Reply to When one child is much better at everything then the other child

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't buy it.  There has to be something child "normal child" is better at the other child at.  Perhaps humor, being able to laugh at his or herself, being humble, supporting friends, being present in the moment, appreciating theater.  Think hard about what makes your "normal" child contribute to the family in a way that stands out vis-a-vis "excelling child" and be sure you praise these qualities.  I think it's as simple as "I sure love they way you're quick to help out with the recycling every week."  Or "boy I can tell you like an orderly room" or "its so wonderful you enjoy reading the newspaper with me every Sunday-you're going to know a lot about the world when you grow up."

You don't have to make a comparison, you just need to acknowledge that you SEE normal child and appreciate things about him or her that are wonderful and unique. [/quote]

I am the youngest of several superhuman siblings, and I definitely felt it growing up. It didn't help that my hometown is quite small, so most of my teachers also knew my sibs and set their expectations accordingly. There was nothing wrong with me, but my standard of comparison (and my parents') was my family, not the general population. Having a hard time in calculus in 12th grade didn't seem normal to me. It seemed like an occasion for shame.

Now that we're adults, my parents still don't seem satisfied. They don't see us as having individual, if opposed, achievements ("You've managed to reinvent yourself several times in a changing job market!" "You've made a name for yourself in your field!" "You still find your career engrossing, even as you near retirement" "You have a well-balanced life"). We're the one who should have gotten married and had kids, the one who can't sustain a relationship, the one who hasn't had a promotion in several years . . . .

My firstborn is a great kid, and his achievements are highly visible: good grades, community activities, loads of friends, always kind and helpful. His younger brother admires him, which is fine, and wants to be him, which is not. And it's hard, because the things I like about him are not things a casual observer will notice: endlessly kind and patient with animals, able to amuse himself, fascinated by how things work, stands firm on his beliefs. Other people may not notice, but I make sure I tell him when I do. [/quote]

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