Update and needing further opinions -

[Anonymous]

I dont get how you could have left your dd alone with your father after what happened to you. And I dont get why your DH is not freaking out. If it was me I would never leave a small child alone with him. You are in denial.

[Anonymous]

What is all this low chance? That is not the same as NO chance.

And we're not talking about low chance of being given too much ice cream or low chance that your DD stayed up past her bed time. Low chance that she was inappropriately touched by her grandfather.

SHE said she is not comfortable around him. Why? Why would a child say that? I agree with pops who said you should try to work through this with a therapist, but until then do not leave your child alone with them for a minute.

[Anonymous]

Op here: it's interesting; when I last posted to seek help many were on the move on side of the fence since it was one time not overt molestation just going in inappropriate direction. I had mentioned at that time that a few therapists I talked w about it as a young adult were not particularly moved by the incident as wasn't overt. Kind of like move on. But I think it's now as a mom it's more important and has more substance because of dd and what she said. Recent therapist was firm about not ok. While the incident wasn't overt I knew at time it wasn't appropriate direction moreover my gut felt HORRIBLE.

[Anonymous]

Op, I remember your post from last time and I posted to you about my situation, but I think the thing you keep ignoring is like the other poster mentioned - your dad was grooming you. Luckily, you were aware enough to hold firm and stop him, but you knew (subconsciously) that it wasn't normal touch.

Who's to say that your dad didn't start "grooming" your daughter while she was visiting? Touches that were subtle enough that she questions her own feelings about them and she vacillates between not wanting to see him, but...just like you...everything else is great and she loves them. How can a little girl reconcile that in her head? Even small kids know instinctively that if she says something, there will be a domino effect and it'll be all her fault. Think about it from her perspective.

Just imagine if your dad just placed his hand...rested his hand too close to a private area. Casually, and acted like it was nothing. She feels awful about it. It's very uncomfortable for her, yet her grandpa, the man she loves (and knows her mom loves) is acting like that's normal. But it doesn't feel normal. So she just sits there frozen and doesn't say anything. And that's it. Nothing else happened. the movie ended, or the discussion ended and everyone gets up to do something else.

now can you see why maybe when they were coming she slipped up and said "I don't want to see grandpa" and then he came anyway and everyone acted normal, so she did too. And buries that uncomfortable feeling further down.

Maybe now you can understand where she's coming from? He's starting to groom her and she may not be as strong as you were, or as old, or something - it may go further, or it may not. But whatever you do, please keep in mind that it doesn't have to be all or nothing - it could be these "grooming" techniques that your daughter may not understand.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seriously need to stop crowdsourcing advice on anonymous forums.

Get professional assistance on how to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Whoa! I think there's a lot of room for interpretation on what happened with her dad and I think to throw out "Grooming" is extreme based on the limited knowledge all of us have of the situation.

To cut off your parents based on this one thing, which even therapists have not been able to agree on, is extreme. Even the OP is not sure what happened.

The event obviously bothers the OP and needs to be dealt with, but I'm still not convinced the parents need to be cut off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I remember your post from last time and I posted to you about my situation, but I think the thing you keep ignoring is like the other poster mentioned - your dad was grooming you. Luckily, you were aware enough to hold firm and stop him, but you knew (subconsciously) that it wasn't normal touch.

Who's to say that your dad didn't start "grooming" your daughter while she was visiting? Touches that were subtle enough that she questions her own feelings about them and she vacillates between not wanting to see him, but...just like you...everything else is great and she loves them. How can a little girl reconcile that in her head? Even small kids know instinctively that if she says something, there will be a domino effect and it'll be all her fault. Think about it from her perspective.

Just imagine if your dad just placed his hand...rested his hand too close to a private area. Casually, and acted like it was nothing. She feels awful about it. It's very uncomfortable for her, yet her grandpa, the man she loves (and knows her mom loves) is acting like that's normal. But it doesn't feel normal. So she just sits there frozen and doesn't say anything. And that's it. Nothing else happened. the movie ended, or the discussion ended and everyone gets up to do something else.

now can you see why maybe when they were coming she slipped up and said "I don't want to see grandpa" and then he came anyway and everyone acted normal, so she did too. And buries that uncomfortable feeling further down.

Maybe now you can understand where she's coming from? He's starting to groom her and she may not be as strong as you were, or as old, or something - it may go further, or it may not. But whatever you do, please keep in mind that it doesn't have to be all or nothing - it could be these "grooming" techniques that your daughter may not understand.

I agree w/ this post. Your daughter may be too young to even understand why she 'doesn't want to see' your dad but she has some visceral, negative/uncomfortable response to him and given the incident you describe, I think you are 100% right to be very cautious about it. I would really listen to your daughter and definitely not dismiss what she said...even if the visits you've had since she made that comment went well, listen to her and don't ever leave her alone w/ your dad or in any situation where he could possibly touch her inappropriately. Do not give him access. It's much better to be overly cautious and risk damaging your relationship w/ your dad than to not be cautious enough and risk something happening to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa! I think there's a lot of room for interpretation on what happened with her dad and I think to throw out "Grooming" is extreme based on the limited knowledge all of us have of the situation.

To cut off your parents based on this one thing, which even therapists have not been able to agree on, is extreme. Even the OP is not sure what happened.

The event obviously bothers the OP and needs to be dealt with, but I'm still not convinced the parents need to be cut off.

But would you agree that her child should not be left alone with the grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Op here: thank you. The grooming concept is really resonating. Where I am now is this: it's all I think about, I don't want to see them, moreover I feel bizarre on phone giving kid updates w this elephant in the room. I feel like it'd be healthier to cut it off but it would shock them and what does it do to my mom's marriage my siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa! I think there's a lot of room for interpretation on what happened with her dad and I think to throw out "Grooming" is extreme based on the limited knowledge all of us have of the situation.

To cut off your parents based on this one thing, which even therapists have not been able to agree on, is extreme. Even the OP is not sure what happened.

The event obviously bothers the OP and needs to be dealt with, but I'm still not convinced the parents need to be cut off.

But would you agree that her child should not be left alone with the grandparents?

No, I wouldn't. I'm some anonymous person on the internet who does not know the OP or her family. I don't admit to having any first hand experience with this and I'm not trained to handle this situation.

This is why she needs to find a good therapist who is experienced who can help her navigate this situation and deal with what occurred many years ago.

We don't know the OP, she could be a flake. I certainly am not going to advise her she needs to cut off her parents. Even her husband hasn't said contact needs to end. He's leaving it all in her hands. Sounds to me that even he's not sure what the right course of action is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: thank you. The grooming concept is really resonating. Where I am now is this: it's all I think about, I don't want to see them, moreover I feel bizarre on phone giving kid updates w this elephant in the room. I feel like it'd be healthier to cut it off but it would shock them and what does it do to my mom's marriage my siblings?

See, this is exactly why the grooming thing shouldn't be tossed around carelessly. The OP is in a fragile state and she's looking for anything to further her argument.

Get Professional Help!

[Anonymous]

Op here: I guess I'm in fragile state on topic but it's not a wish to bolster my own "argument". Just lacking confidence in wisest course.

[Anonymous]

No one is tossing it around carelessly. we are just pointing out that it could be a possibility. And it could!! I agree that the OP should seek help, but I also agree that her daughter may be experiencing something that is difficult to articulate. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I guess I'm in fragile state on topic but it's not a wish to bolster my own "argument". Just lacking confidence in wisest course.

You are not going to find your answer here.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I find the advice and takes on the situation helpful which is why I posted.