Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?

[Anonymous]

I'm sharing here, because I think it will just make me feel better to type this out or to see if anyone else relates?

My father passed away in September 2014 from a long battle with heart disease (15 years). My mother always said that she just couldn't imagine herself loving another man and *gasp* remarrying. So, it came a shock to me when she announced in January that she was dating someone. It shocked me, but it didn't upset me. I was ok with the idea of her having something to do and occasionally going out to eat, a movie, etc. I did not want her to sit around and be depressed. Well, the relationship evolved quickly and she announced to me (very abruptly) that she will be marrying him on October 3 (just a couple weeks after the 1 year passing of my father).

I am just heartbroken. I feel selfish for feeling this way, but it's just how I FEEL. I can't ignore my feelings. I have only started to really process the death of my father, let alone begin to process her moving into a new relationship...and a marriage, at that! She is also selling our family home and moving in with him. It's all just too much.

Many of my close friends and family just tell me to "suck it up"... "life's too short"... "she's your mother"... "just love her"... etc. YES, I KNOW! But, this really, really HURTS!

Anyone else dealt with this??

[Anonymous]

I think it would help you a lot to get some grief counseling to deal with your feelings on it. It is completely normal for you to be struggling with this, but at the same time, you are an adult and it's not your mother's job to run her life around your emotions. Your mother watched your father decline over the course of 15 years, probably spending a lot of that time serving are a caretaker and grieving the loss that she knew was coming. If you weren't as closely involved as she was, it's understandable that your grieving process wouldn't have started as early as hers, and so would be acute for longer after his death.

[Anonymous]

I think it's much more common for men to remarry quickly vs. a woman. However your Mom may not be able to handle/deal with being alone and she may need someone living with her.

I'd agree with the PP about seeing a therapist and dealing with your grief and conflicting emotions -- which are very understandable!

[Anonymous]

I'm not personally dealing with this but my close friend is going through something very similar. Her mother died at the end of May after an approximately three year battle with cancer. Her father announced two months to the day after she died that he was remarrying. He's planning on getting married next month, which would be about four months after her death. I should also mention that he had been talking to this other woman casually (nothing physical) since before her mother died, and even really before the cancer was terminal.

My friend asked for my advice and I told her to tell him how she felt -- that she understood his need for companionship but that it was too soon, and was disrespectful to her mother's memory and incredibly hurtful to her and her sister. I told her to resist the urge to cut him out of her life completely because he is her father and she would regret it, but that she was entitled to her feelings and she shouldn't keep them bottled up inside.

No, your mom doesn't have to run her life around your emotions, but taking your feelings into consideration (within reason) is just the decent thing to do. I think you can tell her how you feel. But then be prepared to accept her decision, no matter how much it hurts.

[Anonymous]

OP, BTDT. My mom died in August. In March my dad told us he was dating. About a week later he was engaged and they married in May. My mom hadn't even been dead a year. It was crushing. We tried to be supportive but there were a lot of fights. It was a horrible time for everyone involved. My friend told me to focus on the fact that when people remarry so quickly it is because they had a good marriage and want to be in one again.

This was all 10 years ago. I could have handled things better. She does make my Dad happy and that is a good thing. He is now in poor health and I am glad she is there to take care of him rather than me or my siblings. But we aren't close and she has her own kids who she focuses on. It is a really sad situation for everyone involved.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who married a man very soon after his wife's passing. He has adult children and they were really thrown for a loop -- not because they didn't want their father to be happy, but because they were still mourning the loss of their mom and that was completely incongruent with planning a wedding. My own mom had died around the same time and I had a tough time being supportive of my friend, because I kept putting myself in the kids' shoes.

Id be having a tough time, too, OP. And I'm really sorry. I agree that counseling might help, just to give you a place to talk openly about your feelings without repercussion.

It is just as okay for you to be sad and heartbroken as it is for her to remarry. I think you can tell your mom how you feel and then grit your teeth and try to figure out how to deal with it.

honestly, though, we were all counseled not to make any dramatic decisions (unless necessary) for a year after my mom died and I guess we really took that to heart, so it does make it tough for me to understand how people are able to seemingly move on so quickly. Id have been reeling and you sound like you're handling this as well as you can, which is surely better than I would have.

I'm sorry about your dad. This stuff sucks.

[Anonymous]

Society used to have mourning periods for very good reasons.

You know what they say: Marry in haste, repent in leisure. That goes double when you remarry without family support or a lot of thought.

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, BTDT. My mom died in August. In March my dad told us he was dating. About a week later he was engaged and they married in May. My mom hadn't even been dead a year. It was crushing. We tried to be supportive but there were a lot of fights. It was a horrible time for everyone involved. My friend told me to focus on the fact that when people remarry so quickly it is because they had a good marriage and want to be in one again.

This was all 10 years ago. I could have handled things better. She does make my Dad happy and that is a good thing. He is now in poor health and I am glad she is there to take care of him rather than me or my siblings. But we aren't close and she has her own kids who she focuses on. It is a really sad situation for everyone involved.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

PP, I'm glad to hear that it seems to have worked out for your family now that your step-mom is there for your ailing dad. OP, i've also been there. My parents were together since they were 15. She died after 7 months of the most drawn out horrific battle with a chronic condition (sick of and on for years before this). Dad remarried but (since he lives overseas) never told kids exactly when it occurred. We were not upset to not have been invited. Where we come from stepparents/adult stepkids generally do not have relationships. What was shocking to us was how soon it could have occurred. He obviously was embarrassed by how quickly he may have done it, since he won't confirm the exact timing of it. What's made it a bit more complicated is that she apparently has an adult child, and my siblings and I are very cognizant of the fact that she may try to influence my dad to give her son something, should she survive my dad. Who knows. Maybe she'll try to squeeze us all out?

I guess this is wrong, but I've always said that I could accept the idea of my mom remarrying over my dad (perhaps b/c we were always closer to my mom).

Although, I am not crazy about how this all went down, I do have to say that in some ways I understand it better now. A cousin-in-law (her deceased spouse was my cousin) lost her husband just before my passed away (wow almost 14 years now) and she was only 38 (was and still is very, very pretty/attractive) and my cousin's family (sisters and aunt) seemed to think she should stay unmarried for the sake of the two kids (only 7 and 9 at the time). Well, I saw her recently and I have wondered how she's managed to do everything on her own all this time.

I know it's not easy, believe me, I've been there. But life is really short, so please don't let this get you down. Also, i know my dad loved my mom, so please don't let this recent crazy shit make you doubt that your mom loved your dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, this happened to me. My mom died unexpectedly. I was away at school, did not cope well, and I handled it badly (called Dad and cried to him every night about my mom, then called other family members and cried). It really messed me up when he announced after two months that he was dating. He got angry when I was upset about this, and when I told him how it made me (and my siblings) feel, he told me, "Well, you're wrong." I cut him off because I honestly couldn't handle the pain, and I was very suicidal in that time. Looking back on it, it makes me angry that he glossed over my feelings and didn't slow things down and put me in therapy, or get us family therapy; he only cared about his girlfriend, and the next girlfriend, and the next girlfriend. So I lost my dad and my mom. This messed me up on so many levels and really influenced how I related to men in my 20s. Looking back at this, I'm not sure how helpful it will be to share with you, except to let you know that I understand what it is like when friends and family tell you that you need to be understanding because your surviving parent is "grieving", and that they seem to overlook the fact that the children are also grieving (and that they can't replace a parent in the same way that the parent can replace a spouse).

My dad and I have no relationship now. I see him once a year, and only then because I return to visit other family members; he never even told me when he remarried a few years ago. But I have come to terms with the fact that I need to do what my dad did: put myself first for the sake of survival. My best advice for you is to remember that family members and your mom's friends do not really want to think about the implications of her hasty marriage on her children. They just want her to stop being sad so that life is more comfortable for them/her. And since you don't live with her anymore, it is sometimes best to just remove yourself from the situation so that you can lick your wounds and heal enough to live on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely understand your feelings as my family has been through a similar situation when I was a kid. My grandfather re-married 14 months after my grandmother died. It was really hard for my dad and aunt. Of course, they wanted my grandfather to be happy but we were all still grieving my grandmother. Both of my grandparents were in the their mid-late 50s when she died. There was a wedding and we all went but it was not a joyous occasion for a lot of my family members.

I don't have any advice for you in terms of resolving your feelings but I do strongly encourage you to sit your mom down and talk about the financial implications of her marriage and the sale of your childhood home. My grandfather also sold his home and moved in with his wife without thinking through how finances would be handled when he died. He was only 60 so I guess he figured he had plenty of time. He died 7 years later, the will was a mess, nothing was specified correctly, never spoke with my dad about his wishes and the wife ended up taking my dad/aunt into a bitter fight over his assets. It was ridiculous and unfair and it tore my family apart for years. Make sure she has a will in place and make sure that your mom, you and your siblings (?) do not get screwed over. It's not an easy conversation to have but you can be sure I would be having that conversation if it were my mom.

[Anonymous]

14:56-- please don't ever assume someone is a "step-mom." She is my Dad's wife, plain and simple. There is nothing motherly or mom like about her to me or to my siblings.

[Anonymous]

Widow of over 16 years here. I didn't have a happy marriage, so I never saw a reason to remarry. The kids barely miss their father and never speak of him.

To each his own.

[Anonymous]

"Make sure she has a will in place and make sure that your mom, you and your siblings (?) do not get screwed over."

Most states have statutory spousal rights that cannot be overridden by a will.

[Anonymous]

Not a parent, but my brother-in-law's sister died. Her husband was married within six months. The new wife is keeping him away from his children and grandchildren. All are stunned by this abrupt change of life.

Hope your situation goes better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:56-- please don't ever assume someone is a "step-mom." She is my Dad's wife, plain and simple. There is nothing motherly or mom like about her to me or to my siblings.

I totally agree with this. I hate when people refer to my dad's wife as "your step-mom." At the age of 36, I am only now able to refrain from snapping back, "She's not my step-mom, she's my dad's wife."