Extended Family Vacation Question

[Anonymous]

I will try to be succinct. MIL and SIL are rude and plan activities together. They have plenty of vacations together, but there is also an extended family vacation for one week during the summer, where everyone is invited. DH likes to attend because (you guessed it) he is disregarded the rest of the year. They live less than twenty minutes from us, and are not really involved with the children, etc. - but they are/were with each other. So ideally, they would suck it up and include DH in their activities during the vacation they invited him on.

I don't usually attend, because I don't feel that welcome (we don't fight, we just don't have anything in common, and they don't bother talking to anyone outside of the birth family). DH won't speak up, but I was thinking of asking them ahead of time to include our family as part of their own. They actually don't even tell DH where they are sitting on the beach, they just take his beach umbrella and take off for the day. DH is minding our children (since I don't attend, and they don't bother with anyone but themselves). The beach is on a busy highway, and I worry every year, because I saw a family member almost get killed by a 60 mph truck (no exaggeration, it happened right in front of me and a bunch of people trying to cross the highway). I also worry about the beach they go to, but that is another story. DH will go, and I don't want to spend my time try to dissuade him - he is going. What I want to do is try to have them take part. Is this hopeless? They are the type of family where it is all about them (weddings, funerals, what have you) - and I just wan tot make it a simple request that they can not try to turn around. They really like to do that! I guess some responses here could be spun against me, too. But instead, is there anything I can do to make this a more enjoyable experience? I feel strongly about my children not feeling left out, as they get older. Another issues is that we have so little vacation time, seemingly less and less every year, so I want it to be a positive experience; not an "a-hole contest". Thank you for any constructive insight. I dread this for them every year, but I really do not want them to know that.

[Anonymous]

Your DH seems quite passive. If he doesn't like his family dynamic, HE needs to be more proactive. Does he volunteer ideas for activities for everyone to enjoy: hey, Kids & I are headed to mini golf/hunt for seashells/go snorkeling - wanna join us? Or does he sit around wondering why he's not invited to anything? If you're not going, it is a little odd for you to jump in to try & fix this on DH's behalf. At most, I would send a note to say your kids would like some quality time w/ grandma or aunt & list some ideas for activities you know they'd enjoy: I'll be stuck at work that week, but I'd love to treat you & the kids to ice cream/bowling/whatever.

Also, you haven't said how old your kids are and how old your nieces/nephews are. If SIL doesn't have kids or her kids are much older/younger, maybe MiL/SIL are doing things that aren't age appropriate for your kids (spa/ mani-pedi/ etc).

[Anonymous]

If SIL and mil are so bad, why do you even want your kids hanging with them more?!
You want to tell them to include your family, when you yourself aren't even bothering to go?
I feel sorry for your DH, with all the women in his life abandoning him.

[Anonymous]

I think you think way too much about something you're not involved in. Your husband is an adult. If the way his family treats him bothers him enough he will say something. Presumably he is capable of taking two children across a busy street.

To be honest, I can't really figure out what your problem is. It seems like you're trying to create drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH seems quite passive. If he doesn't like his family dynamic, HE needs to be more proactive. Does he volunteer ideas for activities for everyone to enjoy: hey, Kids & I are headed to mini golf/hunt for seashells/go snorkeling - wanna join us? Or does he sit around wondering why he's not invited to anything? If you're not going, it is a little odd for you to jump in to try & fix this on DH's behalf. At most, I would send a note to say your kids would like some quality time w/ grandma or aunt & list some ideas for activities you know they'd enjoy: I'll be stuck at work that week, but I'd love to treat you & the kids to ice cream/bowling/whatever.

Also, you haven't said how old your kids are and how old your nieces/nephews are. If SIL doesn't have kids or her kids are much older/younger, maybe MiL/SIL are doing things that aren't age appropriate for your kids (spa/ mani-pedi/ etc).

OP here. I am considering doing this before the trip, naming specific activities that the family does without DH, that I know he is hurt by. Also, I know the older cousins are available to watch the younger children, though DC are just about old enough to be by themselves. It is that street I worry about. I do not know why DH does not say something, perhaps he is afraid of them, which is difficult for someone like me to understand. I was taught to stand up for myself and those I love; I suppose that is why I am stepping in here. I think DH's family is perhaps not that nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you think way too much about something you're not involved in. Your husband is an adult. If the way his family treats him bothers him enough he will say something. Presumably he is capable of taking two children across a busy street.

To be honest, I can't really figure out what your problem is. It seems like you're trying to create drama.

OP here. I don't think my concern about crossing a documented highway en route to the beach is "drama". If you have never seen anyone hit by a car, you should be more grateful. Perhaps you have never had loss in your life, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you think way too much about something you're not involved in. Your husband is an adult. If the way his family treats him bothers him enough he will say something. Presumably he is capable of taking two children across a busy street.

To be honest, I can't really figure out what your problem is. It seems like you're trying to create drama.

OP here. I don't think my concern about crossing a documented highway en route to the beach is "drama". If you have never seen anyone hit by a car, you should be more grateful. Perhaps you have never had loss in your life, PP.

I've had tons of loss in my life. But I know how to cross a street, and when it's the time and place to take risks. Presumably, your husband does also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL and mil are so bad, why do you even want your kids hanging with them more?!
You want to tell them to include your family, when you yourself aren't even bothering to go?
I feel sorry for your DH, with all the women in his life abandoning him.

OP here. This is an interesting point! I am not a therapist, but the women in his life before me are entitled and abusive. I try to stay away from them, and really wish that DH would do the same. But I can not tell him what to do. My concern stems mostly from our DC seeing him treated this way by his birth family; especially since we are a more considerate, involved, warm, inclusive and fun family ourselves (our nuclear family). He sees it when we are with my family - they are much more alive, and enjoy life to its fullest, including the people in it. It would not occur to my family to act like his family does.

While he wishes I would take part, he is acutely aware that I do not accept how they treat me or him, nor should I.

What would you suggest, given a few more facts here, and your strong opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you think way too much about something you're not involved in. Your husband is an adult. If the way his family treats him bothers him enough he will say something. Presumably he is capable of taking two children across a busy street.

To be honest, I can't really figure out what your problem is. It seems like you're trying to create drama.

OP here. I don't think my concern about crossing a documented highway en route to the beach is "drama". If you have never seen anyone hit by a car, you should be more grateful. Perhaps you have never had loss in your life, PP.

I've had tons of loss in my life. But I know how to cross a street, and when it's the time and place to take risks. Presumably, your husband does also.

Do your children? Have you seen anyone get killed by a car? Did it affect you at all? Or would you just shrug your shoulders and be on your under or over medicated way?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd go so that your husband isn't saddled with the kids alone. And then if his mom and sister go off on their own, you and your husband can plan something fun with your kids.

I'd also not get involved in their dynamics--if your husband feels left out, then he's the only one who can step up and change things. But if you want to be magnanimous, then your DH can invite them to join your nuclear family on outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd go so that your husband isn't saddled with the kids alone. And then if his mom and sister go off on their own, you and your husband can plan something fun with your kids.

I'd also not get involved in their dynamics--if your husband feels left out, then he's the only one who can step up and change things. But if you want to be magnanimous, then your DH can invite them to join your nuclear family on outings.

OP here. Thanks for the constructive feedback! I have been more years than not, and I just can't make it this year. It is kind of taxing, emotionally - and I have other things I could be doing. It is difficult and stressful to go. DH isn't crazy about it, but he goes to make his elderly parents happy. They are not very nice people, however. I guess you could say the IL's are kind of (very) angry. If you ask me, they don't even like each other. It is hard to explain. Whomever is most nasty tends to hang out with each other. I never understood it, myself. Their behavior is not something that has come with age, they have always been this way. They are really, really into excluding DH. Oddly, the IL's do not seem to do this to anyone else. I find that when DH does attend - he appreciates me hundredfold when he comes back home. No wonder!

Our families are very different, and honestly, I don't know why they invite us at all. Maybe to say they invited us? I just find their attitude really crappy; and now I come across that way for pointing it out. I noticed no one really calls them on their shenanigans. As if to say (even though I have been in the family many years) - "you are the recent addition, you have no right to point out how crazy and dysfunctional we are; and we are not going to be the ones to admit our foibles".

I get it, everyone has a dysfunctional family. But these people make my family look outstandingly great (which says a lot). Maybe it is because we have a family that is able to laugh at ourselves and share our shortcomings, as well as our joys. We don't tend to do things for appearance sake. You get what you get with us. But inviting someone somewhere, then being nasty to each other, or leaving someone out - that is *not* what we do.

[Anonymous]

OP, since you won't go yourself, and DH won't back out this year, I would work with him to find activities at the destination that HE plans for himself and the kids. Research it in advance. And he turns up at the beach with firm plans that on Tuesday they will go to this particular mini-golf followed by lunch at X and then the beach (wherever; don't worry about sitting with family), and on Wednesday, beach early, then he and the kids will go to lunch at Y and see a particular movie that you already got tickets for online... and so on. If he goes on these vacations and just expects that the kids will be on the beach and at the house, and then he is disappointed that none of the other adults pay attention to him and his kids-- this year he could treat this entire vacation as "this is my hotel for so many days and I come and go as I please with my kids." Fill up time with activities and outings for him and the kids, and the kids will have a better time and less time to notice that grandma and aunt pay little attention to them. If MIL and SIL carp that "You're always running off with the kids and aren't with us," he can smile a huge smile and say, "We'll see you at dinner and the kids can tell you all about it!"

Your DH does, as someone else noted, sound a bit passive. It seems as if he feels obliged to do this vacation. I would wager the relatives are people who, though they ignore him while he's around, would also hold it against him if he didn't come each and every time. It's really time to break that pattern if your family has limited vacation time. I'm a strong believer that nuclear-family vacations-- parents and kids -- should get priority over these kinds of extended-family vacations IF the latter become an obligation and a strain. Maybe start working on your husband as soon as this vacation is done, to move him toward the idea of you, him and the kids doing a just-us vacation next year to somewhere totally new and different. He can just tell the family, "We're saving to go to X next year so don't include me in planning for the famiily beach vacation because we can't do that." If they grumpily insist that they'll move the vacation so he can come (and so they can make him feel guilty about their moving it), he should still say, "Don't move anything, and don't expect that I'll come back later to say we'll be at the family beach holiday -- the trip to X with just Spouse and Kids is our only big vacation this year."

I'd focus on this future plan and not on wording some statement to try to make MIL and SIL include DH and kids more this year. They will not change anything; you won't be physically present yourself to call them out on it if they ignore DH and kids; and they will turn it around on you and say you're making drama and exaggerating. Expend your energy on working with DH to change HIS perspective on being obliged to do these vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you think way too much about something you're not involved in. Your husband is an adult. If the way his family treats him bothers him enough he will say something. Presumably he is capable of taking two children across a busy street.

To be honest, I can't really figure out what your problem is. It seems like you're trying to create drama.

OP here. I don't think my concern about crossing a documented highway en route to the beach is "drama". If you have never seen anyone hit by a car, you should be more grateful. Perhaps you have never had loss in your life, PP.

I think you need to suck it up and go if you're worried about safety.

[Anonymous]

Agreed you need to go on the vacation or have your nuclear family go somewhere else. If your DH isn't getting help from his relatives you may need to step up and endure the vacation.

[Anonymous]

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