daycare pickup and drop offs. I was at an elementary school field trip today and it was half dads as chaperones. Men are at the playground en masse on the weekends with their kids.

My dh rarely makes bottles. I EBF at home and on weekends, but pump for daycare. I make all the bottles because I have a way of mixing the milk and I made it all so I remember which bottle was morning milk, etc.

[Anonymous]

My mil and fil always bragged that he had never changed a diaper either. I didn’t think it was something to be proud of.

Sadly, a movie that is basically a remake of Mr. Mom just came out. We were watching the trailer at the movies theater and I just couldn’t see the humor in it. It seemed pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil and fil always bragged that he had never changed a diaper either. I didn’t think it was something to be proud of.

Sadly, a movie that is basically a remake of Mr. Mom just came out. We were watching the trailer at the movies theater and I just couldn’t see the humor in it. It seemed pathetic.

I saw the trailer for this too; you mean the one where the mom goes on Shark Tank?

I also didn’t find it funny at all. We shouldn’t be celebrating a man who can’t do laundry (his solution was to buy this kids new clothes every 2 weeks and burn the old ones?), no matter what his character arc is. Even if he learns to do it in the end, it’s really not funny when men can’t do very basic life tasks.

[Anonymous]

People were praising my DH too for making bottles. Like it wasn’t the Baby Brezza doing it. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil and fil always bragged that he had never changed a diaper either. I didn’t think it was something to be proud of.

Sadly, a movie that is basically a remake of Mr. Mom just came out. We were watching the trailer at the movies theater and I just couldn’t see the humor in it. It seemed pathetic.

Yeah, I wanted to throw objects at the screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s that boomers didn’t make their husbands do anything. My mom went on and on about how my dad never changed a diaper. When I had my kids, he quietly learned how to change a diaper and changed my kids if they were wet when he was playing with them (often. He saw them daily). He told me my mom criticized everything he did and didn’t let him.

Millennial men step up. They still might be lacking on emotional labor things like planning holidays or even cleaning a home. But I see mostly men at daycare pickup and drop offs. I was at an elementary school field trip today and it was half dads as chaperones. Men are at the playground en masse on the weekends with their kids.

My dh rarely makes bottles. I EBF at home and on weekends, but pump for daycare. I make all the bottles because I have a way of mixing the milk and I made it all so I remember which bottle was morning milk, etc.

Lol to this comment. Can we just talk about what you did here?

It's boomers fault, but not all boomers -- just women. Women are responsible for deciding what their husbands do.

My dad is actually a competent parent but my mother simply never let him do anything, which is why he didn't.

Millenial men are way better, they do way more. I mean not planning things or cleaning things, but high visibility/low effort things like taking their kids to and from school or standing looking at their phone while their kids play at playgrounds.

I don't let my husband feed our baby or have anything to do with bottles because only I know how to do it and he would just screw it up (twist! you're your mom!).

It's like you looked up a list of every misogynist trope about women and parenting and were trying to score a Yahtzee or something.

[Anonymous]

I've never met a man my age who didn't make bottles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s that boomers didn’t make their husbands do anything. My mom went on and on about how my dad never changed a diaper. When I had my kids, he quietly learned how to change a diaper and changed my kids if they were wet when he was playing with them (often. He saw them daily). He told me my mom criticized everything he did and didn’t let him.

Millennial men step up. They still might be lacking on emotional labor things like planning holidays or even cleaning a home. But I see mostly men at daycare pickup and drop offs. I was at an elementary school field trip today and it was half dads as chaperones. Men are at the playground en masse on the weekends with their kids.

My dh rarely makes bottles. I EBF at home and on weekends, but pump for daycare. I make all the bottles because I have a way of mixing the milk and I made it all so I remember which bottle was morning milk, etc.

A lot of these men had to be yelled at by their wives to start parenting their children. Then they started stepping up but still resent their wives for not thinking they are God's gift to women because they do 40% of the parenting and housework and bring in 50% of the household income.