Angry husband won't go to anger management unless I do it too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

I would have happily agreed - all smiles and told him "great idea! I will do that". Go with him to the appointment, get to the waiting room, and bail as soon as the therapist calls you back - "oh, you know what? I just realized, I don't really need anger management. How silly of me! But you do. Have a good session." then walk out and got get Starbucks. Of course he will get angry while protesting how he doesn't need anger management which of course will prove the point of him needing anger management....

[Anonymous]

Divorce him, but have an exit plan if he's abusive. Life is short and love and marriage should not be THIS hard!

No kids - keep it that way!!

I'm guessing he has broken you down psychologically. Know you are stronger and more capable than you think. You are also lovable, worthy, and deserving.

Leave him and you will heal, meet new people, rediscover yourself, and be a healthier and happier woman.

A good book to read, available through the fairfax libraries is "Why Does He Do That?" - about abusive men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's keeping you in the marriage now?

We love each other a lot; I love my in-laws; my family really loves him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

I would have happily agreed - all smiles and told him "great idea! I will do that". Go with him to the appointment, get to the waiting room, and bail as soon as the therapist calls you back - "oh, you know what? I just realized, I don't really need anger management. How silly of me! But you do. Have a good session." then walk out and got get Starbucks. Of course he will get angry while protesting how he doesn't need anger management which of course will prove the point of him needing anger management....

This is super passive-aggressive. Don't do this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

I would have happily agreed - all smiles and told him "great idea! I will do that". Go with him to the appointment, get to the waiting room, and bail as soon as the therapist calls you back - "oh, you know what? I just realized, I don't really need anger management. How silly of me! But you do. Have a good session." then walk out and got get Starbucks. Of course he will get angry while protesting how he doesn't need anger management which of course will prove the point of him needing anger management....

This is super passive-aggressive. Don't do this OP.

So funny...I won't actually do this, but it's a nice fantasy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

I would have happily agreed - all smiles and told him "great idea! I will do that". Go with him to the appointment, get to the waiting room, and bail as soon as the therapist calls you back - "oh, you know what? I just realized, I don't really need anger management. How silly of me! But you do. Have a good session." then walk out and got get Starbucks. Of course he will get angry while protesting how he doesn't need anger management which of course will prove the point of him needing anger management....

And then the therapist thinks OP is the one with the problem and DH spends the hour telling the therapist what a horrible wife OP is and of course he can't help but get a little upset at how unreasonable OP is ...

[Anonymous]

If you don't have kids then I would leave.

[Anonymous]

Leave.

My sister left her abusive DH. He is now seeing a therapist for "anger management," but it isn't doing much to help him because he is a narcissist. Is your DH one? That demand that you need anger management therapy, too, seems to indicate an inability to acknowledge his own faults. Plus, frankly, many lawyers are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband with abusive tendencies (threats and blocking my exit) in order for us to work on our marriage he must go to anger management classes. He's turned the tables on me and says I need it too. Should I go to anger management to get him to go too? I don't want a divorce but won't tolerate abuse. We don't have kids.

Absolutely!! It'll teach you both what "fighting fair" looks like and could function as a therapeutic path to addressing your marital issues. What's holding you back?

Conflict requires you both to participate. Why not learn (with him, alongside him) how to dismantle an abusive dynamic? I think it's a strong step, one you should take together. And, I'd say the same thing if you'd asked about anxiety or depression. Learning to support one another and work as a team is a pretty amazing thing to do---especially now, while you don't have kids. I see it as an opportunity.

Share with us what you learn. I'll be keeping an eye out for your new thread!

[Anonymous]

I'd go. Imagine this:

"Alcoholic husband won't quit drinking and go to AA unless I do, too."

Of course you should also quit drinking and go with him to AA. If you aren't an alcoholic why should you care about having to stop drinking or going to AA?

[Anonymous]

You don't need anger management classes. And, as others have said, he needs MORE than anger management classes. So where does that leave you?

Marriage counseling. You should both go, together. One of the first things you two can discuss together is your feelings that he is borderline (?) abusive and/or you are deeply concerned about his inability to manage his anger. And that he's not taking any steps on his own to improve these things. This will be eye-opening for both of you. He will either "get it" and take whatever additional steps he needs to take to work on the situation, or he won't. And you will get much-needed clarification of what is bothering you and will be given a safe space to say what you need. And if you don't get it, you will know you did all you could before walking away.

[Anonymous]

DTMF.

[Anonymous]

What the hell?

NO. If he's doing this now, before kids, get out while you still can. Preferably before you get pregnant (accidentally or not) and get saddled to this loser for life.

[Anonymous]

He's sneaky and manipulative on top of that.

My ex was like this. We got into counseling and because men are usually the reluctant party, all the counselor did was "poor baby" him when I had photos of the bruises that he left when grabbing me. It was totally useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's sneaky and manipulative on top of that.

My ex was like this. We got into counseling and because men are usually the reluctant party, all the counselor did was "poor baby" him when I had photos of the bruises that he left when grabbing me. It was totally useless.

When I went to marriage counseling with an ex that had threatened me, he told me "He didn't mean it, that's the testosterone talking". I was angry in the moment but the more I thought about the more I realized how TOTALLY nutso he was- and he cost $500 an hour!

I dumped the BF and dumped the counselor too. There's a lot of idiotic counselors out there.