Is there any scenario where it's not okay for male/female friends to hang out when they are in relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and no man ever wanted to just hang out with me as a friend. They would suggest moving it to intimate direction. Also, I tried to "friend zone" men I dated and they all declined saying "we can't be friends after all that happened sexually".

How are all these women able to keep men strictly as friends?

I get the “friend zone” thing but I’ve made friends with guys at work or else where who never suggested moving it in an intimate direction. Maybe I give off a don’t go there vibe because I’m very happily married and they know it. Only once has a male friend ever hinted at anything and it did bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why put yourself in vulnerable situations? Human feelings are complex and confusing. Do it in groups, not as couples, unless you are dating.

PP exactly. My dh isn’t going to freak if a guy friend from my college friend circle is in town and we meet up for a drink for an hour or two. But maybe once a year at most. I would not ever make this a regular thing. No way. It would be disrespectful to both our partners

I simply disagree the both of you (and the OP) seem to think that simply going to dinner with a friend of the opposite gender constitutes "a vulnerable situation" that is automatically "complex and confusing" as well as being "disrespectful to both partners."

Dinner with a friend isn't a vulnerable situation. You are attributing more significance to gender than any other factor. Disagree.

It's not complex and confusing unless the relationship is complex and confusing. You seem to think that gender is the most important factor there. Again, disagree.

If your partner feels disrespected, by all means don't go to dinner with your opposite gender friend. If my partner felt disrespected simply because I had dinner with an opposite gender friend, that would indicate a major values incompatibility between us because I do not agree that spending time with opposite gender friends is disrespectful.

You care about gender too much. You don't have to do that. It's not required.

[Anonymous]

I think the basis agreement is that your relationship with someone who's not a spouse should not detract from your relationship with your spouse, nor should be include activities that should only be done with your spouse. For most people, that means physical affection but also emotional closeness: If you are confiding more with a friend than with you spouse, that's an emotional affair.

For some people, simply spending time alone, especially eating dinner, qualifies as one of those activities. I think that's kind of nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

Do you realize that people of the opposite sex work and interact together every day often having lunch together? I spend more of my waking hours with male colleagues than I do with my husband. Some of these guys I classify as friends. A mature adult can handle it, but maybe a Stepford wife can not.

For gods sakes, no one’s suggesting the occasional lunch or business related socializing is a huge issue. Don’t be daft.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to sleep with every person I meet. Most adults are able to keep it in their pants, or at least be respectful for a few hours.

I’m actually going to a concert with a male friend/coworker tomorrow night. DH doesn’t like the singer, so I can go with someone who enjoys the music or miss the performance. We’re going to get dinner before the show, so we don’t starve after work. Our spouses are fine with it. If anything, they’re grateful that no one is trying to get them to go to a concert they don’t care for. I really don’t care if anyone mistakes us for a couple instead of friends. If anyone says anything, one of us will politely correct them. It’s nbd.

I went to lunch with a dear friend who is a woman and is about 25 years older than I am. A few people thought we were mother and daughter. We said we weren’t related and were just friends. I also don’t feel guilty for cheating on my mom by having lunch with an older friend.

I used to volunteer at my kids’ school and often wound up on committees with one of my daughter’s friend’s dad. A couple of parents assumed we were married because we worked together often and communicated well with each other. Should we have stopped volunteering and cancelled the school carnival to avoid misunderstandings?

[Anonymous]

I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

[Anonymous]

I used to have a good friend in our apartment building who was male (we’ve both since moved). If my DH was going out with friends. he’d suggest it would be a good night for me to go out with my friends (pre kids). If I told him I was having dinner with the male neighbor he’d say “have fun.” But he met my childhood friend (male) early in our relationship and the two hit it off and has always known me to have male friends. He had some good female friends during college and grad school, whom I knew. There was only ever one woman I was jealous of and it wasn’t one of his good friends - it was someone on the periphery that DH thought was cute and who tended to not respect boundaries as well. Over the years as my male friends have gotten married or into relationships (or if they are already), I’ve found I really like their wives too - though I typically don’t know them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

Would you be ok with your spouse going to the movies alone with a friend of the same gender? By your standard isn’t that a DATE?

Would you be ok with your husband going to the movies or dinner alone with his sister? People might mistake them for a couple and isn’t that a DATE?

[Anonymous]

My now DH has a friend who is a girl and once I came home and they were watching a movie together on a couch. Curtains drawn, under (separate) blankets. At one time he had told me he was surprised the two of them had never hooked up.

I told him I was not ok with the situation and he understood. They still hang out occasionally (usually with spouses now) but in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

Last week my husband had dinner with a woman he used to work with. She worked for the bank his company did business with and I’ve met her a bunch of times. I can assure you it was not a date. They do this once a year, either lunch or dinner, simply to catch up.

[Anonymous]

I’m a married woman with children. I’m not hanging out with anyone “regularly.” Now, when I do see friends, sometimes it’s with my spouse/kids, sometimes not. It makes no difference in whether or not that makes our interactions “appropriate.” Some of my closest friends are opposite sex. There’s nothing about our genitalia that would make an interaction “inappropriate” if done with same-sex friends. You all need to enjoy your freedoms while we still have them.

[Anonymous]

Obviously you don't have to share a gender to be friends but you also don't have to feel the need to often hang out alone with an opposite gender friend if both of you aren't single. There is a reason infidelity rates are so high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

It's not weird. You don't have to like it but I am a woman and I've always had close male friends and some of my female friends are the same. We're mostly in male-dominated industries and frankly just get along well with men.

If you don't want to do it, then don't. But you don't get to call people with healthy relationships "weird."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why put yourself in vulnerable situations? Human feelings are complex and confusing. Do it in groups, not as couples, unless you are dating.

PP exactly. My dh isn’t going to freak if a guy friend from my college friend circle is in town and we meet up for a drink for an hour or two. But maybe once a year at most. I would not ever make this a regular thing. No way. It would be disrespectful to both our partners

How is it disrespectful if you're not doing anything wrong?

[Anonymous]

To answer OP’s question, I’d say the nude spa in Germany from the other thread.