Angry husband won't go to anger management unless I do it too

[Anonymous]

I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go to. Perhaps go together. Then reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

It's another way of dodging responsibility. He's telling you that he doesn't really have a problem: you do.

What do you think about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's another way of dodging responsibility. He's telling you that he doesn't really have a problem: you do.

What do you think about that?

I agree with you, and that's why it bothers me. It's like he's gaslighting me and making it like I'm the angry one. It's ok to be angry but he needs tools to express it in a nonviolent way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go to. Perhaps go together. Then reevaluate.

Yes to get him to go, it seems like I will have to go too. I'm just dismayed he's putting the blame on me. He says I'm the one that makes him angry or my anger caused him to be angry and lash out. I don't buy into what he's saying but we obviously see reality very differently.

[Anonymous]

So go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go to. Perhaps go together. Then reevaluate.

Yes to get him to go, it seems like I will have to go too. I'm just dismayed he's putting the blame on me. He says I'm the one that makes him angry or my anger caused him to be angry and lash out. I don't buy into what he's saying but we obviously see reality very differently.

Based on this, I think it's fair to say he's outright abusive. I was married to a man like this. Unless there's a total personality overhaul on his part, I have to say I don't think things bode well for you. So sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's another way of dodging responsibility. He's telling you that he doesn't really have a problem: you do.

What do you think about that?

I agree with you, and that's why it bothers me. It's like he's gaslighting me and making it like I'm the angry one. It's ok to be angry but he needs tools to express it in a nonviolent way.

I don't think you'll get very far with him seeing someone for anger management. I don't think you need it.

He doesn't see he has a problem.

If you see someone together, if you let him push your buttons or if you get at all emotional or excited with a raised voice, he'll say "see, she can't keep it together. I had to do xyz to keep her from losing it."

If you can totally stay cool, unemotional, non confrontational under provocation, maybe a professional could help sort this out. Abusers are notoriously difficult to treat.

[Anonymous]

I understand you are upset by his request. However, I would strongly encourage you to go and use it to your advantage. First off, if your instructor sees you interact and sees your husband's anger in action, the instructor may be able to provide an objective analysis of your dynamic as a couple. Secondly, you will learn language and techniques that he is learning, so you will be able to coach him if he starts getting angry at you-and if that just makes him more angry, that's a sign that it's time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Why not go and see how it goes? what could happen?

1) He tries to gaslight you the whole time.
2) You may have a problem YOU don't want to admit.
3) He makes progress.
4) You guys keep arguing.

[Anonymous]

And please whatever you do - don't get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are upset by his request. However, I would strongly encourage you to go and use it to your advantage. First off, if your instructor sees you interact and sees your husband's anger in action, the instructor may be able to provide an objective analysis of your dynamic as a couple. Secondly, you will learn language and techniques that he is learning, so you will be able to coach him if he starts getting angry at you-and if that just makes him more angry, that's a sign that it's time to leave.

My husband is a great actor (he's a trial attorney) but I will go keep level headed and calm as you and others have suggested. And maybe he will "reveal" himself to the counselor. This makes me sort of sad like we're playing all sorts of mind games on each other but maybe this is a good way to save our marriage. And frankly if it goes on or gets worse, I don't even want to save it, I just want out.

[Anonymous]

Blocking your exit = False Imprisonment. Period.

I would just leave the marriage. I highly doubt Anger Management classes will change your husband. It didn't do a thing for Chris Brown.

I think your husband is telling you he will go to the classes if you do as well because he knows you won't, why should you...??!

He sounds like a clueless and selfish jerk to me. I wouldn't want to save this union. He doesn't seem worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And please whatever you do - don't get pregnant.

I won't -- no way will I bring an innocent kid into this mess.

[Anonymous]

What's keeping you in the marriage now?