Hung up on the idea that toxic STBX husband will be the perfect husband for some 25 year old girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

You are the one who misunderstood pps post. They are saying IF you have a kid with this guy etc. Why would they say "Just don't do it" if they are acknowledging they already have a child together? Maybe don't sh*t on other people on reading comprehension when yours is the one lacking.

FFS, that PP did not type "IF you have a kid." But typed "You have a kid...." Garbage gibbberish. And yes I'm the f'ing post police tonight and I own that.

Yikes, doubling down on your mistake? Time to go to bed.

[Anonymous]

op - the thing driving this question in your head is the idea that someone else - younger, prettier, more naive, more trusting, more vulnerable, more optimistic might 'bring out the better side' of your dh. But the idea of a person being their better self due to the nature of their partner is a fantasy. No one ever became a better self BECAUSE of another person. No matter how stunningly hot and amazing (case in point - angelina/ megan fox/ miranda kerr - i could go on). People become better selves because they work on themselves. Sadly, a lot of the 'work on themselves' happens because of an experience with a prior partner, which is what leads to the idea that the new partner is better suited to this person. But it's just that humans live and learn and in an ideal situation they grow as a result of challenges. So yes your dh might improve himself for his next partner due to your separation but he also might not! It's not going to be a case of him having zero growth and zero revelations and someone else just being more 'right'.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is stopping you from divorcing and adopting/smbc the child you want? You can have your own family. Bonus, you don't have to share time with an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - the thing driving this question in your head is the idea that someone else - younger, prettier, more naive, more trusting, more vulnerable, more optimistic might 'bring out the better side' of your dh. But the idea of a person being their better self due to the nature of their partner is a fantasy. No one ever became a better self BECAUSE of another person. No matter how stunningly hot and amazing (case in point - angelina/ megan fox/ miranda kerr - i could go on). People become better selves because they work on themselves. Sadly, a lot of the 'work on themselves' happens because of an experience with a prior partner, which is what leads to the idea that the new partner is better suited to this person. But it's just that humans live and learn and in an ideal situation they grow as a result of challenges. So yes your dh might improve himself for his next partner due to your separation but he also might not! It's not going to be a case of him having zero growth and zero revelations and someone else just being more 'right'.

This is the best comment and advice for OP hands down.

[Anonymous]

OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

*in divorce, Costner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

*in divorce, Costner

K.C. was just horrible. He tried to keep all assets in his name, they didn't even own a home together. He kept running to the media releasing horrible stories about her. In a community state regardless of a prenup she did quite well. So well, it was sealed and he finally shut his yapper. Many assets you cannot prenup away like retirement.

[Anonymous]

Just don't ever remarry or you lose his pension and retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don't ever remarry or you lose his pension and retirement.

I already took his pension as a lump sum so no problem with remarrying not that I want to !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

*in divorce, Costner

K.C. was just horrible. He tried to keep all assets in his name, they didn't even own a home together. He kept running to the media releasing horrible stories about her. In a community state regardless of a prenup she did quite well. So well, it was sealed and he finally shut his yapper. Many assets you cannot prenup away like retirement.

Obviously she got something but nearly not as much as his first wife (without a prenup). Not sure you are correct about prenups though - they can protect pensions (make them separate just like any other assets). The only thing prenups can’t regulate is child support which is why Christine fought for it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

Uh huh, nobody wants your H, possibly not even you for real.

OP, my ex also went younger by 8 years. That woman is miserable but feels stuck. She's a great stepmom though.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

Except if the wife worked and bought all the assets and the abusive husband gets half. Who laughs then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

Anyone who uses the terms "gaslighting and DARVO" really needs to work on themselves before making another person miserable.

It sounds like this was for the best. Get some therapy, probably a better job, and likely a clowder of cats for less threatening companionship.