Feeling sad I'll never have a daughter

[Anonymous]

I know this is ridiculous, but I thought perhaps the nice DCUM moms/dads can help me feel better. I have three wonderful, healthy, delightful boys. But as my last child turns 1, and my oldest is starting his own burping and arm-pit farting contests with himself, I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit sad about never having a daughter. I understand this is sadness wrapped in ridiculous amounts of joy. But, I'm really feeling bad these days.

I read an article by a mom of three boys and one girl. She said that while she loves, loves, loves her boys, her girl shares parts of her she could never see in her sons. They have an unspoken connection and bond, etc. And then I saw an advertisement of a mom and daughter spending a day at the spa together. I think both of these things are just making me feel like I'm going to miss out on this big experience that I wanted so much (and didn't realize I wanted so badly until just recently). I also feel sad that my husband will never have a daughter - he would be such a wonderful dad to a little girl.

I will not be having any more children, so please help me -- if you feel the same as me, how do you work yourself out of it. Beyond, "it is what it is"...and I don't really want to hear what a pain little girls are, because they are not. And, I would've loved having a daughter. Thanks, and please be gentle. I know that I am blessed beyond belief. Just wanting to work through this and get to the other side.

[Anonymous]

Well, I have two boys and am assuming my third will be, too. The phrase you must repeat to yourself is, "this, too, shall pass." Go ahead and mourn it. And you never know if there are a bevy of granddaughters in your future.

[Anonymous]

Wishing you peace, OP. I know it's not the same as raising one, but is there a special little girl in your life that you could build a special connection with? I have a cousin who did not have children of her own, but she has become (by their own design) an Auntie Mame to my daughter. She is like a sister to me and my daughter has her own unique bond with this "auntie." As she's gotten a little older and can care for her own basic needs now like eating & bathroom stuff, she has even enjoyed overnights for broadway shows etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite where you are, but completely understand. I have two AMAZING little boys, and DH & I have decided that we likely want 3 children in total. I have all my hopes for a daughter in this last "chance". I worry about how I'll feel if it's another boy -- not that I will not love him to the moon and back -- but knowing that the door is closed, as you say.

So...no good advice here, sorry. Just commiseration. Maybe someone has some good 'been there, done that' tales for us.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. You might still get a spa friend in one of your sons.

That said, I think it's okay to be a little wistful. It happens when things end.

[Anonymous]

I love my mom, but I can truly say I don't have any unspoken bond or connection with her. I wish I did, especially now that I am a mom myself, but our personalities were just too different. I do have a bond with my dad, perhaps because we are more similar.

I'd also add that it's not true that sons cannot have a close relationship with their moms. They may not go to spa appointments with you, but they can certainly have an unspoken connection/bond with you. Don't let the fact that they are boys and not girls blind you from the chance to build that special bond.

[Anonymous]

Its quite possible that a girl would not want to go to the spa. She may prefer baseball to dolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom, but I can truly say I don't have any unspoken bond or connection with her. I wish I did, especially now that I am a mom myself, but our personalities were just too different. I do have a bond with my dad, perhaps because we are more similar.

I'd also add that it's not true that sons cannot have a close relationship with their moms. They may not go to spa appointments with you, but they can certainly have an unspoken connection/bond with you. Don't let the fact that they are boys and not girls blind you from the chance to build that special bond.

I hope my sons have a close relationship with me, but I do believe there is a difference with a mom and daughter. Maybe it's something you only know when you have it -- but truly, my own relationship with my mom is a cornerstone in my life. Something about the continuation of life and mothering, I think.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I were super close and she died before my sons (now preschooler and toddler) were born. I was SO upset when I found out I wasn't going to have a girl (we are done). But now, I'm so grateful for my boys. I see them developing an amazing brotherly bond and they have so much love for their mama - even now in preschool, the girls are bringing drama.

Adult men can be close with their mothers, too. My DH is close with his mom. Build a strong family unit and enjoy being a boy mom. I came around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have two boys and am assuming my third will be, too. The phrase you must repeat to yourself is, "this, too, shall pass." Go ahead and mourn it. And you never know if there are a bevy of granddaughters in your future.

This is good advice. My own mom had 2 girls and we 3 are very tight, so I get that idea of the mother/daughter relationship being special BUT she is loving that all her grandkids are boys (it helps that she had us so young that she has tons of energy to handle them). Also, although it doesn't get any threads started, I know plenty of women who have great DIL relationships. I hope for those someday even if I do ever end up with a girl.

[Anonymous]

Think about what you have instead of what you don't have.
And that's all anyone can wish for you. Wonderful, Healthy and Delightful kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its quite possible that a girl would not want to go to the spa. She may prefer baseball to dolls.

This. I have a son and a daughter. My daughter, age 9, wants nothing to do with wearing dresses or spas or anything you mentioned OP. I can't imagine those experiences with her, even though I love to do them myself. And I'm perfectly fine with that because that kid is just amazing.

Grieve your loss, but also know that having these kinds of expectations about how things will unfold with your kids is something that isn't always realistic. As we say to our kids, "You get what you get, and you don't get upset."

[Anonymous]

It is fine to mourn for a certain vision you had for your life that will not come true. That is true if your child is a boy when you wanted a girl or vice versa, is a girl who doesn't like you to do her hair like you imagined, has special needs, goes to Penn when you wanted him to go to Harvard, etc.

But it is also healthy for you and your relationship with your child if, after you are done mourning, you can recognize that your children are their own people and were always going to be, no matter what visions you had in your head, and that it is your job as parent to love them no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wishing you peace, OP. I know it's not the same as raising one, but is there a special little girl in your life that you could build a special connection with? I have a cousin who did not have children of her own, but she has become (by their own design) an Auntie Mame to my daughter. She is like a sister to me and my daughter has her own unique bond with this "auntie." As she's gotten a little older and can care for her own basic needs now like eating & bathroom stuff, she has even enjoyed overnights for broadway shows etc.

Thank you to everyone -- this is OP.

Funny - I think having a special girl in my life would've been enough. But my sister has 2 boys and my 2 brothers-in-laws are not having children. My mother-in-law has three sons and I think was counting on me to give her a granddaughter!

I have girlfriends who have daughters, but it's not quite the same as family. I hope and believe I'll be close to my sons as they get older, but I see a difference with how my girlfriends treat their mothers vs. mother-in-laws. I guess there's not much to say, just sad at the moment. Hoping for peace as well.

[Anonymous]

Pregnant with my second boy and struggling with this. We will only have two children. I just keep repeating my grandmas famous saying "you get what you get and you don't throw no fits." I just remind myself of the millions of women who would do anything for ANY child.