Feeling sad I'll never have a daughter

[Anonymous]

Maybe the feelings will pass after the Mothers Day advertising blitz is over. Having lost my own mother, I'm acutely aware of how much the mother-daughter relationship is hyped up during these couple of weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom, but I can truly say I don't have any unspoken bond or connection with her. I wish I did, especially now that I am a mom myself, but our personalities were just too different. I do have a bond with my dad, perhaps because we are more similar.

I'd also add that it's not true that sons cannot have a close relationship with their moms. They may not go to spa appointments with you, but they can certainly have an unspoken connection/bond with you. Don't let the fact that they are boys and not girls blind you from the chance to build that special bond.

totally agree. try to hang in there and just remember all the things you love about having boys. Sorry I can't empathize because I am one of those moms who was happy to have boys instead of girls because I dreaded having to attend ballet recitals, worry about the length of skirts, and what not. Of course now one of my boys is more into girl things than boy things, so who knows, ballet may still be in the future. Be well OP!

[Anonymous]

Pour all this love into your future daughters in law and be the best MIL ever! You'll get that daughter bond. I truly consider my MIL my second mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe one will be gay and then you can go to the spa with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pour all this love into your future daughters in law and be the best MIL ever! You'll get that daughter bond. I truly consider my MIL my second mother.

Not necessarily. My MIL tries to make me into the daughter she wanted. It became overbearing. I already have a mother and would like to have a healthy, close relationship with MIL, but she keeps trying to recreate the bond she didn't have in a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. You might still get a spa friend in one of your sons.

That said, I think it's okay to be a little wistful. It happens when things end.

I have 2 little boys, and we're most likely not having a third. This made me laugh.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy and we are done. I wanted a girl more than anything. Of course now that he is here I adore him. I have two step daughters and I am glad for some girl-bonding with them but my heart also yearns when I see how close they are with their bio mom in that true mom daughter connection. You are not alone OP. Delight in your babies and focus on what you have!

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to mourn. But keep in mind that you are mourning the hallmark version of it and that the real life relationship can be very different than what you imagine. Or maybe not. But either way, mourn it, move on and focus on the good things you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I were super close and she died before my sons (now preschooler and toddler) were born. I was SO upset when I found out I wasn't going to have a girl (we are done). But now, I'm so grateful for my boys. I see them developing an amazing brotherly bond and they have so much love for their mama - even now in preschool, the girls are bringing drama.

Adult men can be close with their mothers, too. My DH is close with his mom. Build a strong family unit and enjoy being a boy mom. I came around

My mother died, too, and though I didn't think I had a preference, I was definitely sad when I found out the baby I'm carrying is a boy. We are one and done, so I will never have a daughter. I cried when thinking about how I can't pass down my mother's jewelry. And that I'll never experience that special mother/daughter bond from the other side (my mom and I were very close). I just let myself be sad for awhile and now I am actually super psyched to be having a boy. I'm not sure what helped me turn the corner other than just letting myself "grieve" for a little bit. I do have nieces that I love very much and to whom I can pass their grandmother's things down, so that helps. My DH is close with his mom, too, and my mom's brothers are close to their mother. And I think actually that it might be psychologically healthier for me to have this boy, as I won't be putting pressure on a daughter in order to try and recreate my lost mother-daughter relationship in some way.

[Anonymous]

My single best friend was so bummed when I had girls because she is constantly lamenting the state of men in our society and she thought my husband and I could have raised boys to become amazing men. Obviously, that is flattering, but also a little silly, I thought. I wanted daughters, so was happy to have girls, but lately I've been thinking more about her comment and have often thought how raising sons in this society where expectations, norms and the economy are changing so rapidly would be such a challenge, but also such an amazing opportunity. The world needs a balance of thoughtful and kind men and women and you can do your part, OP, to bring up three of the kind of men we all want to see more of in the world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wishing you peace, OP. I know it's not the same as raising one, but is there a special little girl in your life that you could build a special connection with? I have a cousin who did not have children of her own, but she has become (by their own design) an Auntie Mame to my daughter. She is like a sister to me and my daughter has her own unique bond with this "auntie." As she's gotten a little older and can care for her own basic needs now like eating & bathroom stuff, she has even enjoyed overnights for broadway shows etc.

Thank you to everyone -- this is OP.

Funny - I think having a special girl in my life would've been enough. But my sister has 2 boys and my 2 brothers-in-laws are not having children. My mother-in-law has three sons and I think was counting on me to give her a granddaughter!

I have girlfriends who have daughters, but it's not quite the same as family. I hope and believe I'll be close to my sons as they get older, but I see a difference with how my girlfriends treat their mothers vs. mother-in-laws. I guess there's not much to say, just sad at the moment. Hoping for peace as well.

She can't blame you. She can blame her son though since the sex of a baby depends on the male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its quite possible that a girl would not want to go to the spa. She may prefer baseball to dolls.

This. If it makes you feel any better OP, I have a daughte that I don't have much in common with. We share no "girl stuff" like spa's, shopping, makeup, gossip etc because that's just not her personality. She's a wonderful person, we're just different. My son doesn't go to the spa with me, but emotionally we are closer than my daughter and I. So, having a girl is no guarantee.

[Anonymous]

I feel this loss deeply and acutely.

[Anonymous]

Boys are so much cheaper than girls. They are happy with a couple of shirts and jeans. They never need ten pairs of shoes; no makeup; one nice navy blue or black suit/blazer goes for every dressy occasion. Looking to the future, you don't have weddings to pay for. I have two sons and one daughter whom I dearly love, but, oh, the drama. None with the boys

[Anonymous]

I was surprised when I learned I was having a girl. Throughout the sonogram, I kept asking "but where's the penis? Where's the penis?" as the tech laughed at me. I was the proud mother of a great son and evidently had the idea that I would only have sons. Wrong!

So, I have a delightful little girl, whom I love dearly. But, truth be told, I am so much closer to my son. Gender has nothing to do with the bond I have with him. He and I click in a way that DD and don't. Do I adore my DD? You betcha! With all my heart.

I just want you to reconsider your assumption that you would naturally have a stronger connection to a little girl.

My mother and brother were besties. I had a deep connection to my father. Each child comes with its own Self. Sex is just a part of the complex package you give birth to.

I have as much fun dressing up DS as I do DD. They share a doll house which, along with the Fisher Price Tea Set, is their favorite toy in the house. They both play with dolls, some of which are called "action figures." You get a lot of the same memories with each.

Sometimes I miss having a third, but like you, I realize that it's a small something I have to deal with as I embrace the great fortune of having the children I do have.

I hope you're able to see opportunities with you boys and not hold back because you think there only something you can enjoy with a DD.