Family Member Putting Us in Awkard Position

[Anonymous]

We have a relative who only works part time due to a disability. Her cat is sick and the vet says it needs $6000 surgery. Relative is now asking friends and family to pitch in for the surgery. Realistically, we could afford to fund a good portion of the surgery or even all of it, and she knows that. However, I can't really get on board with spending that kind of money on the cat. We have dogs and, I hate to say it, but we probably wouldn't spend $6000 on our dogs for similar surgery. I was thinking that we'd just give her $50 and move on but now she's hinting that she wants more from us. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

How much more does she want? What's your relationship? Sibling, aunt, second cousin?

[Anonymous]

Just say "no", OP. Its really that simple.

[Anonymous]

It took me years to justify spending less than that on my child's neuropsychological evaluation, for his school's special education program and possible medication needs.

So, not for the cat!

[Anonymous]

She doesn't say how much more she wants. Just talks about how she doesn't have enough. Asks whether we think it's ok for her to ask her friends for more, etc... Heavy, heavy hinting. She's my sister in law. My spouse says we should just ignore the hinting, but she's directing all of it at me. I don't know what to say! I've tried just listening and validating. "oh, that must be so hard" etc... but she keeps on going. It's also hard, because I'm kind of mortified that she's asking her friends for money for this.

[Anonymous]

Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Continue sympathetically acting clueless and she will get the message.

[Anonymous]

You are kind of a cold person.

[Anonymous]

How old is the cat? Would the surgery fix it's problems or is it the first step in continued treatment? I'm a dog person as well and for me it would all depend on how old our dog was and what the surgery was for. If our dog broke his leg when he was only 5 years old and surgery would help fix him then we would do everything we could do to get the money and have it done. If our dog was over 10 years old we may make another decision.

[Anonymous]

I actually think that giving her $50 for a $6000 surgery is more of a snub than giving nothing at all. If she asks you point blank, just tell her you're really sorry about her cat's illness but that you're not able to contribute to surgery. Do not provide more details.

[Anonymous]

I'm a crazy cat lady, but $6000 surgery gives me pause.

When faced with that option for our own cat, we realized that it wasn't about the money. We had a critically ill cat and the surgery wasn't a magic bullet that would fix everything. It would just fix the most pressing of several problems -- if it went according to plan. I loved my cat like I love my child and it was awful to realize we had come to the end of the road. It wasn't a decision based on finances, it was based upon the best outcome for our beloved cat.

So, unless this is truly a magic bullet surgery to restore a young cat to full health, I'm not sure I could give someone else money to do what I would not.

[Anonymous]

What is her family situation? If she is married and has a family, I wouldn't pay. If she is disabled and lives alone, I would pay for the surgery because the cat is more than just a cat: if she lives alone, the cat means more than just a cat would mean to you. I have a relative like this (a male adult cousin), and I would be so sad to think about him sitting alone in his little house after his dog died, knowing that we could have saved the dog and didn't.

[Anonymous]

No way. That money could be used for far more important charitable purposes - like your relatives end of life care.

[Anonymous]

Don't let your SIL guilt you. Sympathize but ignore. If you give her money for this, it will not stop. When in-laws start eyeing your money for their personal priorities, run!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her family situation? If she is married and has a family, I wouldn't pay. If she is disabled and lives alone, I would pay for the surgery because the cat is more than just a cat: if she lives alone, the cat means more than just a cat would mean to you. I have a relative like this (a male adult cousin), and I would be so sad to think about him sitting alone in his little house after his dog died, knowing that we could have saved the dog and didn't.

I agree with this, but it also kind of depends on what the cat's prognosis is.