How often do you feel like a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

[Anonymous]

Dailyish, but I remind myself that this job sucks and wasn't designed with moms in mind and then I get over it.

There's no way to be a "good mom" all the time. From the moment you conceive, you're doing it wrong in someone else's eyes.

Lower your personal standards for what motherhood is supposed to be/mean, and maybe do some therapy about where you found those beliefs and whether or not they serve you.

But remember: this job is a scam, in our culture it's largely built on the idea that enslaved people would do the work, and there's literally no way to do it "right". So if you're doing it wrong, you're completely normal (and in good company, whether or not the DCUMommies admit it).

[Anonymous]

Often these days.

[Anonymous]

24/7 save some magic moments. They know they're loved and safe but I spend a lot of time thinking about what I could have done better. It probably does NOT help me be a better mom to obsess about it.

[Anonymous]

I never do. Not to say I do everything right but I'm confident in my choices.

[Anonymous]

Many times a day. And it's always the worst when people (coworkers, friends, etc) say that we must be great parents. It feels like they're going to see through me any second at how bad I am at all of this.

[Anonymous]

At least daily. But fortunately my kids still seem to like me so the times where I do an okay job must outweigh the bad mom bits so far I guess?

[Anonymous]

Often, but usually when we are interacting with people outside our family. When it's just us and I'm basing it on my actual parenting and relationships with my kids, I feel either good or neutral about my parenting. I put a lot of effort in and am thoughtful so I think it would be hard for me to totally fail.

The "I'm a bad mom" thought come when I'm interacting with the school or other moms and they are setting standards or expectations that are about more than how I interact with my kids. Like the only there day a school mom was going on about how much she loves their nanny and everything the nanny does for their kids, and I felt inadequate because nannies are very common in our area but I instead took some time off and SAHMed when our kids were little, and then went part time. I felt inadequate just because our family set up is different. It's silly because if I think about it all, I'm happy with my choices. But sometimes when other people assert very strongly how great their way is, I feel self doubt.

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot on your plate, OP. I’m also the mom to two kids the same ages and I feel like a bad mom pretty frequently. Only I don’t work crazy hours and I’m not really dealing with health issues. We are so hard on ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

You always spotted around your joys?

[Anonymous]

Very infrequently.

It's not that I'm a perfect mom. Far from it!

It's because I know that my kids don't need a perfect mom.

[Anonymous]

I think back to all those episodes of Maury Povich I used to watch in college with unruly kids who cursed at the audience members or people who fed their 6 month olds raw hot dogs and soda. Then I look at myself, shrug, and think I'm probably doing just fine. There are pinterest moms, Maury moms, and then a really wide distribution of us in the middle. And that's fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Daily.

But I'll say that it's because of pressure I put on myself, not that anyone around me makes me feel like that. I'm overall confident in most of my choices (to work/not work, where to send our kids to school, where to live, choice of after-school activities, etc.), but my twins are now almost ten, both girls, and their emotions really throw me for a loop a lot! I try hard to acknowledge and apologize for my mistakes, but as a very logical person, I do struggle with their feelings/reactions sometimes.

[Anonymous]

This thread shows me how universal and unfair it is the way we treat ourselves. Odds are, we are all objectively pretty good moms. What we are not, is kind to ourselves, or realistic. Especially if you see your mistakes and apologize for them to your kids, you are in the 99th percentile.