Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

It was less of "I'm not your care plan" and more "if you stay here like you say you want to, I'm not going to be available to help with things. I can potentially come down for emergencies and help from afar, but I can't be THE plan..." And then I stopped calling every day to check in. I now talk to them once or twice a week and our conversations revolve around what my family is doing and how their week has been instead of me quizzing them on how the new helper is working out and whether my dad's eye infection is responding to the antibiotics. I was getting too involved which stressed them out and me out. And they made it clear that they weren't going to accept my advice or suggestions about changes they should be making to plan for the future. It's working well for now, but unclear how it will work as they continue to age. But at the end of the day, we all make our choices.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

This. You have to move (or put other plans in place) before you need to, and that's where it falls down.

My ILs moved near their kids, in a single level, wheelchair accessible house in a 55+ neighborhood, when they were in their healthy 60s. It was so smart! They have had time to make friends in a place where they can potentially stay a long time, even though they didn't need those amenities when they moved.

[Anonymous]

I know so many peers in this situation, myself included. It takes a huge toll and my father's response was that he didn't want to move and be a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are 80. FIL has liver cancer & diabetes. MIL has a health condition that requires monthly monitoring and procedures. Both struggle physically.

They have downsized but refused to move to us, and moved to a 55 community in NC.

FIL is having severe dementia symptoms, reactions to his liver shutting down, being rushed to ER, and needing to be admitted. Multiple times. We’re working, have young kids, trying to help from afar, jumping in the car to help MIL navigate the hospital situation (she’s not great at advocating/supporting). It’s been so heart wrenching but also unsustainable!

DH is a physician, we live in central VA near good hospitals. We don’t want to move to them because he’s just hitting his stride in his earning years w/a new partnership he’s worked hard for. We have an established, blooming high schooler. We have a younger child with SN that has bounced from school to school and is finally settled.

I am just beyond frustrated that they won’t move to us so we can help support! Especially during medical emergencies which are happening more and more. What is the realistic scenario here? FIL will prob die in the hospital due to something being missed (came close last time). MIL will refuse to come to us, until we force her when she’s old and senile.

WHY do boomers choose this? They could have moved here 5-10 years ago, made friends, had a life, and grown closer to us and our kids. Instead they decided to start over in a new neighborhood down there and now the shit is hitting the fan. But we’re getting it in the face.

Their response? “You should move to
us. We took care of our parents” (which involved sticking them in a home)

So selfish.

Hmm. I wouldn’t want to live near you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

My parents learned from their parents' experiences, but my husband didn't learn from his parents' (the last decade was a mess), even though he says my parents had the right idea.

So I guess I'm moving without him when the time comes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all who say, "Move near family". What if the family decides to move after the elderly parents moved near you? Will you give consideration to your parents who moved to be near you?

I ask because if I were to move where my kids are, what if they decide to move later? My spouse and I have siblings who moved all over the world.

This is the fear I have about moving near to my kids one day.

Also, elderly people make moves based on finances.

NoVA area is not cheap. Maybe your ILs made their decision based on low taxes?

This has to be a discussion with your family. Most people I know don't move out of a region once they have kids, but there are exceptions.

I think the families that pool resources into a multi generation house or buy neighboring houses are really smart, but it's hard for a lot of people to share in that way. There was a window when we were looking to step up from a townhouse and I asked my parents if they wanted to do something like that. They didn't, and now for various reasons (finances, interest rates, age of kids) that window is closed.

[Anonymous]

Are there other siblings to force an intervention of sorts? You can't say "you have to move" but you can say "If you don't move....." It sounds like his parents aren't in a proper frame of mind to be making these decisions.

My parents are insisting they'll age in place 600 miles away. They have means and are currently healthy but it's very nerve-racking that they are so adamant (I am an only child). I think some parents think it's less burdensome to be far away, but in reality it really isn't, and they forget/do not witness the worry and the scrambles, plus they are unfamiliar with the working and family logistics of today's world which in many ways are more complicated than theirs was (commute, always on, activities, etc...).

My DH's parents have emergency after emergency. They are in the same town as his sister, who is handling it mostly and who has a lot more free time to help them (this was both of their choice to be there and we are thankful) but it's overwhelming for her and over the past few years DH has had to leave in a hurry to go help between 2-8 times a year, sometimes with 10 minutes notice, sometimes for weeks at a time. I love them and support them, but it is a freaking mess.

I'm sorry, OP. I understand how frustrating this must be for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

Not the PP, but I was in a similar situation and could not have been MORE explicit. None of it mattered. And when catastrophe DID strike, I was told it was wrong of me to ‘dwell in the past’ and that I needed to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are 80. FIL has liver cancer & diabetes. MIL has a health condition that requires monthly monitoring and procedures. Both struggle physically.

They have downsized but refused to move to us, and moved to a 55 community in NC.

FIL is having severe dementia symptoms, reactions to his liver shutting down, being rushed to ER, and needing to be admitted. Multiple times. We’re working, have young kids, trying to help from afar, jumping in the car to help MIL navigate the hospital situation (she’s not great at advocating/supporting). It’s been so heart wrenching but also unsustainable!

DH is a physician, we live in central VA near good hospitals. We don’t want to move to them because he’s just hitting his stride in his earning years w/a new partnership he’s worked hard for. We have an established, blooming high schooler. We have a younger child with SN that has bounced from school to school and is finally settled.

I am just beyond frustrated that they won’t move to us so we can help support! Especially during medical emergencies which are happening more and more. What is the realistic scenario here? FIL will prob die in the hospital due to something being missed (came close last time). MIL will refuse to come to us, until we force her when she’s old and senile.

WHY do boomers choose this? They could have moved here 5-10 years ago, made friends, had a life, and grown closer to us and our kids. Instead they decided to start over in a new neighborhood down there and now the shit is hitting the fan. But we’re getting it in the face.

Their response? “You should move to
us. We took care of our parents” (which involved sticking them in a home)

So selfish.

Hmm. I wouldn’t want to live near you either.

Your hand on your d*ck as you typed this? People who come onto forums like this to troll are sick in the head. Get help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

It was less of "I'm not your care plan" and more "if you stay here like you say you want to, I'm not going to be available to help with things. I can potentially come down for emergencies and help from afar, but I can't be THE plan..." And then I stopped calling every day to check in. I now talk to them once or twice a week and our conversations revolve around what my family is doing and how their week has been instead of me quizzing them on how the new helper is working out and whether my dad's eye infection is responding to the antibiotics. I was getting too involved which stressed them out and me out. And they made it clear that they weren't going to accept my advice or suggestions about changes they should be making to plan for the future. It's working well for now, but unclear how it will work as they continue to age. But at the end of the day, we all make our choices.

This is my experience as well. Adult children think that having the aging parents nearby is the solution but I am nearby and they don’t want to listen to solutions for their current situation and also won’t plan for the future. They have various significant health issues. I have accepted that they made the decisions to not deal with their current state or future on their own, starting many years ago. Someone called it “magical thinking”…is that the delusion that everything stays the same and your life is rosy even if you don’t take of your health and home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

Not the PP, but I was in a similar situation and could not have been MORE explicit. None of it mattered. And when catastrophe DID strike, I was told it was wrong of me to ‘dwell in the past’ and that I needed to bail them out.

Told by them or by others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

You hit the nail on the head. This was my parents with a dependent sibling thrown in, who's now screaming "it's not fair" when sibling refused to do much to increase earnings in 20 years prior.

The question is not downsizing - the question is do you have the money to stay where you are and the ability/desire to hire in help if you don't downsize. For us to downsize, we will be spending MORE on smaller accommodations, when we can simply install an elevator for much less and plan to hire in help when needed, so our kids can be our kids and not our caretakers. I have a friend up the street living in only 1000 feet of her 5000 square foot home, which is very workable. What is NOT workable is that she refuses to hire in anyone to help her, even though she's disabled and depends on her one kid (who she's burning out) and friends and neighbors to do things for her, who are getting increasingly upset at her refusal to help herself. And it's not just 'can you grab me some bread at the grocery store since you are going'. There are very specific instructions and demands that go with each favor.

It's not always easy to just hire help when needed. Caregivers can be unreliable if you hire privately. There's a bit more reassurance of coverage if you go through an agency, but then you might end up with a revolving door of caregivers...someone different every shift. This can be especially frustrating when there are language and cultural differences.

Then at that point, we go to assisted living. I won’t force my kids to be slaves to us.

+1. We fully funded an LTC plan in our 50s after seeing how it helped finance my ILs final years. We will be looking into downsizing out of our Peter Pan house in the next few years before retirement.