When to stop chasing a woman?

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I get that women liked to be pursued. But the one I am currently dating seems to take it to the max. And I am about to the point of backing off. We have great dates. Fun, non-stop conversation, and plenty of physical affection. From the beginning, I have been very assertive. Called her instead of texting. Set up all the dates with firm plans. I've made it very clear that I am going after what I want. But after dates, I am always the first one to text (the next day) saying how I had a good time, blah, blah. She faithfully responds back saying she had fun. And then silence until we start planning the next date. In the past, not only has the woman sent the initial text or e-mail after a date, but then also have some sort of contact in between dates. A simple checking in, or maybe passing along a link related to something we had talked about. A message saying how she is looking forward to seeing me again. But with this one, nothing.

Normally I would have assumed by now that that she was just uninterested and I would've moved on. But because our dates are great and fun, I have continued. But I am considering cancelling our date for this weekend just to regain some kind of upper hand here. At some point the guy does need some sort of validation from the girl that the chase is worth it. I did this one other time. Suggested we do something the next weekend but I never set anything up. And come Friday evening, here came a text asking if we were still getting together that weekend. And that's all the validation I needed to know she was interested. I hate playing games like this (especially at my age), but I am fighting fire with fire. I am not going to be played the fool by keep chasing her with no end. For all I know I could be shelling out money for these dates while she is screwing other guys later than night.

My guess is that she is likely dating other people. I met her on an online dating site, and I am well aware that women get multiple guys contacting them every day. With that kind of volume, there is always something better around the corner, so why not wait things out, play the field, and enjoy all of these guys chasing me.

So anyway, I am going to cancel this weekend's plans to regain the upper hand and I have no doubt this will get her wondering. Start seeing other people and put her way on the back burner. I just refuse to be a pawn and be played the fool. It's just so confusing because our dates are great and we have great chemistry.

Give me advice. How long does the guy have to chase the girl before the girl starts to reciprocate a bit? Initiate contact, suggest dates, etc. I have never had to go to these lengths before.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been dating? Have you ever discussed dating other people, or what the two of you are doing together?

Maybe she's protecting herself and assumes you are dating other people. Maybe she's afraid of coming off as desperate and is, instead, being coy. Who knows? She may, as you suggest, be dating other men. Eventually, one will be more attractive than the others. Until you are exclusive, you both should assume the other is still dating.

If you have chemistry and want to date her, personally I think you do things to show that. If she doesn't reciprocate by whatever time it seems to make sense to you, then you cut ties. Since you are playing games, maybe you are not that sneaky and she's on to you. Really, you are the only one that can speculate.

[Anonymous]

I would not cancel the date and start playing games. Why not just talk with her and tell her what you have noticed, and see what she thinks of your dating so far? Maybe she has been badly burned in the past and wants to know that you are very interested in her before she will risk letting her guard down. Playing games like canceling will only give her more reason not to trust you. Maybe she assumes that an attractive guy like you who is dating online is meeting lots of attractive women!

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I tend to wait for the guy to contact me. It's not because I like to feel pursued, it's just my communication style and sometimes I'm just forgetful - out of sight out of mind.

I think you should just talk to her about it. I know that if a guy ever brought that up to me I'd be happy to initiate more contact. I'd hate for someone to start playing games with me though, that wouldn't go over well.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few questions to provide context:

How old are you and how old is she?
Assuming neither of you has been married before?
How long have you been seeing her?

I'm assuming from your post that you have some dating/ relationship history but may be looking for something more permanent now? Do you know where she is on that issue?

[Anonymous]

regain the upper hand?

Dude, why not see her as a person and not some prize to win in some lame game you've made up in your head?

Tell her what you want. Done. Stop playing games, and just be an adult.

[Anonymous]

If you are asking the question it's time to move on. See if you can set something up with another woman for this weekend.
Also, how many dates have you been on?

[Anonymous]

How many dates have you been on? By the third date you should be getting some pretty strong feedback and she should be contacting you(calling, texting, inviting to do things, etc.). If she is not doing those things, she is not interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:regain the upper hand?

Dude, why not see her as a person and not some prize to win in some lame game you've made up in your head?

Tell her what you want. Done. Stop playing games, and just be an adult.

OP here. At a certain point of the pursuit the guy looks like he's putting her on a pedestal, is too needy, and looks desperate. And that kills her interest immediately. That's what this feels like. There is a fine line between going after her and going after her too much without reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

Friendship, is a two way street. If she cannot, will not be considerate of having you as a friend and "giving" to a budding friendship then stop.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, you've just described me. I'm pretty much like this until I'm in a relationship. I assume the guy is dating other people in addition to having a career and friends/family. Once we're committed, I tend to call and text daily. So I don't expect to speak with him much in between dates. Are you interested in exclusivity? If so, have you let her know?

The current guy I'm dating seemed pleasantly surprised the first time I initiated a phone call. I moreso called because we were texting (he initiated) and I thought it would be easier to talk instead. Prior to that, I really wasn't playing games. I just think of him as a busy man. I figured he called when he really had time to focus on me. He travels a lot and works from home often and I respected that. I'm very cut and dry. Either you're my man or you're not. If we're not in a relationship, I give guys plenty of space. I'm totally cool with him seeing others. I'm far more attentive within a committed relationship.

If you don't want an exclusive relationship, then your expectations are ridiculous. If you ultimately want to be with her, tell her you'd like to only see each other. Either way, you have your answer. No need for games.

[Anonymous]

Plenty o' fish in the sea...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, you've just described me. I'm pretty much like this until I'm in a relationship. I assume the guy is dating other people in addition to having a career and friends/family. Once we're committed, I tend to call and text daily. So I don't expect to speak with him much in between dates. Are you interested in exclusivity? If so, have you let her know?

The current guy I'm dating seemed pleasantly surprised the first time I initiated a phone call. I moreso called because we were texting (he initiated) and I thought it would be easier to talk instead. Prior to that, I really wasn't playing games. I just think of him as a busy man. I figured he called when he really had time to focus on me. He travels a lot and works from home often and I respected that. I'm very cut and dry. Either you're my man or you're not. If we're not in a relationship, I give guys plenty of space. I'm totally cool with him seeing others. I'm far more attentive within a committed relationship.

If you don't want an exclusive relationship, then your expectations are ridiculous. If you ultimately want to be with her, tell her you'd like to only see each other. Either way, you have your answer. No need for games.

+1 to the bolded. If you really like her, and she's interested enough to keep seeing you, then keep asking her out, or point-blank ask her about it. If you like her enough to not want to lose her, and you change the dynamic you admit you yourself have established without explaining why, then you might.

[Anonymous]

Point blank ask her if she's dating others or wants to make it exclusive. I am a woman and she does not seem that interested.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel and play games. Lame.

Just tell her that you want her to text you and call you. You can say it in a sweet or fun loving way.

I always usually let the guy make the moves in the communication area first until we've established times and schedules. I always assume you are busy as well. After I feel comfortable in a few months I initiate texts and calls.

Although some women will need affirmation all through their relationships and even into marriage. I just told my husband of 8 years he needed to text me more throughout the day. A simple I love you or I miss you goes a long way for me.

If this constant affirmation and initiation is not something you are that happy with now, guaranteed you will not be happy with it 5 years from now. So you just might need to find another womens bit stronger in this department.

Tell her, give her a chance to fix it and if it doesn't change move on. You can walk away knowing you have 100% and without playing games.

Good luck!