Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?

[Anonymous]

Do all of you who think that adult children should have a say in their widowed parents romantic life's believe that parents should similarly be entitled to mettle in your adult relationships, marriage etc?

[Anonymous]

Somehow I think the very same people who complain about their parents dating and/or remarrying are the same ones who will be bitching and moaning how they don't have a life, expect too much time from their children, are too needy and don't understand just how very, very busy and stressful their own lives are and they cannot believe how needy their parents are.

[Anonymous]

My father started dating the day after the funeral. He was always a dick. But, that sort of thing makes my life easier. He can move on from mom, I can move on from him guilt free.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it tells you that your mom and dad had a caring, warm, healthy relationship. I know with my parents, when one died, and the other had a significant other move in right away, I was crushed. But really, the parent "left behind" did not want to be alone, they had been treated so well by the other parent.

OTOH, my MIL wants nothing to do with men; and I happen to know that FIL could not have given two craps about her, so she is taking the money and running, so to speak.

Take it, oddly, as a homage to your deceased parent and how they treated the parent you still have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow I think the very same people who complain about their parents dating and/or remarrying are the same ones who will be bitching and moaning how they don't have a life, expect too much time from their children, are too needy and don't understand just how very, very busy and stressful their own lives are and they cannot believe how needy their parents are.

Maybe. But since my parent didn't wait until I was an independent adult, it's hard to tell. I think it is worse if the remaining parent has children dependent on him/her, but decides to quickly find a new significant other while the children are still grieving. If I had been a married adult when this happened, I don't think it would have messed me up so terribly. I think parents with dependent children really are selfish for dating/marrying very quickly after the other parent's death. A step mother will never really love the widower's kids as her own, especially if the kids are already in their teens and are visibly mourning their mother.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend remarry quickly (less than two years) after her husband's death. He was sick for a long time.

She still loves her first husband (and father of her children) more than anything. She still mourns him and he is still a fixture in their lives. She, along with her second husband, celebrate his life, talk about him often and raise money and awareness for the disease he faced. Her love her first husband is clearly in no way diminished by her second marriage. And her children are very happy about the marriage (yes, I do know this for a fact - probably better than any other aspect of the situation).

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you OP. I have myself suffered a very close and significant loss of a family member that died way before their time and I know that type of loss is profound and life changing. It must be very hard, when you are still entrenched in that loss, to see your mother "move on." But one thing I heard from my friend is - if she found love and happiness again, which in and of itself feels like a miracle, why should she wait to celebrate that through marriage? She hasn't moved on from her first husband's death, but life is moving forward without her first husband because that's what happens.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Many years ago my mom died in November, and my dad was dating by the following summer. The next Christmas he got engaged, so just over a year after my mother died. He ended up not marrying that woman and calling off the engagement. She was really pushing it, and I think it was just too much for him. He had two long term girlfriends after that, and never remarried in the end.

I think there's alot to be said for waiting a year after losing a spouse to start dating. I think it lets everyone grieve and get through it and can minimize hurt feelings. I know it's hard to see, and I'm sorry you're feeling badly about this. I'm afraid my advice would be the same as your friends, that it's best to suck it up, but I know how much it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend remarry quickly (less than two years) after her husband's death. He was sick for a long time.

She still loves her first husband (and father of her children) more than anything. She still mourns him and he is still a fixture in their lives. She, along with her second husband, celebrate his life, talk about him often and raise money and awareness for the disease he faced. Her love her first husband is clearly in no way diminished by her second marriage. And her children are very happy about the marriage (yes, I do know this for a fact - probably better than any other aspect of the situation).

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you OP. I have myself suffered a very close and significant loss of a family member that died way before their time and I know that type of loss is profound and life changing. It must be very hard, when you are still entrenched in that loss, to see your mother "move on." But one thing I heard from my friend is - if she found love and happiness again, which in and of itself feels like a miracle, why should she wait to celebrate that through marriage? She hasn't moved on from her first husband's death, but life is moving forward without her first husband because that's what happens.

This

[Anonymous]

I would probably shack up pretty quickly if DW died. I have always been a serial monogamist, and really do not do well alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father started dating the day after the funeral. He was always a dick. But, that sort of thing makes my life easier. He can move on from mom, I can move on from him guilt free.

Wow!

Your dad beat my dad by a week! Altough he did make his first marriage propsal at two weeks afte mom passed so perhaps we beat you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father started dating the day after the funeral. He was always a dick. But, that sort of thing makes my life easier. He can move on from mom, I can move on from him guilt free.

Wow!

Your dad beat my dad by a week! Altough he did make his first marriage propsal at two weeks afte mom passed so perhaps we beat you there.

Yeah, it sucked. But I had a dream during this time. My mom sat next to me, put her arm around me and just kind of laughed and said "Can you believe this shit?" And said, "you take care of you, baby". That's all I needed to hear.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered therapy to help you handle your own grief? It's hard enough for your father to have lost his wife without having a daughter angry with him. I hope your whole family can find peace so that your mother's memory can be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

14:57 Sorry, OP, I confused your post with some others. The same thing applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do all of you who think that adult children should have a say in their widowed parents romantic life's believe that parents should similarly be entitled to mettle in your adult relationships, marriage etc?

OP never, ever once claimed she should have a say. In fact no PPs have either. They said it can hurt. Don't pretend like moving on to marriage after death very quickly is the same as a previously single parent having another chapter in their "romantic life". Its not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do all of you who think that adult children should have a say in their widowed parents romantic life's believe that parents should similarly be entitled to mettle in your adult relationships, marriage etc?

OP never, ever once claimed she should have a say. In fact no PPs have either. They said it can hurt. Don't pretend like moving on to marriage after death very quickly is the same as a previously single parent having another chapter in their "romantic life". Its not.

Perhaps "having a say" was a bad choice of words, but plenty of posters expressed judgment, anger, hurts etc. when their parent found a new partner or "replaced" the deceased parent. Those same individuals would most likely be upset if their parents expressed negative emotions about their marriage choices or romantic life. Your grieving and their desire to try and a grab some happiness are not and should not be entertained--assuming we are talking about adults and not children who have recently lost a parent. Too many people on this site complain about clingy parents, or bemoaning the lack of food dating partners. If someone can find happiness after grief, no one should judge them.