Am I wrong for refusing to host BIL?

[Anonymous]

Serious Questions

Why can’t BIL coordinate where he’s staying on his own less you - your home ?
Why can’t he go stay w his parents ?
Why did your ILs think it was ok to offer up your home for his visit ?

Ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't wrong, but you need marriage counseling ASAP. You have a husband problem. Refusing to host an addict, however "harmless" others may perceive him to be is an appropriate choice.

For those in the back, once again, OP never said her BIL is an addict, or an alcoholic. Her definition of "excessive drinking" is "a few beers a day."

A few beers a day is absolutely excessive drinking.

For men, 14 or more drinks per week is considered an alcoholic. For women, 7 or more drinks per is considered an alcoholic.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/alcohol/art-20044551

[Anonymous]

We can debate the alcoholism thing or focus on the big picture. She doesn’t want to host her BIL. Her husband wants to pretend her concerns are irrelevant. Her MIL doesn’t want to host this guy herself. OP shouldn’t have to deal with this — full stop.

I say this as someone who does host her alcoholic father for very short periods of time (maybe one night). My 13 year old knows he is an alcoholic even though he has never visibly had a drink in front of her or acted drunk. He isn’t fooling me with his vodka in his owala. My husband is ok with this. If he wasn’t, I would 100% not host my dad. Because my husband’s position would be reasonable and rational.

Neither my husband nor I would want to host someone who openly drank in our home several drinks a night. We don’t drink regularly at all. It simply isn’t part of the way we want our home to look/feel. That is also ok for us to both feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't wrong, but you need marriage counseling ASAP. You have a husband problem. Refusing to host an addict, however "harmless" others may perceive him to be is an appropriate choice.

For those in the back, once again, OP never said her BIL is an addict, or an alcoholic. Her definition of "excessive drinking" is "a few beers a day."

It doesn't actually matter. OP doesn't want to host her BIL, who drinks a few beers a day. She said no, her wishes should be respected. If she feels he drinks too much to stay in her home, then he drinks too much to stay in her home.

I have a sibling who is in recovery and he doesn't host anyone in his home who isn't willing to abstain from alcohol altogether because it's bad for his recovery. I support him in that, even though I do sometimes drink alcohol. People get to decide for themselves what level of drinking is okay in their house, and OP has determined that her BIL drinks too much to stay in her home.

You are getting hung up on this because it's very important to you that "a few beers a day" not be deemed "excessive." Ask why that part of this story is so critical to you when no one else cares and is focused on the fact that OP said no and is now being guilted into giving in. It's that part that matters, not how OP defines alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't wrong, but you need marriage counseling ASAP. You have a husband problem. Refusing to host an addict, however "harmless" others may perceive him to be is an appropriate choice.

For those in the back, once again, OP never said her BIL is an addict, or an alcoholic. Her definition of "excessive drinking" is "a few beers a day."

OK fine, let me revise:

You aren't wrong, but you need marriage counseling ASAP. You have a husband problem. Refusing to host someone whose substance use raises red flags for you, however "harmless" others may perceive him to be, is an appropriate choice

I enjoy a cocktail. I have stayed with friends who are recovering addicts, LDS, etc and don't want any alcohol in their home. This is not a problem for me. I don't NEED to have a cocktail. If OP is uncomfortable with BILs substance use for whatever reason, she has the right to say no in her own home and around her children. If he can't forego his beer then he needs to make other arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Yes, why is MIL arranging BIL stay and asking DIL? Isn't he an adult? Why is he not asking his brother? All of this is strange. MIL doesn't want to host him and doesn't ask her own son either? It's an easy no.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my husband he’s welcome to host his brother, and give him the website of the five star resort I would expect him to book for my daughters and me while BIL was there. But my husband doesn’t mess around with his daughters’ safety.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the whole thread but you are not wrong! I have all of my extebddd family staying w me right now and am trying to figure out how to say this is the last time simply bc I am constantly annoyed 😳

[Anonymous]

I would love to be part of my BILs wedding hosting and show our family in a good light. What a joyous occasion for my whole family!! DH and I would always support our family and relatives, like they support us.

I am glad no one in my family is like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to be part of my BILs wedding hosting and show our family in a good light. What a joyous occasion for my whole family!! DH and I would always support our family and relatives, like they support us.

I am glad no one in my family is like OP.

What wedding are you blathering about?