Won't take no for an answer and going around to all my family asking them to intercede
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Anonymous
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There's no friendship forum, so I guess I'll put this here. I have a former friend with what I suspect are some mental health issues, and certainly some attachment issues. As long as I've known her, she's had an epic falling out with whoever her dearest friend is at the time - takes her about 5 years to go through the whole cycle from start to finish. We had been friends for ten, so I thought I somehow was magically avoiding to trigger whatever her issues were. Turns out I just stuck around and put up with more than anyone else did, and eventually it became my turn to be the focus, and now that I've put up with what scared most off, the next level of intensity is rather horrible. How this all devolved is a long story, as I suppose any ten year friendship would be, but at this point, I am done. I have used every healthy boundary setting & maintaining tool in my toolbox. I have directly told her - this is what I can offer you, this is what I can't accept in terms of how I'm treated, and this is a take it or leave it offer. Even with such direct communication, she still just doesn't get it. Every response has been that she doesn't understand what happened, that she just needs more explanation from me as to what she did that could have possibly offended me, that we need to communicate better, that we need mediation, that this is all a miscommunication. She is completely deaf to the message that certain behaviors are problematic, and that regardless of motivation, I can't accept being treated a certain way. All she hears is miscommunication and if we could just better understand each other, the actions taken would suddenly be okay.
Well, it's not a fruitful exchange so I've stopped engaging - which I told her explicitly, since that also would have otherwise caused a "why in in the world is this happening? what is happening?" panic. She doesn't like my decision, obviously, and has been going around to my friends and family asking them to intercede on her behalf. She approaches them, pretending to not know things that I have told her, and tricks them into divulging information I have decided to stop sharing with her. I have blocked her on every medium I can, but I can't block her from my whole family. I'm just concerned about the level of obsession and refusal to accept that my answer is no, and no one is going to get me to change it for her. It's been two years, and she's still doing this. I'm kinda scared that she's just out & out lost her mind, and lost all sense of boundaries. It wouldn't be entirely shocking if she just turned up at my door one day - and I haven't shared my address, or even what state I'm in for that exact reason. I'm mostly just venting, but also asking for advice. Would any of you pursue a restraining order at this point? Is that crazy? Is there something else I should be considering? (Obviously, I run like hell from people giving off these red flags now, so hopefully will never be in this situation again.) |
Anonymous
| Sorry you are going through this. Have you given all of your family the heads up that you are done with her and to not share anything with her under any circumstances? I think that's all you can do. Unfortusntrly, I don't think you can get a restraining order without a threat or something else, but I'm not certain so I'll let others chime in on that. |
Anonymous
| What did she do wrong ? She doesn't understand and I don't either? Sounds like you've shut her out completely already |
Anonymous
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You must make it clear to all your friends and family - to anyone she might talk to about you - that she is potentially dangerous and they must not engage with her at all. They must hang up, shut the door, ignore the e-mails.
I think you should at least talk to law enforcement about the harassment and the possibility of a restraining order. "No means no"....whether it's about sex or just being friends. She's obviously not paying any attention to what you say. I'm assuming the OP is a woman....I don't know why, it just sounds like a woman. If a man were pestering OP, it might seem more threatening, but women can be just as deranged and, therefore, dangerous. |
Anonymous
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It's hard to understand without knowing what she did.
But yes, if my best friend wanted to stop being friends, I'd be sad but move on. No need to drag anyone else into it. I honestly don't know what you can do. Tell your family you've had a falling out and decided it's best to part ways, you've told her this but she keeps trying to reconcile, which you have no interest in doing. |
Anonymous
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If she is not contacting you (I think you said its been 2 years since you last had contact) then a restraining order may not be appropriate here (I'm not law enforcement but perhaps someone else is, but I can't imagine what grounds you would have for someone just shit talking to your family)
Have you considered writing a mass email to your family and very briefly and without getting into too much detail, in case someone forwards it to your friend or something, say you are asking for family to please not give any info to your friend as there has been a falling out, please respect my privacy at this time blah blah blah |
Anonymous
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I had a colleague like this - thank goodness she wasn't my friend, I was already on the receiving end of crazy emails! Send a mass email to friends and family, or phone the older generation directly: "A woman called Mary Blah has or may seek to extract information from you about me. Please do not divulge anything, especially sensitive information such as my address, telephone number or email. She used to be a friend of mine but has unfortunately suffered a series of psychological setbacks which I must protect myself from. She is past master in professing ignorance and victimhood. Please do not engage with her. Thank you very much." |
Anonymous
| You need to tell your friends and family to close ranks around you. |
Anonymous
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OP here - thanks for the replies thus far. I realize that without further context, it's hard to understand what I'm talking about. I'm not sure if I can succinctly explain it without going on & on, but here's my attempt at being brief -
By "it's been two years" I meant that I ended the friendship two years ago. For a year, she repeatedly reached out, and I did respond to some of it, trying to answer her remaining questions because I did want her to be able to feel closure and to understand what happened. But I can see with hindsight, that all the claims of ignorance and confusion were just ways to reject my boundaries and keep me engaged. It's like when some one asks "why" you believe what you believe. At first, it's genuine curiosity, but after the 5th time that you've explained yourself clearly, the why is a challenge, not a genuine desire to understand. When it was clear to me we had reached that point, I stopped answering the why's. That's when she first reached out to my husband, whom she barely knew, told him a variety of sad stories and pleaded with him to intercede on her behalf. At that point, I wrote her, saying exactly what I would need to see from her before considering being friends again. She took a year to respond to that, which was this past week. And this time she called my sister, who my friend hadn't otherwise spoken to for years, with a similar plea. Part of what started the whole tension in the first place was one time when she tricked my mom into divulging something I wasn't going to share yet. At this point, my former friend has directly requested or tricked half my family to give out info about me. I have asked and told her to stop, and she claims to not understand. I don't think she's lying when she says she doesn't get what's wrong with this scenario - I think she's seriously that disconnected from what's normal and healthy. I think she's just gone off the deep end, has a hard time letting go, and feels like she has nothing left to loose in this situation, so she's not listening to that little voice in your head that would otherwise tell you to keep it together. So I'm warning the rest of my family - already told my dad, who immediately used the word "stalking" which is how I've left, but haven't said it because that sounds so extreme. It's kind of a relief to hear some one else acknowledge how insane it's gotten. I've blocked her from everything I can. I guess if she ever just showed up here, I'd call the police, and until then, I can't do anything, right? |
Anonymous
| Sounds to me like she's done nothing wrong. You just don't like her anymore. |
Anonymous
Just because she won't go into explicit detail doesn't mean her former friend didn't do anything wrong. |
Anonymous
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You need to let this go.
Don't warn you friends/family. So she hears some news about you from someone else? So what? She know she gets under your skin still and you are expending way too much energy on continuing to prove to your this woman how right you are about your friendship situation. You were right, she was wrong. She will never ever admit it. Nothing you say or do will change that. |
Anonymous
If this was an ex boyfriend stalking the OP, would you be so cavalier about it? Harassment is stressful, scary, and draining. Just because this is a former friend rather than a former fling should have no effect on the seriousness of the response. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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After dealing with a stalker, I decided trying to protect my information was stressful, time consuming and pointless. When I stopped giving a f*ck, it was no longer a challenge and he moved on.
If you're not in danger, stop trying to halt information. It's out of your control and not worth your time and energy. |