Talking about *The Bad* Kid in Class
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Anonymous
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DC has been coming home every day talking about "the bad" kid in class - what that kid did each day that was disruptive, how many "chance" that kid got, and how much DC doesn't like school because of "the bad" kid. (The disruptive behavior ranges from attacking other kids to screaming to smashing things etc.)
So, I'm very sympathetic that it seems like this kid clearly needs behavioral intervention support (or whatever is the best fit for the needs) and hasn't received it (yet?) (kindergarten). I'm hoping the teacher/school/parents are on this & suspect that's the case -- but 1) what is the best way to talk to my DC about it - I've been trying "XX isn't *bad*, XX is trying to learn how to behave when angry/emotional/etc or learn how to follow the rules" -- (DC and sibling both responded "no XX is just bad!" what works best here? 2) don't want DC to be an disruptive environment or be upset daily by this type of behavior vs. feeling in a safe, secure, respectful environment (to use Arne Duncan's vernacular). I think it's probably not probably as disruptive as DC is conveying but it's clear there's an issue (and other parents have raised it too). I was thinking of raising it by raising question 1 with teacher as a way of broaching it, but also don't have parent/teacher conferences/easy opportunity to discuss it until November. |
Anonymous
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A few things:
1) You can absolutely meet with the teacher and/or the principal before the conference. Email or call, schedule an appt. 2) You should definitely let the teacher know about your DC feeling unsafe etc. and asking what strategies the teacher has in place to maintain classroom order. 3) You are right that the message should be about compassion to your son. "Sounds like Larlo was having a really bad day/was really sad." Etc. |
Anonymous
| I'm a teacher. Email the teacher. Just relay what your child has said. Don't make any accusations or value judgements. |
Anonymous
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1) I have tended to use words like "X has a hard time controlling his body and words, and is still learning how to behave at school."
2) HOWEVER, while I try to make the discussion about behaviour rather than innate goodness or badness, I also emphasize with my kids that they have a right to protect their own bodies and feelings. They don't have to play with anyone who is unkind to them, and they should feel free to talk to a teacher or aide if X is bothering, hurting, or threatening them. We even role play how to tell the teacher at home. |
Anonymous
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Kids at that age are very black and white, so it will take a while for you to convey that gray -- this kid is doing some bad things but he's having a hard time; he's not a bad kid.
Maybe also talk about some times that your children did the wrong thing and why -- angry? impulsive -- and how that didn't make them bad kids, but they needed to make different choices. I also redirect - well, we''ll let Larlo's mom and dad figure out Larlo....how did YOU do today? Teach them the difference between talking about Larlo's behavior that affects them and Larlo's behavior that is just gossiping. If you are concerned about the classroom being disruptive, email the teacher. No need to wait for Nov. |
Anonymous
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OP,
This is a tough one. As a former teacher, I can say that the teacher is more upset about this than your child. If this is K, it may take a while before anything happens. However, I would hold off a little--this is only the second week of school. I would NOT ask the teacher what strategies she is using to correct the problem. That puts her on the spot with privacy issues. It is unprofessional to talk about a specific child with another parent. Please don't ask her to tell you what she is doing about the problem. Since this is only the second week of school, I would wait a week or so and see what happens. Believe me, the teacher is working on it. Getting a child removed from the class is not going to happen quickly. I'd try to downplay it with your own child, as others have suggested. |
Anonymous
| My daughter faces this situation and I tell her to mind her own business and focus on herself and not what others are doing. I advise her to ignore the person and play with other people if she doesn't like how they are acting. They have to learn to deal with all sorts. Unless there is a bullying situation in which case I'd email the teacher. |
Anonymous
BS. No one is asking her to breech confidences. The parent has every right to ask how the teacher is making sure that the parent's child is kept safe and secure. The teacher should have no problem explaining her strategies for that. If the teacher cannot, then the parent should be escalating this issue to the administration. The privacy of any one kid need never come into jeopardy. |
Anonymous
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OP, 1. Tell your child that the behavior is bad, but not the person. In K, he should be able to understand that. 2. You can talk to the teacher if you're worried about how this impacts the learning environment. Send an email to ask when would be a good time to have a 5 minute chat. These things are better said face to face. 3. A little story: in third grade my son would come home with exactly the same lines about another boy. I thought the other boy was smart and cute and a little rambunctious, but nothing out of the ordinary. However my son would never want to play with him, because the teacher was imprinting on the kids that this was a "bad" kid. I had the opportunity to observe in class that the teacher could not stand this poor kid, was constantly hectoring him, and as a result, all the other children shunned him as well. Now in 5th grade, my son is great friends with the other boy, because the 5th grade teacher has a different disciplinary approach, and perhaps the boy must have matured as well. |
Anonymous
Agree. |
Anonymous
First of all your use of the word "bad" to describe a kindergartner makes me cringe. Second of all as you note 5/6 year olds are not the most accurate or nuanced reporters. I would try to minimize the talk about the other kid. I think trying to explain just maintains the focus on the other child. I agree with the other posters on trying to re-direct back to your own kid and also a simple "you worry about you, not others" message. I sometimes think the more I try to explain something to my kindergarten the less he hears Also I'd be concerned that any explanation I might give would we repeated to all his classmates , probably a little mixed up along the way. I may it a general rule not to discuss other kids issues with or in front of my kid. If I must address difficulties concerning another person I try to keep it simple and non-judgemental and turn the focus back to my son. "I'm sorry you aren't liking school - what don't you like?" "Oh, it can be hard when other kids are ________." "Let's think of some things you can do tomorrow if that happens again." And depending on the details come up with some coping strategies such as set at a different table, etc. To your second point, I think you might be overreacting and would give it more time. Plus, kid may be picking up signals from you that are making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. |
Anonymous
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School just started and this is K so if you're in FCPS or MCPS this child has been in school for what two weeks? If this child wasn't in pre-K it's not really that unusual for there to be an adjustment period. I was actually pretty surprised a few years ago when I volunteered and saw that this type of thing was happening in our DC's K classroom at the beginning of the school year. There were multiple kids throwing themselves on the ground and crying, crumpling up papers and breaking crayons, being physical with other kids. My DC was in pre-K and most of the kids who did pre-K adjusted more easily than those who weren't used to the routine. We are in what is considered to be a very good school by the way.
By middle of the year things had calmed down and everyone was adjusted and things were great. The more disruptive kids weren't disruptive anymore and friends with everyone. I agree with PP that you may be overreacting. Stuff being smashed? Is he really smashing stuff or just rough with the class materials? Attacking other kids? Is he reacting to other kids being physical or teasing him or is he actually out of the blue attacking them? "Screaming"? Does he has volume control issues or is he really screaming? If the situation is that dire you can be sure the child has some sort of special needs and you should be understanding. No one wants your child to be in an environment where he does not feel safe but I can assure you that my child was also reporting all the things all the classmates did at the beginning of K because there is such a huge emphasis on behavior and because it is so public. So I know which kids got in trouble for what but which kids were misbehaving but DC never ever called any of them "bad." Where is this language coming from? Is it the teacher or do you use this language at home?
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Anonymous
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I would tell my kid, "You worry about YOURSELF" stop worrying about what others are doing, you can't control your surroundings and if you need a perfect environment to do well you are never going to get that.
Do your work, worry about yourself and stop paying attention to the other kids. "But the kid is loud" Worry about yourself. "But the kid breaks things" Worry about yourself "but the kids eats his bugger" Worry about yourself "But he burps his alphabet" Okay, that one is cool, ask for lessons on the playground. |
Anonymous
Best advice ever! |
Anonymous
+1. |