Is there any scenario where it's not okay for male/female friends to hang out when they are in relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

Why are you okay with letting what strangers think dictate your behavior? This is your one and only precious life. Spend it with the people you care about as you see fit.

In general I believe in avoiding not only what is wrong but the appearance of doing wrong so my character can never be called into question.

And you modify your behavior to accoade others and their opinions on a daily basis, if you say you don't you are lying as it's part of living in a civilized society.

Do you flirt with people who are not your spouse?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both have opposite sex friends and it’s no big deal. If he had an opposite sex friend and didn’t tell me about it I’d be concerned. One of his friends has been a friend since childhood and she is as close as a sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

Why are you okay with letting what strangers think dictate your behavior? This is your one and only precious life. Spend it with the people you care about as you see fit.

In general I believe in avoiding not only what is wrong but the appearance of doing wrong so my character can never be called into question.

And you modify your behavior to accoade others and their opinions on a daily basis, if you say you don't you are lying as it's part of living in a civilized society.

Do you flirt with people who are not your spouse?

You poor thing. You think any of it is wrong? I'm so sorry you'll go to your grave thinking you were virtuous when in reality you were brainwashed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

Why are you okay with letting what strangers think dictate your behavior? This is your one and only precious life. Spend it with the people you care about as you see fit.

In general I believe in avoiding not only what is wrong but the appearance of doing wrong so my character can never be called into question.

And you modify your behavior to accoade others and their opinions on a daily basis, if you say you don't you are lying as it's part of living in a civilized society.

Do you flirt with people who are not your spouse?

DP. I don't flirt with people who aren't my spouse because I don't want to, not because it looks bad.

[Anonymous]

I have close male friends who have been part of my life since our preschool days. If they happen to be in town we’ll sometimes catch up over a meal or coffee. Spouses may or may not attend depending upon availability. My husband doesn’t similar female friends but I wouldn’t mind the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

To answer your first question - because you want to see them. I have gone out to dinner with my old boss (who is 20 years my senior) for the last 10 years every time we are in the same city. We have been mistaken for a couple before, possibly because we're both wearing wedding rings and we have an easy rapport and will sometimes share a dessert, but in a million years it would never occur to my husband to put a stop to those dinners.

Another answer - because you both want to do the same thing. I play pickleball, go to the pool, eat/get coffee, walk dogs, and got to the movies with male friends without my husband because either he's busy or away or didn't want to do the activity. He knows about it all, and I don't know why it would bother him. It's not like we're making out in the theater or restaurant.

To answer your second question - I don't really care what outside observers think. I'm not kissing them, holding hands, or generally touching them at all except hugs when arriving/departing. If someone wants to think we're a couple, no skin off my back. I've had a bit of a flirty personality and some of my friends are the same. It's fun but harmless.

To answer your title question - I think it's not ok for them to hang out when there is something between then. I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I thought something could happen (i.e. at someone's house, drinking late into the night, etc.). But people aren't exactly having sex at dinner so I can't see why you couldn't hang out with a friend in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with many close opposite sex relationships that have never even been borderline a problem in my long marriage, I guess I think: if it’s a problem to a significant other, then it’s a problem. Your standard of “appearance of a couple” is dumb though.

so you'tr cool with other people thinking some other woman is your husband's wife?

First of all, how do you know what some stranger thinks? Second of all, why do you care? If my husband said he and our female friend were mistaken for a married couple at Home Depot I would laugh.

[Anonymous]

I’m 37, married and the mother of three. My dad is 59 and a widower. He’s also one of my very best friends. People who know me but don’t know my dad have seen us together at restaurants or random events and assume something is going on because of the way we interact. I’ve heard about it a couple of times and just roll my eyes as does my husband. Seriously, I have male friends and my husband knows them and it’s not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37, married and the mother of three. My dad is 59 and a widower. He’s also one of my very best friends. People who know me but don’t know my dad have seen us together at restaurants or random events and assume something is going on because of the way we interact. I’ve heard about it a couple of times and just roll my eyes as does my husband. Seriously, I have male friends and my husband knows them and it’s not a problem.

When I lived in Chicago a few times I went to dinner with my Dad in the area referred to as the Viagra Triangle - old guys with younger women. We’d often do a little play acting to give the tourists something to talk about.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It looks like you created this thread with a very aggressive mission to explain to everyone that the worst thing that can happen to them is people thinking they're cheating, or being promiscuous.

It's not. Most people couldn't care less. In most of Europe and America, women and men can be friends and go out together to do things without others thinking they're in a romantic relationship.

It's really sad you were brought up to be so scared of other people's opinions. I hope that one day you will broaden your mind, but even if you don't, I hope you stop pressuring other people to restrict the freedoms they have. If you're going to live a ghost of a life, at least don't try to force others to go down to your level.

[Anonymous]

NP. I think it’s fine in theory but I also see why some wouldn’t be totally comfortable with it, especially if it’s more than just a very occasional situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37, married and the mother of three. My dad is 59 and a widower. He’s also one of my very best friends. People who know me but don’t know my dad have seen us together at restaurants or random events and assume something is going on because of the way we interact. I’ve heard about it a couple of times and just roll my eyes as does my husband. Seriously, I have male friends and my husband knows them and it’s not a problem.

When I lived in Chicago a few times I went to dinner with my Dad in the area referred to as the Viagra Triangle - old guys with younger women. We’d often do a little play acting to give the tourists something to talk about.

Fascinating story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

It looks like you created this thread with a very aggressive mission to explain to everyone that the worst thing that can happen to them is people thinking they're cheating, or being promiscuous.

It's not. Most people couldn't care less. In most of Europe and America, women and men can be friends and go out together to do things without others thinking they're in a romantic relationship.

It's really sad you were brought up to be so scared of other people's opinions. I hope that one day you will broaden your mind, but even if you don't, I hope you stop pressuring other people to restrict the freedoms they have. If you're going to live a ghost of a life, at least don't try to force others to go down to your level.

Basing your choices around what other people might think is also silly because gay people exist. If I'm having dinner with a male friend, someone could just as easily decide I'm cheating on my wife.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

[Anonymous]

Why put yourself in vulnerable situations? Human feelings are complex and confusing. Do it in groups, not as couples, unless you are dating.