How often do you feel like a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

But I'll say that it's because of pressure I put on myself, not that anyone around me makes me feel like that. I'm overall confident in most of my choices (to work/not work, where to send our kids to school, where to live, choice of after-school activities, etc.), but my twins are now almost ten, both girls, and their emotions really throw me for a loop a lot! I try hard to acknowledge and apologize for my mistakes, but as a very logical person, I do struggle with their feelings/reactions sometimes.

PP here. I couldn't care less that I'm not a "Pinterest mom." I do what I can and what I enjoy and my kids seem happy. I don't know that I've often felt like a bad mom because society has told me to be something else. It's more when I feel like I'm not meeting my kids where they're at and giving them exactly what they need in the moment to help them. But I've never felt bad about the "things" (gifts, food, opportunities, events, etc.) I have or have not given them.

[Anonymous]

Often, but it’s like when I’m making brownies for my kids or letting them skip a shower one time and I have the judgmental DCUM shitheads in my head

[Anonymous]

All the time. And I know people think I am a good mom. I feel like they just don’t see the bad stuff.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of times I feel like a bad mom. Example: after a frazzled day I buy them Happy Meals for dinner. Now they are happy but I know I can do better. On the other hand I don’t believe my bad mom things will have a long term negative effect on them.

[Anonymous]

Every day.

I say all the time to other moms "you aren't a bad mom, you're doing amazing, nobody is perfect!"

But when I think about me, I'm like, "no, I really AM a bad mom!"

[Anonymous]

Every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the time. And I know people think I am a good mom. I feel like they just don’t see the bad stuff.

I sometimes feel the opposite. I think I'm fundamentally a good mom but I often sense judgment from others regarding my parenting and it annoys me because I think they are making snap judgments based on the wrong info.

It's like that feeling when your toddler has a tantrum in public and you handle it *perfectly* (stay calm, keep them from harming themselves or anyone else, either help them clam down or remove them from the situation fairly quickly, etc.) and you STILL get people glaring out you or making comments about "controlling your kid."

And then god forbid the same thing happens and you don't handle it perfectly, because you're tired or hungry or this is the 4th tantrum today, or the source of the tantrum is some stress on your family that you are still working through or something. So maybe you snap at your kid, or you let them wail for a minute while you give yourself a minute even though obviously that's annoying to other people there. And then the looks and comments you get are way worse, and sometimes people won't even consider for a moment that you are just having a tough day. In their eyes, you're a terrible mom.

My kid is older now and the dynamics are a bit different, but fundamentally I think this still plays out. Even when I am parenting great, there is always some peanut gallery who wants to second guess and criticize and tell me I'm wrong. And when I'm parenting imperfectly because I'm human, people are quick to seize on it. And it's all BS because I'm actually a darn good mom whose kid is overall doing pretty well, plus dealing with some specific challenges unique to my kid pretty well too. And sometimes it feels like no one even sees this because they are mostly looking for something public that they can call a mistake to seize on.

I've learned to care a lot less and let a lot of this stuff go, but that doesn't mean I don't know people are judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dailyish, but I remind myself that this job sucks and wasn't designed with moms in mind and then I get over it.

There's no way to be a "good mom" all the time. From the moment you conceive, you're doing it wrong in someone else's eyes.

Lower your personal standards for what motherhood is supposed to be/mean, and maybe do some therapy about where you found those beliefs and whether or not they serve you.

But remember: this job is a scam, in our culture it's largely built on the idea that enslaved people would do the work, and there's literally no way to do it "right". So if you're doing it wrong, you're completely normal (and in good company, whether or not the DCUMommies admit it).

Pp, can you say more about the bolded? I’m not trying to start a fight or a debate, I’ve just never heard this and want to understand what you mean.

Your post really resonates with me except I view it through the lens of the patriarchy. Like no matter what happens with my kids it’s always and forever my fault, whereas all my husband has to do is literally exist and not hit them and is a HERO DAD.

[Anonymous]

Black-and-white thinking is not the healthiest. I definitely have good and bad moments, but I don't frame it as sometimes being a good mom and other times being a bad mom. I'm just a mom, and also a human, and except for really extreme scenarios I resist the idea of thinking that many people would truly fall into a "bad parent" category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the time. And I know people think I am a good mom. I feel like they just don’t see the bad stuff.

I sometimes feel the opposite. I think I'm fundamentally a good mom but I often sense judgment from others regarding my parenting and it annoys me because I think they are making snap judgments based on the wrong info.

It's like that feeling when your toddler has a tantrum in public and you handle it *perfectly* (stay calm, keep them from harming themselves or anyone else, either help them clam down or remove them from the situation fairly quickly, etc.) and you STILL get people glaring out you or making comments about "controlling your kid."

And then god forbid the same thing happens and you don't handle it perfectly, because you're tired or hungry or this is the 4th tantrum today, or the source of the tantrum is some stress on your family that you are still working through or something. So maybe you snap at your kid, or you let them wail for a minute while you give yourself a minute even though obviously that's annoying to other people there. And then the looks and comments you get are way worse, and sometimes people won't even consider for a moment that you are just having a tough day. In their eyes, you're a terrible mom.

My kid is older now and the dynamics are a bit different, but fundamentally I think this still plays out. Even when I am parenting great, there is always some peanut gallery who wants to second guess and criticize and tell me I'm wrong. And when I'm parenting imperfectly because I'm human, people are quick to seize on it. And it's all BS because I'm actually a darn good mom whose kid is overall doing pretty well, plus dealing with some specific challenges unique to my kid pretty well too. And sometimes it feels like no one even sees this because they are mostly looking for something public that they can call a mistake to seize on.

I've learned to care a lot less and let a lot of this stuff go, but that doesn't mean I don't know people are judging.

God I so relate on the judgement thing. It is so awful. And to me feels so specifically american. Americans have this expectation that kids should somehow like, not exist? I always want to scream back at people like “NEWSFLASH-kids are sometimes inconvenient! And NO ONE is more inconvenienced by my kid THAN ME!” I also want to scream at people like, can you imagine for one second a society without children? It would cripple us. Look at countries with super low birth rates. It is very bad for the economy. My kid has a right to be here just as much as you or anyone else.

Not to start a debate but I get the most vitriol from boomers when my kid is difficult, which is often as he has severe special needs.

[Anonymous]

Every day. I feel like no matter what I do, it's not enough. I imagine this is compounded by my one child having SN.

[Anonymous]

Never. I know I'm good enough.

[Anonymous]

Daily. Especially at night. We love to read to our kids but then getting them from reading to brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, getting in bed is a nightmare scenario. It ends in tears most nights and dh and I are incredibly fed up. Part of the issue is that my younger son won't let DH read to him (tears and tantrums nightly), so we can't split up to read to the kids separately. It's hell.

I constantly see Gen Z kids going on and on about their trauma from time outs or having to eat dinner with their families, or super minor things and it just makes me really sad for the future. Nothing is ever going to be good enough for these kids. I think we're excellent parents but no where near perfect enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

You have a lot to deal with which is out of your control (cancer recovery, parent's health issues). What is within your control is your framing of how you are parenting. Childhood is short. Please don't allow your self assessments and harsh self judgement diminish the enjoyment of your time with your children. Their childhood goes so fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never do. Not to say I do everything right but I'm confident in my choices.

+1. In general, I’m not a person with a lot of regrets. Even when I objectively do the wrong thing, I know I did the best I could at that particular moment. I just try to learn from it and do better the next time.

My parenting style is also probably more “paternal” than maternal — at least how those things go by traditional norms, which I’m not a fan of.

I think women are sacrificing themselves on the altar of motherhood far too much. And I think the AAP is a major contributor. All this “you just breastfeed, you must do this, you must do that” is often for incredibly small changes in risk at the expense of the mom’s mental health.