Reply to Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

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[quote=Anonymous]Hmm, it's difficult to say because as I am not a psychologist I can't really know but I had a boyfriend a little while ago who was a great guy. Calm, respectful, sweet and so uncomplicated - even more so because the man I was with before him had some very narcissistic tendencies and he just wore me right into the ground with his neediness and needless drama. I think that in contrast this man seemed like a dream come true. He never overstepped boundaries, was never nasty, never put me down, was great with my children for the whole three years we were together.

BUT, as time passed I started thinking more and more that he was just a little too distant. I don't quite know how to put it. He never said "I love you" unless I did, always shied away from conversations about the future, then sometimes he would speak about the future as though he saw me in it, then would say things to make me understand he wasn't comfortable speaking about the future. He initiated a chat about us moving in together but that never happened. It just sort of fizzled away, that idea. He was never nasty but would seem scornful of people who couldn't walk away from a difficult relationship or other men who were upset for romantic reasons. Would say things like "Why get so upset over a woman?" as though it was not something he could comprehend. Deep feelings seemed to make him very ill at ease. I was having some problems with work for a while and he'd always listen but never seemed to want to really engage or help me find solutions. If I remember correctly, he even said something like "Let's stop speaking about this now, it's making me feel down" once. 
I sort of felt like I was up against a blank wall sometimes. He never let me in really. No depth to his feelings, no heart to hearts. Just constant and calm all the time. Pleasant but very 'what you see is what you get' and not really 'still waters run deep'.
Even when I knew something was bothering him he never really let me in to chat about it. Never accepted help if he was sick or needed it in any shape or form. Didn't like me stroking his head and saying "poor thing" when he was not well. And so on and so on.

He sabotaged the relationship twice but flirting with another woman and then just sort of faded away without any big explanations. The few times I saw him afterwards he was fine. He didn't seem heartbroken, upset, like he was missing me. Again, just calm, cool, collected.

So, I don't know if he is avoidant but that's my experience of someone I feel liked to just keep things at a safe distance so he could just "be". 
Hope this helps.[/quote]

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