DD taking risk with strangers

[Anonymous]

She's been "caught" walking in the city at night with her friends? She's what 20-21? She's an adult college student parting with friends. Just stop. You're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what to do, my only "leverage" is one more year of college that I will be paying for.
DD goes off with strangers, but she thinks that they are safe because she has known them for say, five days at work. The last young man encouraged her to drive 2 hours away to W. Va. to meet an his family, she told me how they actually had to turn down a dirt road to get to the house. There, the family seems to be survivalists complete with poultry and a cow that they planned to slaughter. She had no idea that the house was so isolated or that they lived on a compound.
She has been caught walking through cities at 11 pm at night to meet up with friends. Jogs through parks alone. Dog walking in isolated places. Pepper spray, but buried deep in purses.
There is always a new boyfriend that involves driving hours to go see.
It is next to impossible to talk to her. When I was younger (but much older than she is), I took some risks too. However, I was not so confident that I would be OK. And when I was warned, I listened.
I am really scared, thinking of forcing her to allow me to speak to her therapist to inform him of the risks that she takes, or else no tuition next year.

TL/DR:

1. She went with a new friend to their home.
2. She moves about the city she lives in.
3. She travels with boyfriends.

None of this is unusual or particularly risky. In fact, it would be unusual to not do these things.

[Anonymous]

All the "that's a farm" people are missing the actual strange part of that interaction, which is that she drove 2 hours with a new (very new?) male co-worker to visit his parents at their home. That's weird!

It suggests they both lack boundaries or good judgment - and also that she's bored or lonely. OP, maybe consider funding a hobby she likes, so she's too busy for weird jaunts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the "that's a farm" people are missing the actual strange part of that interaction, which is that she drove 2 hours with a new (very new?) male co-worker to visit his parents at their home. That's weird!

It suggests they both lack boundaries or good judgment - and also that she's bored or lonely. OP, maybe consider funding a hobby she likes, so she's too busy for weird jaunts.

Nobody would care if the new coworker was female, sounds sexist to me.

[Anonymous]

I think posters are being a little hard on OP. I agree much of this is typical for 20s, but some of it is stupid for whatever the age. I’d worry too, but agree that there’s really not much OP can do.

[Anonymous]

Normal stuff, OP. I was doing far more adventurous stuff at that age, in other countries, with no cell phone, and sometimes no or very limited access to email. Glad my parents treated me like the adult that I was.

[Anonymous]

If you threaten to stop paying for uni or her cell phone she will say whatever to get you to keep paying. She will think you're controlling because you are and I'd be very surprised if she comes home for visits once she's making her own way. I'd be very careful op.

Also more times than not it's the pastors son you met during the day on Sunday who is abusive and a rapist. Rapists and murderers don't only come out at night. She should be aware of her surroundings and safe at all times not just 11pm

But kids this age still rebel at threats. I'd be worried she will stop sharing any info with me and she might even be more reckless because wouldn't mom just have a field day with this one.

Get yourself into therapy.

[Anonymous]

It's nice to see the through-lines on DCUM. The paranoid middle school mom convinced that her son's school falsely accused her son in order to get back at her is, in 8 or so years, going to be Op of a thread similar to this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, she's going to have to learn not to do this from a bad experience. She is young and dumb!

There is something you can do to keep her safe. Keep neutral. Tell her to give you the address of these random places she will be going and tell her to text you before she goes to bed, after she wakes up and after she gets back. That way if she goes MIA you can call the police. Also tell her if she finds herself in a weird situation she can call you 24/7 to come get her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you threaten to cut off her tuition if she doesn't follow your safety rules she'll probably drop out and go live at the commune with the strangers, the stranger guy who drove her there will probably be her new roommate.

More likely she will just start lying.

[Anonymous]

Is she bipolar or just incredibly stupid? She’s an adult though and nothing you can do. I doubt the guy from work would be a serial killer.

[Anonymous]

Cut off her tuition? Not get her degree? And be dependent on some man?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean she “was caught” walking through cities alone at 11pm? How did you catch her, and why are you trying? You need to majorly back off, OP. These are very minor risks in the scheme of things that college kids do. You would be APPALLED by what I did at that age.

[Anonymous]

Cut the cord mom. Some of us were traveling the world by ourselves after college, with no cell phones or internet and no inexpensive way to keep in touch with our families. They had no clue where we were. It’s called living.

[Anonymous]

If my parents new half of how I lived from 20-23, including with strangers, they’d have had heart attacks. It all worked out and ended in more degrees, nice/safe husband, and a couple kids. There is nothing you can change at this point OP, other than maintain your relationship with your daughter and try to be someone she feels safe going to if she needs help. That means you are safe, unconditionally loving, non judgmental, on her team. I never went to my mom when I needed help because she was super judgmental and everything was about how it made her feel or look.