Shopping with mom

[Anonymous]

One question: why do you still spend time with her? I'm asking earnestly, not to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One question: why do you still spend time with her? I'm asking earnestly, not to be snarky.

Because she's my mom, and if I didn't, no one else would. Oh, wait, except her sister, who she also treats crappy. I think she has some sort of personality disorder? And I don't think she'd learn to be nicer if I rejected her, either. She'd just feel more persecuted than she already does.

[Anonymous]

Can you make any snarky comments back at her?

"Oh Mother, no, I read that old women aren't supposed to be wearing red anymore. It makes their gray hair stand out more."

Etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this could be my mom. I'll see her next at her funeral.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this could be my mom. I'll see her next at her funeral.

[Anonymous]

And your mom will probably wonder why you don't want to hang out with her more...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you make any snarky comments back at her?

"Oh Mother, no, I read that old women aren't supposed to be wearing red anymore. It makes their gray hair stand out more."

Etc etc.

NP here. I've been planning to do this. Next time my mom says something negative about My appearance, I'm going to say "yeah, well, I don't like your outfit either. Oh well. " I used to think if this as a daring and snappy comeback, too scared to use it. Only recently I realize what the hell? Seems like a reasonable thing to say to somebody who constantly criticizes me about my looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

My mom died four years ago, and she was my best friend, and I miss her every day, and if she said anything like OP's mom did our relationship would have suffered.

Please don't use your dead mom card so frivolously. I understand you're in pain, but comments like this don't help anyone and make the bereaved look petty.

I 100% agree. My mum passed Christmas of 2008 and she wasn't a bitch but if she were I wouldn't wish her back alive to verbally abuse me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One question: why do you still spend time with her? I'm asking earnestly, not to be snarky.

Because she's my mom, and if I didn't, no one else would. Oh, wait, except her sister, who she also treats crappy. I think she has some sort of personality disorder? And I don't think she'd learn to be nicer if I rejected her, either. She'd just feel more persecuted than she already does.

Well not seeing her wouldn't be about teaching her a lesson on how to be nice. It'd be an act of self-care. You are allowed to say that you won't tolerate people being mean to you and you are allowed to stop spending time with people who are mean to you.

If she's still able to bother you with these comments, it might be wise to look after yourself and limit contact. Or you can continue to attempt to have nerves of steel around her. But from what you wrote you really are letting her make you feel bad.

I'm sorry your mother is so mean to you OP. It's not right or fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One question: why do you still spend time with her? I'm asking earnestly, not to be snarky.

Because she's my mom, and if I didn't, no one else would. Oh, wait, except her sister, who she also treats crappy. I think she has some sort of personality disorder? And I don't think she'd learn to be nicer if I rejected her, either. She'd just feel more persecuted than she already does.

Well not seeing her wouldn't be about teaching her a lesson on how to be nice. It'd be an act of self-care. You are allowed to say that you won't tolerate people being mean to you and you are allowed to stop spending time with people who are mean to you.

If she's still able to bother you with these comments, it might be wise to look after yourself and limit contact. Or you can continue to attempt to have nerves of steel around her. But from what you wrote you really are letting her make you feel bad.

I'm sorry your mother is so mean to you OP. It's not right or fair.

These are good points, and I've considered cutting her off before. But that's a really lose-lose way of thinking about it. She's old and mean, but that doesn't mean that the things she says really needs to have a larger impact on my life. I just move on, make a joke of it, and I've ended up being really resilient and easygoing in other contexts. And she's had such a sad, horrible life, that having her only child give up on her would be such a pathetic capper to it. I think she has some form of mental illness which contributes to her meanness (you should see how she treats DH!), so I try to act accordingly. Of course no one deserves to be treated badly, but life's not always ideal I guess.

[Anonymous]

These people cannot be stopped. I told my mother, who had spent the previous years making comments about other people's weight and the general sin of fatness and finally came out with the helpful information that I had gained weight, "I don't want to talk to you about my weight."

And she said, "I know that," and proceeded to talk about my weight.

Two suggestions: Tell her, when she starts up, "I don't enjoy talking about this or even listening to you talk about it. Please stop." She won't stop. Tell her you need a break and will be back on 30 minutes. Go get coffee.

When you're in a situation where escape is not possible, whip out your phone and ask her to repeat herself. Take video. Post it to YouTube. Maybe you can monetize your mother's jackassery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

Maybe OP could lend out her delightful mom

[Anonymous]

Op, you are a better person than I. I'm amazed and impressed by your healthy attitude, I could never quite learn to just let it roll off my back, but I'm trying my best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that you have a mom to shop with.
My mom died 3 years ago and I would love to be able to take her out shopping again.
I miss her, her silly comments, and her crazy requests.

Maybe OP could lend out her delightful mom

"My toilets are all backing up and there's some problem with the septic field. Also, the home inspector missed that half the wiring is knob and tube. And our neighbors are evidently operating some sort of dogfighting ring in their basement."

"Gee, I wish I could afford to buy a house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is lucky that you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I have my days. That day I just managed to refuse to give her any real reaction. My mother is the type of person who says something that she knows is hurtful/bothersome, and then if you don't react, she decides to relentlessly repeat herself until you do give her a reaction. I've asked her about it, and she says she can't help it. I think it's subconscious, like she's thinking "Hey. I called her fat. She must not have heard me! She might not know that she's fat! How will she ever lose weight if she doesn't know that she's fat? I have to try again!" On the other hand, at one point she said something, and I gave her a look, and she collapsed into mischievous, mean girl giggles. So there's that.

Just curious, OP: Have you ever tried what my friends in England would call the "short, sharp shock"? Just turned on her suddenly and said, "I AM counting, and that is the fifth time you've said the word 'fat' to me today, either about me, an article of clothing, or another person. So mom, are you saying I am fat? Yes or no. Go."
Said not in anger but calmly and very firmly. And you look at her expectantly and don't speak another word until she answers. She will squirm.

I've seen it shut down a relative of mine who was a lot like your mom. Didn't change that person's snarkiness or digs permanently, no! But it shut that person down for the day at least. Of course the shutdown can come along with some "Well, I'm sooo sorry" huffiness, but then you just change the topic. Every. Single. Time.

OP here. Oh no that absolutely would not work, at least not on this particular person. She would say "Yes, you ARE fat! Now, let's talk about how we're going to deal with this," and I'd just get to hear about it MORE. It would actually energize her a bit (I speak from experience). And like another pp mentioned, she is the type to bake cookies while you are trying to lose weight (because if you are no longer fat, what is she going to talk with you about?). And she's not actually outright saying "You're fat" but dancing around it- the clothes are for skinny people, my friend has baby weight too, etc. She would get faux-hurt and say "I can't talk about anything I want to talk about, can I? You just get upset with everything I say." So I just ignore, ignore, ignore. There's more than this. For example, if I have a relative she realizes I don't like, she'll decide to talk about that person incessantly- what's going on in their life, where their next vacation is, what their DH is up to, any tidbit of information she can. If she realizes I'm having some anxiety about anything, like money, she will become a financial expert extraordinaire. Any frustration you show her just gives her more energy- like a happiness vampire.

On the plus side, people at work are amazed at my breezy, teflon attitude.

I admire you for letting her hurtful comments roll off your back. It's hard having a critical parent like this. our attitude is inspirational!

Tell her you're planning to have liposuction with your inheritance!