Shopping with mom

[Anonymous]

I went shopping with my mom this weekend. She doesn't get out much. It was so much fun! Here is a sample of her delightful conversation with me:

Mom: "Wow you really need to work on that stomach area you have going on here. Are there some exercises you can do or something?"

5 minutes later

Mom: "Oh, look at these lovely dresses! I think they're designed to be flattering for skinny people, though, so let's move on."

5 minutes later

Mom: "Your friend Kate (who we saw earlier that morning) still has a big tummy from that baby (that she had a month ago). She used to be so thin! The fat after the second baby must be awfully hard to lose!" (I'm an only, and I had DS2 18 mo ago)

5 minutes later

Mom: "A size 8? Really? Can we please be realistic here? Are you living in some sort of fantasy land?"

5 minutes later

Mom: "I like this store (Talbots). See, the fabrics are nice and thick and everything is lined. Helps hide the little rolls of fat."

5 minutes later

Mom: "A size 10? Really? Well, I like that you have some ambition."

And so on and so forth. Really, it was a delightful afternoon.

[Anonymous]

"Wow you really need to work on that stomach area you have going on here. Are there some exercises you can do or something?"

"No Mom. You get what you get, and you don't get upset." ))))

[Anonymous]

She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I have my days. That day I just managed to refuse to give her any real reaction. My mother is the type of person who says something that she knows is hurtful/bothersome, and then if you don't react, she decides to relentlessly repeat herself until you do give her a reaction. I've asked her about it, and she says she can't help it. I think it's subconscious, like she's thinking "Hey. I called her fat. She must not have heard me! She might not know that she's fat! How will she ever lose weight if she doesn't know that she's fat? I have to try again!" On the other hand, at one point she said something, and I gave her a look, and she collapsed into mischievous, mean girl giggles. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I have my days. That day I just managed to refuse to give her any real reaction. My mother is the type of person who says something that she knows is hurtful/bothersome, and then if you don't react, she decides to relentlessly repeat herself until you do give her a reaction. I've asked her about it, and she says she can't help it. I think it's subconscious, like she's thinking "Hey. I called her fat. She must not have heard me! She might not know that she's fat! How will she ever lose weight if she doesn't know that she's fat? I have to try again!" On the other hand, at one point she said something, and I gave her a look, and she collapsed into mischievous, mean girl giggles. So there's that.

Just curious, OP: Have you ever tried what my friends in England would call the "short, sharp shock"? Just turned on her suddenly and said, "I AM counting, and that is the fifth time you've said the word 'fat' to me today, either about me, an article of clothing, or another person. So mom, are you saying I am fat? Yes or no. Go."
Said not in anger but calmly and very firmly. And you look at her expectantly and don't speak another word until she answers. She will squirm.

I've seen it shut down a relative of mine who was a lot like your mom. Didn't change that person's snarkiness or digs permanently, no! But it shut that person down for the day at least. Of course the shutdown can come along with some "Well, I'm sooo sorry" huffiness, but then you just change the topic. Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I have my days. That day I just managed to refuse to give her any real reaction. My mother is the type of person who says something that she knows is hurtful/bothersome, and then if you don't react, she decides to relentlessly repeat herself until you do give her a reaction. I've asked her about it, and she says she can't help it. I think it's subconscious, like she's thinking "Hey. I called her fat. She must not have heard me! She might not know that she's fat! How will she ever lose weight if she doesn't know that she's fat? I have to try again!" On the other hand, at one point she said something, and I gave her a look, and she collapsed into mischievous, mean girl giggles. So there's that.

Just curious, OP: Have you ever tried what my friends in England would call the "short, sharp shock"? Just turned on her suddenly and said, "I AM counting, and that is the fifth time you've said the word 'fat' to me today, either about me, an article of clothing, or another person. So mom, are you saying I am fat? Yes or no. Go."
Said not in anger but calmly and very firmly. And you look at her expectantly and don't speak another word until she answers. She will squirm.

I've seen it shut down a relative of mine who was a lot like your mom. Didn't change that person's snarkiness or digs permanently, no! But it shut that person down for the day at least. Of course the shutdown can come along with some "Well, I'm sooo sorry" huffiness, but then you just change the topic. Every. Single. Time.

Unless your mom say "geez, you're so sensitive, not everything is about you" or some other deflecting nonsense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

Sorry for your loss. However, it is not realistic to expect people to honor an undeserving loved one who constantly makes rude, insensitive remarks. The OP has a mom who does not make shopping delightful.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this through all my teens years and beyond. But if she knew I started a new diet or exercise routine, she'd bake chocolate chip cookies and bring them over while they're still warm. I learnt to keep 1 or 2 cookies for each of my children and send the rest back! In the same meal, she'd criticize me and then load my plate with a second helping and act hurt that I didn't want it.

[Anonymous]

Parents when speaking to adult independent children, should not say anything they would not say to a friend. No advice unless asked.

They should never feel it's appropriate to make rude comments. They wouldn't do that to a friend - or they would lose the friend. They should view adult children as peers, with the same respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

You're probably a better daughter who lost the baby weight quickly enough that shopping was pleasant with your mom. You probably also showed your mom you loved her by having skinny friends. Good job pp.

Seriously OP, my mom is similar. Not so much on the weight issue, but everyhing else. And sometimes weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

Posts like this are really not helpful. No one is "thankful" for a badgering, harassing parent. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

Posts like this are really not helpful. No one is "thankful" for a badgering, harassing parent. Get real.

But there is a post like this every time someone posts a complaint about a relative. Every time. Seems like quite a coincidence, huh?

Or maybe just lazy-ass, formulaic trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I have my days. That day I just managed to refuse to give her any real reaction. My mother is the type of person who says something that she knows is hurtful/bothersome, and then if you don't react, she decides to relentlessly repeat herself until you do give her a reaction. I've asked her about it, and she says she can't help it. I think it's subconscious, like she's thinking "Hey. I called her fat. She must not have heard me! She might not know that she's fat! How will she ever lose weight if she doesn't know that she's fat? I have to try again!" On the other hand, at one point she said something, and I gave her a look, and she collapsed into mischievous, mean girl giggles. So there's that.

Just curious, OP: Have you ever tried what my friends in England would call the "short, sharp shock"? Just turned on her suddenly and said, "I AM counting, and that is the fifth time you've said the word 'fat' to me today, either about me, an article of clothing, or another person. So mom, are you saying I am fat? Yes or no. Go."
Said not in anger but calmly and very firmly. And you look at her expectantly and don't speak another word until she answers. She will squirm.

I've seen it shut down a relative of mine who was a lot like your mom. Didn't change that person's snarkiness or digs permanently, no! But it shut that person down for the day at least. Of course the shutdown can come along with some "Well, I'm sooo sorry" huffiness, but then you just change the topic. Every. Single. Time.

OP here. Oh no that absolutely would not work, at least not on this particular person. She would say "Yes, you ARE fat! Now, let's talk about how we're going to deal with this," and I'd just get to hear about it MORE. It would actually energize her a bit (I speak from experience). And like another pp mentioned, she is the type to bake cookies while you are trying to lose weight (because if you are no longer fat, what is she going to talk with you about?). And she's not actually outright saying "You're fat" but dancing around it- the clothes are for skinny people, my friend has baby weight too, etc. She would get faux-hurt and say "I can't talk about anything I want to talk about, can I? You just get upset with everything I say." So I just ignore, ignore, ignore. There's more than this. For example, if I have a relative she realizes I don't like, she'll decide to talk about that person incessantly- what's going on in their life, where their next vacation is, what their DH is up to, any tidbit of information she can. If she realizes I'm having some anxiety about anything, like money, she will become a financial expert extraordinaire. Any frustration you show her just gives her more energy- like a happiness vampire.

On the plus side, people at work are amazed at my breezy, teflon attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

My mom died four years ago, and she was my best friend, and I miss her every day, and if she said anything like OP's mom did our relationship would have suffered.

Please don't use your dead mom card so frivolously. I understand you're in pain, but comments like this don't help anyone and make the bereaved look petty.