SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have a village either. Still don't. The hardest part is not letting resentment towards the people who didn't show up take over. It's okay to feel frustrated with family, in particular, who don't come through. I was really disappointed in my parents and my older sister, especially since I'd shown up for her when she became a mom. But you have to find a way to carry on for your kid.

I think I still kept thinking the village would show up for a few years. But then I got through those tough toddler years without it for the most part. I did develop some friendships with other parents, but it was mostly just to create community for my kid -- it's not like they were helping with childcare or something. Other people have their own problems, just like you. I've also encountered plenty of people who have lots of help from family and don't really get that I don't, which is fine but isolating.

Anyway, I feel like in the last year or so (my child is 5) I've just come to a place of acceptance. I value everyone who plays a role in my child's life -- teachers, coaches, babysitters, parents of classmates and friends. I appreciate my neighbors for just saying hello to my kid, making conversation, providing a sense of place and belonging. Is it the same as having close relationships with grandparents or aunts and uncles, having people who will provide real tangible support to help make your life work with childcare and all that? No but that doesn't mean it's not valuable. I take what I can get.

And then I just try to be the best parent I can. I hope to be able to be there for my kid if they start a family one day in the way that neither my family nor my ILs were. That's all I can do -- look forward, control the things I can control. Try to let go of the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

My child is only a toddler so maybe in a few years, I'll find your advice to be prescient. But for now I am so happy to live near several nice families with young kids because I don't have the time or energy to drive around for playdates. When the nanny has left at 5pm and I have a half hour of play time before dinner is ready, it's awesome to go out in the yard and chat with the friendly moms across the street while our kids play together.

But you have to put in work, and I think that's where OP is struggling. Friends (and loving extended family) don't fall into your lap. You have to work on building and maintaining relationships. When my daughter was a baby and I pushed her stroller for an hour every day, I chatted up every mom I saw. I wasn't shy about asking if they wanted to exchange numbers if we were vibing. I used to joke with my husband that I was out picking up moms. I'm much older than most moms in my neighborhood, and tbh I consider them mom friends rather than real friends. But they still enrich my life! I work from home and feel isolated most of the day, so if it wasn't for my awesome neighbors, I would only be able to socialize on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

do you really think just because someone is child free they don't want to see your kid? I didn't my child until my early 40s, I spent 15 years offering to watch my best friends kids and love all my adopted nephews and nieces.

[Anonymous]

You need to create your own village. It's not that dissimilar if you are estranged from family or live far away from family. Ultimately, you made a decision to have children and while it is disappointing that some of the people closest to you do not want to partake in happy times with your child or help you with childcare it's good that they are saying no upfront instead of saying yes and making you miserable.

You don't need to spend all of your time building community, you just need to do what you can to meet other people. I say this all from experience, I am not close to my family and my husband's family lives far away. We have three children under five and sometimes I look wistfully at people whose parents babysit while they have date night or go on vacations (my BIL and SIL have three sets of parents within 20 minutes for example and all of the parents help them with there two children), but it's not our reality. You can feel sorry for yourself and you can feel jealous (because who wouldn't?), but you would probably benefit from accepting that you can't change your in-laws and moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

You just have to understand healthy boundaries. We have neighbor friends and it's awesome. But I also make sure those kids aren't my kids ONLY friends. It helps we go to different schools. Just make sure your kids has a diverse set of friends to play with during elementary and it will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Your first step: invite the other families with babies/toddlers close to your kid's age over to your house for coffee/playdate. Hold it at 9am or whatever ridiculous hour works for all the naps.

Then, do it again the next month. Or see which family you clicked with the most, and do it again. You may need to host every time for awhile. But as your kids get older, you can shift to a playground. Start scoping the ones that are SMALL and fenced in (key for toddlers). The kids wont' care about playing together very much until they are over the age of 2 or 3, but it will help you feel you have someone to chat with about all this.

I love babies and am excited for my friend's and relatives babies, but I do want to go to a 1 year old birthday party on Zoom. If you want to set up a video call with people, do that. But a zoom party sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first step: invite the other families with babies/toddlers close to your kid's age over to your house for coffee/playdate. Hold it at 9am or whatever ridiculous hour works for all the naps.

Then, do it again the next month. Or see which family you clicked with the most, and do it again. You may need to host every time for awhile. But as your kids get older, you can shift to a playground. Start scoping the ones that are SMALL and fenced in (key for toddlers). The kids wont' care about playing together very much until they are over the age of 2 or 3, but it will help you feel you have someone to chat with about all this.

I love babies and am excited for my friend's and relatives babies, but I do want to go to a 1 year old birthday party on Zoom. If you want to set up a video call with people, do that. But a zoom party sounds awful.

From daycare. Host the families from daycare. Sorry left that part out!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My in-laws were the same. DD has an aunt nearby she literally only met like two or three times before DD was a teen and now the aunt is more interested in her. Some people just really aren't into babies and young kids. They don't find them cute and they don't know how to interact with them. If I were you I would really try to find new friends with an oldest baby your baby's age. I say oldest because I find that parents are usually more connected to other parents when their oldest kids are the same age. Maybe that's because they're going through all the first stages of their kids lives at the same time. Is your family involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

Yeah but at 1 all you really need is 2 baby swings and you’ll meet another parent with a baby. And there are often younger toddlers - not 12 months, but maybe 15/16 months - exploring at the playgrounds while older siblings play.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the $40/hour babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the $40/hour babysitter.

My take is that babysitting requests are either coming in at the very last minute, or OP is presenting as extremely high maintenance so someone is either saying no or charging that high to make it worth their while. I had a NICU baby also, and when I interviewed experienced people for a PT nanny position, they were all in the $20-25/hr range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

Yeah but at 1 all you really need is 2 baby swings and you’ll meet another parent with a baby. And there are often younger toddlers - not 12 months, but maybe 15/16 months - exploring at the playgrounds while older siblings play.

I met one of my best friends at a playground when our now teens were toddlers playing. But I agree with others, OP, that you need to actively try to befriend other families with babies. Not for your baby’s sake— baby has you & his dad & is fine— but for your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

This was sort of me 4 years ago. Only child, SO had one local sibling who was a space cadet/not someone i'd trust with my baby, and an elderly mom who was not ever going to be a hands on grandma. Join as many mom groups as you can. Become a regular at storytimes and activity classes etc. You have to think of it like dating- be uncomfortable and bold in connecting with people and following up.
And you aren't wrong- other cultures really are set up to put families and children first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

This was sort of me 4 years ago. Only child, SO had one local sibling who was a space cadet/not someone i'd trust with my baby, and an elderly mom who was not ever going to be a hands on grandma. Join as many mom groups as you can. Become a regular at storytimes and activity classes etc. You have to think of it like dating- be uncomfortable and bold in connecting with people and following up.
And you aren't wrong- other cultures really are set up to put families and children first.

Attending your great-niece or great-nephew's first birthday party out of town is really not a normal expectation in any culture. My husband and I are actually very close to all of our aunts and uncles but none of them live locally. They did not attend our children's birthday parties, nor did we expect them to . We see them about once a year at big family gatherines and they are all very interested and loving towards our kids. OP has very unrealistic expectations here.