My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to bash you OP.
But I will just point out what a PP above said.
You can have all the reason in the world to get irritated at him, but if you really want the RELATIONSHIP to change, it’s going to need to come from how you treat him and how you address him, because that’s the only thing you have the power to change.
And I think if you examine how your attitude toward him has worsened as the little issues have become more irritating to you, you’ll see that this is accurate.
This doesn’t mean you can’t address the issues.
It just means you have to start speaking to him with love and affection again. Even if you don’t feel it yet. Speak to him the way you would speak to your female bff. Sometimes we take our husbands for granted that they will just receive a scolding, (and yes sometimes we rationalize that they deserve it bc they are acting like a child)—but that reveals the disdain and lack of respect and it shows.
You can still have a conversation about what you’d like him to do or what bothers you about family habits or pet peeves.
Just speak to him as you would any other person you love and respect and who you want to love and respect you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should have posted this in the relationship forum. You would have gotten the support you deserve instead of the critical gaslighting here like you’ve done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to bash you OP.
But I will just point out what a PP above said.
You can have all the reason in the world to get irritated at him, but if you really want the RELATIONSHIP to change, it’s going to need to come from how you treat him and how you address him, because that’s the only thing you have the power to change.
And I think if you examine how your attitude toward him has worsened as the little issues have become more irritating to you, you’ll see that this is accurate.
This doesn’t mean you can’t address the issues.
It just means you have to start speaking to him with love and affection again. Even if you don’t feel it yet. Speak to him the way you would speak to your female bff. Sometimes we take our husbands for granted that they will just receive a scolding, (and yes sometimes we rationalize that they deserve it bc they are acting like a child)—but that reveals the disdain and lack of respect and it shows.
You can still have a conversation about what you’d like him to do or what bothers you about family habits or pet peeves.
Just speak to him as you would any other person you love and respect and who you want to love and respect you.

So OP's DH is acting like a child and it is OP's responsibility to change the relationship. Do you even hear yourself? Everything is always the woman's fault, even when the man is acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

It is so exhausting to be OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

Yep. Poor guy. What is the message to the kids, lol…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

Yep. Poor guy. What is the message to the kids, lol…

Clean up behind yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so exhausting to be OP.

+1 two full time jobs and no support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

This is a really good interpretation of both sides. OP, this is exactly how your post - written by you so presumably in a charitable light - reads.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

[Anonymous]

I’d be annoyed if you made that into a big thing. He’s an adult, why make it a big deal when it’s not?! It sounds like YOU let little things bother you which creates distance in your marriage. I think you need individual therapy to learn to let go sometimes. You sound uptight and I’ve seen a lot of marriages end in divorce when there’s an uptight person turning small things into big issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Chill the F out

[Anonymous]

You are the issue. I’m a clean freak too but I can’t control dh. Did he actually dirty the couch? He’s right that plates aren’t dirty on the bottom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.