Update and needing further opinions -

[Anonymous]

I posted several months ago - quick recap
Very close relationship w my family though they live several states away. My parents pretty close w my kids, their grandchildren we visit one another handful of times per year. A year ago my parents coming to visit my dd says "I don't want to see grandpa" she was 4, I know they can have all kinds of opinions but she was emphatic. But they were on way so I dismissed it. Flash forward a visits later then coming up on holidays last winter I really have a bad moment about incident that happened to me in high school w my dad, her grandpa. Not big but he lay down behind me on their bed, me watching tv and his hand starting moving up my side was stopped by my elbow under my chest that wasn't going to move. The moment itself was maybe minor but I distinctly remember that interaction because my whole body froze, my gut said this is weird and I've never forgotten it.
So I tgem weirdly was freaking out internally at age 38 over incident in high school that I struggled w but moved on from. Talked to therapists my husband knew but I moved on. It hit me a different way last yr one day as I looked at my dd. I sort of "felt" the incident again like I never had since is best way to say it. Then I thought of her saying, for whatever reason "I don't want to see grandpa". And I got scared, felt like I'd ignored her wishes, sad, etc and bailed on seeing them for the holidays. And I haven't been able to get it together to go see them since then. They haven't seen their grandkids I'm struggling with a years ago feeling of mistrust and a need to bubble wrap my dd even though likely nothing happened. I feel terrible, often think okay this weekend is it we're going and then....can't. They know nothing except probably think I'm terrible for keeping kids away. I feel awful yet protective with no desire to see them but I love them. Am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Op here: anyone? I'd be so grateful for any thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, this must be so stressful for you.
Have you asked her daughter anything about Grandpa doing something to make her uncomfortable?
If you said you were going to visit this weekend would she make a fuss or go along?
If she says nothing happened, then if you do visit you just can't ever let her out of your sight. Like, she needs to sleep with you at night. I don't know if you want to go through that though. There will never be a time she can be alone with him. Just a tough situation, I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say?

[Anonymous]

Op here : he's fine with us going, not going, whatever I want to do.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your parents what you daughter said and ask if they know what she's talking about. Make it sound innocent like, oh did she have a bad fall when playing with grandpa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here : he's fine with us going, not going, whatever I want to do.

So his not concerned that his daughter might have been molested?

[Anonymous]

Op here : I think he thinks chances very slim. And he's probably right. It's just I can't shake my past experience AND hearing her say that. There has only been one weekend she spent w them alone but I think bk on that and wonder but yes chances very very slim. And yet I can't get past this. I truly feel a little messed up about this.

[Anonymous]

Op, if there's any possibility that this man could have or might want to touch your DD you have to keep her away from him. My father molested me and my grandfather did some weird shit similar to what you described. You are obligated to keep her safe. The inappropriate touch from your dad wasn't nothing. Tell yourself whatever you want to come to terms with what happened - except when there's a child involved. Sorry if this is rambly but you cannot just dismiss this. My father has never even met my child. Over. My. Dead. Body.

[Anonymous]

Can you get your child to a therapist with experience with abuse? Maybe he/she could help you understand what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Op here: the thing is she said it that time "I don't want to see grandpa" then I convinced her otherwise as they were on their way. She later would say she wanted to see them, ask about them etc. So do I think something happened? 99 percent no. But it's kind of like I realized suddenly : her saying that even though it probably meant zero (he's s very reserved not kiddo friendly demeanor so maybe that's why she said that) unfortunately has import in my brain because of my experience. It seems so terribly unfair to him, it was only inappropriate and I'm feeling this out of the clear blue but I can't move on - it's horrible.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like what happened to you may have been "grooming"-- testing the waters to see if you will tolerate being inappropriately touched. Many family abusers don't just walk up and attack someone. They build to it gradually over time. It is a real thing and to be taken very seriously.

Re: your DD, it's hard to know. Kids do say random stuff and if she says she does want to see them, maybe nothing actually happened. But you are 1000% right to be on your guard. Perhaps stay at a hotel next time? And work with your DD on concepts like appropriate and inappropriate touching, the idea that you will always, always believe her, things like that. I would recommend a book but I have no clue which ones are good.

[Anonymous]

Op here : but is it rational that I don't even want to engage, want to just be out of contact? The whole thing is just ridiculously stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here : but is it rational that I don't even want to engage, want to just be out of contact? The whole thing is just ridiculously stressful.

Of course. I mean, who on earth would want to deal with this situation? It sucks. I hope you can get some professional help-- if the first therapist wasn't a good fit, maybe try another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here : but is it rational that I don't even want to engage, want to just be out of contact? The whole thing is just ridiculously stressful.

Yes. You have a strong maternal instinct to protect your daughter. I also encourage you to take your daughter to a therapist to see if they can get to the bottom of it. I honestly believe that if it was my father I would cut off contact. Even if he did not do anything to your daughter he did something to you years ago and that makes him too much of a risk. Does your mother know what he did back then?