What consequences for a disrespectful kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about the waking up before 11 am on holiday part. Were you celebrating a holiday yesterday?

As in day off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yelling solves nothing. I was once like this and had to take a hard look at myself and spent time making changes. I found a person to talk to to try to understand why I was so emotional when I felt like the teens weren't doing as they were expected and that I was losing control over the house. These are control issues and I'll tell you after a couple years looking back, I am still repairing relationships with my older teens and working hard to remain calm when things go wrong (minor car accident, coming home late, email from teachers about missing assignments). Honestly, remaining calm allows for a conversation and for appropriate consequences and hopefully learning to take place.

Are we perfect no, but our kids look up to us and your behavior toward your daughter explains why she yells and disrespects. You probably need to apologize for the overreaction. Good luck OP

OP. Thank you. I will apologize to her in the morning and I will have to change the way I deal with her.

[Anonymous]

It depends what time she usually gets up. If she's sleeping multiple extra hours she is messing up her sleep cycle which will cause problems later in the week as she tries to sleep. That's a huge part of why teens are always so tired. They have terribly inconsistent sleep patterns.

Screaming at her wasn't ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about the waking up before 11 am on holiday part. Were you celebrating a holiday yesterday?

As in day off

Ok. I guess I've not heard weekends referred to as holidays.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you mad about? The reaction sounds disproportionate to the act. Would suggest you look into why you went after her so hard. What is causing you stress about her sleeping in? Is it unrelated to her actions? Is she behind in school? You want natural consequences - she missed practice because she overslept, she doesn't get school work done so she has to stay up late to get it done and then she is tired all week. If she has family obligations- she doesn't get allowance until the chores are done. Teens are going through a period of separation - developmentally normal, so they will push you away and avoid you as they go through this normal process. You are certainly making the process easier for her, but making it harder for you to maintain a relationship she wants to come up to once she leaves the next.

OP here. Thank you for saying this. I will have to rethink the way I am handling it.

She had a whole bunch of chores to do yesterday after she took Saturday to just chill and do nothing.

She did none of the chores she was asked to do and was on her computer all day yesterday.

Her room was a mess, her stuff all laying around the house (things she was asked to put away), her laundry basket was overflowing, last week's laundry dumped in another room and not folded because she was busy with homework the whole of last week. She did not unload the dishwasher which was her job, her jackets and shoes were dumped in the coat closet and not put back.

She never puts the plate in the sink after a meal, has drink cups and books laying around everywhere and nothing I say gets to her. I constantly have to clean up after her and I was done with this behavior.

Basically, she did not do any of her chores and decided to be on the computer or phone past 2 days and her not waking up was the straw on the camel's back today.

1. picking up around the house and dishwasher... don't make that an open ended chore, set a time: ask her to set a time she will do this, set a timer, don't nag.
2. Laundry: don't micromanage this... if her clothes are wrinkled or dirty it's a natural consequence.
3. Bedroom: This is her area, don't micromanage and if you can't stand looking at it, don't look at it.
4. Give her one drink cup and that is the one she uses, my kids each have a Yeti and they use that and only that except when we sit together for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

Op here. Thank you! I wish I knew you in person. You seem to have a good outlook and instead of just getting on me for screaming, you're actually giving constructive criticism with advice.

I apologized to her this morning for screaming yesterday and she was surprised and asked what was wrong with me. She seemed to be happy and it made me happy too. So unlike our usual Mondays when she is cranky and sulking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you mad about? The reaction sounds disproportionate to the act. Would suggest you look into why you went after her so hard. What is causing you stress about her sleeping in? Is it unrelated to her actions? Is she behind in school? You want natural consequences - she missed practice because she overslept, she doesn't get school work done so she has to stay up late to get it done and then she is tired all week. If she has family obligations- she doesn't get allowance until the chores are done. Teens are going through a period of separation - developmentally normal, so they will push you away and avoid you as they go through this normal process. You are certainly making the process easier for her, but making it harder for you to maintain a relationship she wants to come up to once she leaves the next.

OP here. Thank you for saying this. I will have to rethink the way I am handling it.

She had a whole bunch of chores to do yesterday after she took Saturday to just chill and do nothing.

She did none of the chores she was asked to do and was on her computer all day yesterday.

Her room was a mess, her stuff all laying around the house (things she was asked to put away), her laundry basket was overflowing, last week's laundry dumped in another room and not folded because she was busy with homework the whole of last week. She did not unload the dishwasher which was her job, her jackets and shoes were dumped in the coat closet and not put back.

She never puts the plate in the sink after a meal, has drink cups and books laying around everywhere and nothing I say gets to her. I constantly have to clean up after her and I was done with this behavior.

Basically, she did not do any of her chores and decided to be on the computer or phone past 2 days and her not waking up was the straw on the camel's back today.

1. picking up around the house and dishwasher... don't make that an open ended chore, set a time: ask her to set a time she will do this, set a timer, don't nag.
2. Laundry: don't micromanage this... if her clothes are wrinkled or dirty it's a natural consequence.
3. Bedroom: This is her area, don't micromanage and if you can't stand looking at it, don't look at it.
4. Give her one drink cup and that is the one she uses, my kids each have a Yeti and they use that and only that except when we sit together for dinner.

Op here. Thank you! This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

To OP, I’m glad you are listening to some of the advice! My kids can be difficult and I’ve had to learn to pick my battles. I was one of the posters who told you to let her sleep.

I still have rules and things they need to do but also follow natural consequences now and yell a lot less. It works better.

For example, I’ve stopped doing their laundry. If they don’t have clothes it’s on them. If they don’t have their uniforms or practice gear ready it’s on them.

I’ll calmly tell them they need to do something before practice or before I’m driving to the and we simply won’t go. It’s time to leave and that frying pan is still dirty in the sink? You better wash it…

I’m reasonable, but firm. I’ve let it go on sleeping. That’s on them as long as they let me sleep at night and wake up for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

Op here. Thank you! I wish I knew you in person. You seem to have a good outlook and instead of just getting on me for screaming, you're actually giving constructive criticism with advice.

I apologized to her this morning for screaming yesterday and she was surprised and asked what was wrong with me. She seemed to be happy and it made me happy too. So unlike our usual Mondays when she is cranky and sulking

You’re welcome! It would be funny if we really did know each other in real life

I’m glad you apologized. I also apologize to my kids if I don’t handle something they way I feel I should have. It is important to show them that a) we don’t have to be perfect all the time, and b) when you make a mistake an apology is warranted and won’t kill you even if it feels uncomfortable.

I yelled at my kids more when they were little and it always felt awful. It was when I felt out of control, and that’s on me. I worked through a lot of things and got to a stage where I rarely raise my voice. Thankfully I have some pretty good kids who are far from perfect, but have really come into their own and overall make good decisions.

My house isn’t always clean and I hope they are better about keeping their rooms clean in college 😁, but we have a good, open relationship and that’s more important to me than laundry put away and the other stuff. They aren’t allowed to be total slobs, but a lot of stuff just isn’t worth the arguing.

Again, op, I wish you good luck! I see you taking the advice given to you here and implementing it, which means you’re on your way

[Anonymous]

Here’s how this would have played out in my house;

I go in to wake up kid, kid screams at me (well, that wouldn’t have happened but let’s pretend)
Me, calm voice: that is absolutely not how you speak to others. Get up and we’ll discuss it later. (Take phone call)
Later: what was that about? (Actually listen for answer, discuss). “Regardless, it’s never okay that you speak to someone like that, and clearly you are not getting enough sleep if you cannot get up by 11. For next two weeks you’ll be plugging your phone in in my room at 9pm. If you’ve been treating others respectfully until then we can discuss making a change. (Then ignore any histrionics, go about my day)

Exception: if she told me something like she was up really late due to friend or boyfriend drama etc and was clearly upset I’d be somewhat sympathetic and still emphasize it was not okay how she acted but maybe give a second chance (but be strict about enforcing that second chance)

Clearly this kid is treating you like you treat her. You need to model how to be a decent human.

If kid continued to slam doors and scream at me I would not be against taking door away, but it would not be a yelled threat in the moment. It would be a calm discussion, warning, discussion, door taken away + clear path for them to earn it back.

[Anonymous]

We have our oldest get up by 8:30 am on weekends now. We have found that sleeping in actually makes him groggier. He also gets a good start on homework in the morning so he can have the afternoons free. It works out well.

[Anonymous]

Op I came down hard on you about the yelling and I want to apologize, it's refreshing how you have taken the advice, and it's very sweet how you and DD made up.