Reply to Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm one of these people too, and it was really hard on my marriage for the first 5+ years (we've been married for 8, together for 15). I attribute it to my parents' approach to parenting (my dad was rough, a really harsh disciplinarian, was not okay for us to have negative emotions; my mom was totally checked out, sometimes literally not even there, once for over a year) and an abusive relationship in high school that left some serious sexual trauma.

I love my husband but I was always pulling back, even when we were dating. Was really hard for me to tell him I love him, I was really avoidant sexually and not fully emotionally engaged when we did have sex. I pulled away from kisses and hugs when they got longer than a couple seconds. I knew my husband was a total saint for his patience with me. Eventually his patience paid off, because I worked really hard over the years to improve my ability to open up to him and trust him, with a lot of success. Sex has become so amazing, but it took me being willing to talk through my fears in the moment (so mortifying, but it was like saying the stuff out loud made it vanish) and him being incredibly patient for a really long time. I know your question wasn't about sex specifically, but that's just the area where the attachment issues manifested for me the most.

It's really hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you you have this particular attachment issue, and I think for us the way we got through was (1)that my husband knew this about me from early on while we were dating and loved me anyway / no matter what, and went into it knowingly and probably accepting that I might always be that way, and (2)I really wanted to break through some of the barriers and be able to be intimate with him, both emotionally and physically, and was willing to face a lot of fear and discomfort to get there. It's always a work in progress, but it is incredible how far we've come. [/quote]

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