Leaving Spouse with Dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is is OP. She never had kids. She also had basically zero assets. He is wealthy. He divorced her because her dementia.

Can your uncle or someone else at least help her with the steps necessary to qualify for a medicaid facility? If she has no assets and no family, she should be able to qualify for some help, but it's challenging to manage alone, especially if she already has symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

Exactly. He was looking for someone to be his nursemaid in old age and once he figured out that isn't going to happen, he dropped her instantly. Truly vile behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

Exactly. He was looking for someone to be his nursemaid in old age and once he figured out that isn't going to happen, he dropped her instantly. Truly vile behavior.

Men do this a lot, though. I think caretaking men are the exception rather than the rule, and they do it because they have decades of goodwill and want to shield their kids from as much of the costs and labor as possible. As women, we almost need to expect the worst and plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

Women do stuff like this to their husbands more than the other way around.

Statistically false.

Are you sure? For a 60 year old, 2nd marriage of 1 year.

Sure, long term marriages, women stay more than men, but 2nd marriages. I don't think so. I'd also add more women leave because more men become disabled 1st.

My widower uncle's girlfriend ditched him when he needed surgery because she had already nursed her former husband and wasn't going to do it again.

That’s sad, but being a girlfriend instead of a wife is less of a commitment. She stayed and was a caregiver to the man she vowed to stay with in sickness and in health.

In OP’s relative’s case, he’s bailing on his vows because he didn’t really mean them.

[Anonymous]

Have relatives in memory care and the early onset cases are really sad. I knew one woman whose husband ghosted her then divorced her -- her sister had to step in and manage all her care. So your brother isn't the only one.

I don't understand why she can't be put in a nice place if the assets are there. That's just cruel to put someone in a depressing place. There are plenty of really nice places around. It gets to a point where the visits are pointless but at the very least put them some place you'd want to be if the tables were turned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is is OP. She never had kids. She also had basically zero assets. He is wealthy. He divorced her because her dementia.

Wow, that is incredibly cruel. Your brother lacks a moral compass. It is just wrong to abandon a vulnerable spouse who is unable to care for herself because she is ill. The length of the marriage and age when they married are irrelevant. Any decent dating prospect will run when she finds out what he did. I hope karma gets him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Did he share the reason for the divorce ?
Maybe he simply doesn’t want to take her medical issues on after only two year in..

Anonymous wrote:Since it was a short marriage, I think it’s ok. I knew someone whose wife of 30 years got dementia, and he cheated on her then divorced her. That was a terrible thing to see.

WTH. Vows are vows no matter when they were made.

OP's brother has poor character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is just not a nice person. Anyone who marries that late in life thinking illness will not be a pert of it is a moron or super naive or maybe he thought she was his insurance policy when he got sick but didn’t want to do the same for her. Hope he never marries anyone again.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

+1 this is statistically much more common for men to do than for women to do.

That's likely true but most women have a support network of female friends that men just don't have.

Women build a support network of friends.

^^^ fixed that for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

+1 this is statistically much more common for men to do than for women to do.

That's likely true but most women have a support network of female friends that men just don't have.

Women build a support network of friends.

^^^ fixed that for you

Eh. IME watching this in my mom’s generation (my mom is dead)…friends do not stay when the descent begins. They might visit every few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

Exactly. He was looking for someone to be his nursemaid in old age and once he figured out that isn't going to happen, he dropped her instantly. Truly vile behavior.

Seems more that she wanted the nurse and the purse since she was the one who needed care and she was the one who didn't have money. Once he realized his role was to be the nurse and the purse, he bailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have relatives in memory care and the early onset cases are really sad. I knew one woman whose husband ghosted her then divorced her -- her sister had to step in and manage all her care. So your brother isn't the only one.

I don't understand why she can't be put in a nice place if the assets are there. That's just cruel to put someone in a depressing place. There are plenty of really nice places around. It gets to a point where the visits are pointless but at the very least put them some place you'd want to be if the tables were turned.

The point is that OP’s brother doesn’t want to spend his assets on his wife. He is cruel, untrustworthy and lied through his teeth when he took his vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we start to judge too harshly…her family may be glad to get rid of him. It would be terrible for your mom to remarry and less than a year later this basic stranger to you gets to make all her decisions and then inherit all her stuff.

She had no kids according to OP. And no assets, either.