How often do you feel like a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

difference*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

Yes, I’m like this across the board. And it doesn’t mean I don’t reflect on things, realize I could have done things better or differently and strive to do better the next time. I do all of that. It just doesn’t translate for me into beating myself up over stuff and thinking I’m “bad.” I said in my earlier post that I’m just confident that I am generally doing the best I can in that particular situation.

I think I have a lot of innate self confidence that is nature, but my parents nurtured it as well. I’m also a first born, which sort of tracks to this also. I’m married to a first born and it is sort of funny how confident we are in our “rightness” when we initially disagree. But we are happily married and always work it out. And I think I’m pretty good at realizing when his idea is actually better than mine and can pivot to that. I also am confident enough to realize when my kid has a better idea than me, and I tell her that and we pivot to her idea. I think this is promoting confidence in her.

So, an example, let’s say I’m stressed out about work and I speak sort of harshly to my kid about something where she kind of screwed up but my reaction was stronger than it should have been. I will apologize and try not to do that again. But, I’m not beating myself up about it. I also can say that I have literally never yelled at my kid. Since I manage not to yell at people at work, I can do the same for my kid.

I’m very successful at work and I believe part of this has been a lot of self reflection on how to do better and project confidence. Women apologize too much — and we are trained people pleasers. I have a group of women that have mentored each other over the years on this stuff. Probably ten years ago, we talked about removing the “I think” and “I believe” statements in emails. Just make your recommendation with confidence. I literally just did this in an email yesterday where I read over it and was like “why am I being wishy washy, take those caveats out” and I did it. I’m also confident enough at work to give credit to the people who do the work/come up with the idea. I don’t steal people’s good work and pretend it was my own.

[Anonymous]

Multiple times a week. I second guess my parenting decisions a lot and my kids wear me down. Parenting is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

I'm a very self-reflective person, but at my core, I'm a "satisficer" vs. an "optimizer". These are economic terms that describe how people purchase things... do you have a minimum criteria that, when met, you make a purchase? Or do you spend a ton of time researching and finding the absolute best product before purchasing?

I feel like there is a similar dichotomy with parenting. I hold myself to a standard, but it's not the highest standard. I'm not in the business of optimization here, and beating myself up when I fail to live up to this perfect ideal.

I can do this because I actually think that my kids are better off because of this attitude. It makes me calmer, less anxious etc, and I'm not passing on to them that we should aim for perfection.

NP. My eyeballs and brain continue to reject “satisfice” as an actual word, even though I know better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

Yes, I’m like this across the board. And it doesn’t mean I don’t reflect on things, realize I could have done things better or differently and strive to do better the next time. I do all of that. It just doesn’t translate for me into beating myself up over stuff and thinking I’m “bad.” I said in my earlier post that I’m just confident that I am generally doing the best I can in that particular situation.

I think I have a lot of innate self confidence that is nature, but my parents nurtured it as well. I’m also a first born, which sort of tracks to this also. I’m married to a first born and it is sort of funny how confident we are in our “rightness” when we initially disagree. But we are happily married and always work it out. And I think I’m pretty good at realizing when his idea is actually better than mine and can pivot to that. I also am confident enough to realize when my kid has a better idea than me, and I tell her that and we pivot to her idea. I think this is promoting confidence in her.

So, an example, let’s say I’m stressed out about work and I speak sort of harshly to my kid about something where she kind of screwed up but my reaction was stronger than it should have been. I will apologize and try not to do that again. But, I’m not beating myself up about it. I also can say that I have literally never yelled at my kid. Since I manage not to yell at people at work, I can do the same for my kid.

I’m very successful at work and I believe part of this has been a lot of self reflection on how to do better and project confidence. Women apologize too much — and we are trained people pleasers. I have a group of women that have mentored each other over the years on this stuff. Probably ten years ago, we talked about removing the “I think” and “I believe” statements in emails. Just make your recommendation with confidence. I literally just did this in an email yesterday where I read over it and was like “why am I being wishy washy, take those caveats out” and I did it. I’m also confident enough at work to give credit to the people who do the work/come up with the idea. I don’t steal people’s good work and pretend it was my own.

Wow. I, I, I…

[Anonymous]

90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

I have such low self confidence, but my parenting is the one area where I feel good. I’m very reflective about my mistakes, try to learn from them and make actual changes. Like if I feel bad about working too much, I work less. I notice all of the good things I do. My mom really struggled with parenting so I guess by comparison I can see that I’m doing fine.

[Anonymous]

I used to feel this way when my kids were younger. So much pressure to be that perfect mom. Even good enough had to be good enough. I felt like my kids were harder than others and I wondered what I was doing wrong.

Now my kids are teens and doing okay compared to other teens (knock wood) and so I’m feeling more competent, but I know that any day now something could flip.

I think I am realizing at this point how we do have control over how our kids turn out, but not as much as we think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

Yes, I’m like this across the board. And it doesn’t mean I don’t reflect on things, realize I could have done things better or differently and strive to do better the next time. I do all of that. It just doesn’t translate for me into beating myself up over stuff and thinking I’m “bad.” I said in my earlier post that I’m just confident that I am generally doing the best I can in that particular situation.

I think I have a lot of innate self confidence that is nature, but my parents nurtured it as well. I’m also a first born, which sort of tracks to this also. I’m married to a first born and it is sort of funny how confident we are in our “rightness” when we initially disagree. But we are happily married and always work it out. And I think I’m pretty good at realizing when his idea is actually better than mine and can pivot to that. I also am confident enough to realize when my kid has a better idea than me, and I tell her that and we pivot to her idea. I think this is promoting confidence in her.

So, an example, let’s say I’m stressed out about work and I speak sort of harshly to my kid about something where she kind of screwed up but my reaction was stronger than it should have been. I will apologize and try not to do that again. But, I’m not beating myself up about it. I also can say that I have literally never yelled at my kid. Since I manage not to yell at people at work, I can do the same for my kid.

I’m very successful at work and I believe part of this has been a lot of self reflection on how to do better and project confidence. Women apologize too much — and we are trained people pleasers. I have a group of women that have mentored each other over the years on this stuff. Probably ten years ago, we talked about removing the “I think” and “I believe” statements in emails. Just make your recommendation with confidence. I literally just did this in an email yesterday where I read over it and was like “why am I being wishy washy, take those caveats out” and I did it. I’m also confident enough at work to give credit to the people who do the work/come up with the idea. I don’t steal people’s good work and pretend it was my own.

Wow. I, I, I…

Lol. That PP is full of it—she sounds like she has low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think back to all those episodes of Maury Povich I used to watch in college with unruly kids who cursed at the audience members or people who fed their 6 month olds raw hot dogs and soda. Then I look at myself, shrug, and think I'm probably doing just fine. There are pinterest moms, Maury moms, and then a really wide distribution of us in the middle. And that's fine with me.

I love this

[Anonymous]

Less than a few months ago, though more than I preferred. The thing that helped is that I just decided to accept myself and remind myself that in the very grand scheme of things (i.e. world over), I'm a better parent than a lot of kids have, whether through intent or circumstance. I provide food and shelter, I provide positive reinforcement and opportunities, I keep them safe.

After that, I decided to just be with my kids in ways that worked for both of us. My 10y.o. DD wants "mom and me" time...so now that time includes mani/pedis and lunch dates at restaurants that maybe seem too fancy for a kid but are places I also enjoy eating. In other words, I removed some of the "sacrifice" of time together to that we are both relaxed and enjoying the time.

It's done wonders for my parenting and my sense of feeling like I'm good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never do. Not to say I do everything right but I'm confident in my choices.

The worst moms feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Never. I honestly think I'm a great mom (and I don't particularly have high self confidence or anything). But I am so incredibly lucky to have a great mom myself so I feel like I learned from the best plus my degree is in child development and I have been working with kids professionally for 17 years. I feel like motherhood is the one piece of my life I always have under control to the extent possible.

[Anonymous]

Rarely. I am a great mom and other people tell me so too. I feel a twinge of guilt if I ever yell at them, but I quickly apologize if it’s on me, and we hug it out and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never do. Not to say I do everything right but I'm confident in my choices.

The worst moms feel this way.

NP but lol. Some of us know we are doing it right. Doesn’t mean our kids are perfect. But we are doing really well.