Default parent vent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've never messed up as a parent? Made a mistake? That's what this is. You're completely overreacting. You've lost all trust in him to keep your kid safe because of one incident?

+1000

You think the responses are wild, OP? Maybe do some reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all pretty wild and not at all what I expected. I'm sure I'll get further flamed, but a few things:

- I haven't done anything other than post here. I did not respond to DH's text at all. He called me to check in, because he happened to have phone reception.

- DS was involved and packed his own stuff. I think it's reasonable to check to make sure that a 9 y.o. has packed correctly before leaving on a trip.

- We're in the process of transitioning default parenting to DH. I work FT at a very demanding job now, and DH consults ~10hr/week. When I handled all the household and kid stuff, I also worked FT.

- The reason this is so concerning to me is that it's a camping trip, and it is a big deal to forget an essential item (which warm clothing counts as). DH knows this. He wants to start taking our older kid backcountry skiing this winter, which has the added complexity of managing avalanche safety. I trust DH to be able to teach our kids what they need to know when they our out on the mountain, but right now I don't feel like I can trust him to ensure they set out with the right gear...which means either this is going to be on me or I'm going to be the bad guy who has to say no.

- I'm home this weekend with DD who has her first GS meeting of the year. They need a bunch of forms, and I even reminded DH to fill them out before he left. Of course, he didn't.

You should have double checked. I would have done the same day Walmart delivery to get my kid clothes.

NP here. This is insane behavior. I would never check behind an adult. And the adult who is with the child can also go to the nearest walmart and fix this problem. You will never have kids who learn to figure things out on their own if mommy is always fixing things for them and for daddy. This whole thread is about DH when I think a 9 year old should know how to pack for a trip (with guidance, like being told the weather).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have to just let him fail and see what happens. None of these things are that serious.

OP again. I know I sound defensive, but I honestly want advice even if it's harsh. It's been a year since he left his job.

Forms aren't filled out. Permissions slips aren't signed. Kids get to school without lunch. Is the solution that I shouldn't care if DD sits at school and misses a field trip she has been talking about for a week because the permission slip wasn't signed? The lack of warm clothes is one of many, daily issues. And, FWIW, DH came back and said the trip was rather unpleasant because of it, and DS has a cold.

DH is a good dad and loves his kids. But we are in a constant state of chaos, because everything is haphazard and last minute. My kids are complaining to me that they are tired of pizza! I'm willing to hire help.

I don't care if DH spends his days mountain biking and doing whatever he wants, he's earned it. But I can't do it all anymore. Most mornings I'm washing dishes at 5am, because I am up then to prep for calls to Europe and things are piled up everywhere so much I can't even stand to be in the kitchen. He wasn't like this before we had kids.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP’s frustration. It’s not about the jacket; it’s about the mental load of keeping track of what needs to be done, not just doing it when asked. If he didn’t have ti worry about any of this for 12 years, OP, good luck getting him to do so now. It will be an extremely difficult mindset shift.

I do feel like people on DCUM judge moms and dads differently. If a mom was feeding her kids pizza several days a week & routinely forgetting her kids’ stuff, she’s called a bad mom. But if a dad does it, “it’s fine, it’s no big deal.”

As for packing, my kids started packing around age 3-4. I made them picture lists until they were old enough to read, then a written list until they could figure it out more on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand OP’s frustration. It’s not about the jacket; it’s about the mental load of keeping track of what needs to be done, not just doing it when asked. If he didn’t have ti worry about any of this for 12 years, OP, good luck getting him to do so now. It will be an extremely difficult mindset shift.

I do feel like people on DCUM judge moms and dads differently. If a mom was feeding her kids pizza several days a week & routinely forgetting her kids’ stuff, she’s called a bad mom. But if a dad does it, “it’s fine, it’s no big deal.”

As for packing, my kids started packing around age 3-4. I made them picture lists until they were old enough to read, then a written list until they could figure it out more on their own.

I agree, which is why I think we should hire some more help. He wants to be the one to do everything, but he isn't doing it.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, default parent + scout parent here. For the campout jacket, believe me - we've all been there. All of us. I hope you didn't lecture them. Let them learn on their own.

I didn't read the whole thread but assuming your DH wants his kids to eat lunch, go to field trips, have a decent campout, and for home life to run smoothly, his solution is calendars and checklists.

Some parents use calendars and checklists at work and they think they can "take a break" from them at home. They are wrong.

Some parents rely on other people at work to do some of their calendar and checklist work, and they think they don't need to learn how to do it at home. They are wrong.

Some parents are ok with calendars and checklists, but not good enough to manage a DMV family and household in the year 2025. Whatever they need to do - wake up earlier, watch less YouTube, get to the doctor to ask about ADHD, build new habits, they think that they don't need to do it. They are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok maybe I'm the only one who thinks OP is completely overreacting. At 9, your kid should be involved in the process. All you're doing is raising someone like the person youre complaining about here. Your DH messaged you not to blame you or ask you to fix it, right? Was just a text. He then solved it by giving him his long sleeve shirt.

Look I get being annoyed but your response just seems so over the top.

This. And isn't the Boy Scout motto "Be Prepared" anyhow? The irony of this post is comical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Since the consensus here is that I'm in the wrong, I'm open to advice around what I should be doing differently because I'm at my wit's end.

DH left his job about a year ago, and I've been in my new role for 6 mos. We had a FT nanny until the time DH left his job, and part of why we haven't hired a replacement is that he said he wants to be the person taking care of the kids. But there is not yet a single thing that I feel like I can completely let go of.

For almost 12 years, he went to work and came back as suited his needs, and he never needed to worry about whether kids were fed, picked up, cared for, etc. He informed me of work trips or dinners, and I accommodated. If I had a work trip, I worked with the nanny and other babysitters to ensure coverage around his work schedule.

I'm not even that resentful of it all. He set us up well financially. We could afford FT help, and I've told him why not enjoy this early retirement, even if it's only for a year or two, and let someone else handle things. I've finally had to hire someone PT, because I need someone to help me with my errands and kids now have different pick up times and activities...and DH is kind of complain-y about it.

At the end of the day, stuff just needs to get done. Forms need to be signed, kids need the gear for their activities, parent-teacher conferences need to be scheduled etc. Our kids are more self-sufficient than a lot, but they are still kids and need help and reminders. I'm new in my job, and I work 10-12/hr days.

I have tried to follow all the DCUM advice. I don't comment when we end up eating pizza 3d/week because DH doesn't have a dinner plan (though even DD is now complaining). I handle it and say nothing when I get a phone call from school that DS forgot his lunch and is upset because he can't eat the ham sandwich they are offering him (for religious reasons). I run the laundry when I notice that DH forgot after asking the kids to put it in the washer. I'm doing what I can to ease this transition. But when DH forgets something that we both agree is important and would never compromise for himself (and wilderness safety is something we are 100% aligned around), it just feels like he still hasn't absorbed the responsibility of thinking about anyone's needs but his own.

For 12 years you let your husband completely check out of family life and now you're shocked that 6 months in he isn't doing things the same way you did?

Honestly, this is why I'd never do the 0/100% situation you had before. It's awful for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand OP’s frustration. It’s not about the jacket; it’s about the mental load of keeping track of what needs to be done, not just doing it when asked. If he didn’t have ti worry about any of this for 12 years, OP, good luck getting him to do so now. It will be an extremely difficult mindset shift.

I do feel like people on DCUM judge moms and dads differently. If a mom was feeding her kids pizza several days a week & routinely forgetting her kids’ stuff, she’s called a bad mom. But if a dad does it, “it’s fine, it’s no big deal.”

As for packing, my kids started packing around age 3-4. I made them picture lists until they were old enough to read, then a written list until they could figure it out more on their own.

I don't think anyone here has said that. Many moms have said they've made mistakes as well, which is not the same as saying the standard is lower for men...

[Anonymous]

I’m the defaul parent. It’s not a burden for me and thank goodness my husband doesn’t mind me making mistakes. I have forgotten pillows, blankets, jackets you name it! Likewise, he has forgotten entire diaper bags, lunches, etc. You need to have the type of relationship where you can talk to each other and tell each other how you’ve messed up in little ways without the other parent, turning it into an issue. Sometimes commiserating or just laughing about shared mistakes and being human is what we need to do

[Anonymous]

If they're on a weekend camping trip, can't he just run to walmart and buy one quick?

DH once took the kids on a trip. He'd carried our youngest to the car without shoes on and then forgot to bring her shoes. He ran to Walmart and it wasn't a big deal.