Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.
Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.
Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.
Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.
It’s your husband’s money, second wife.
It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.
They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.
Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.
Yes, i'm married.
Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.
"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.
When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.
If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.
Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.
The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.
Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.
Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.
It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.
You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.
Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.
Who are you writing to here? I'm the PP and my spouse doesn't have any other kids. I started following because my dad had a child before he met my mom, married and started a family with her. These are a lot of crazy assumptions and accusations in your post. I am commenting on a universal theme I see here on DCUM of adult children who are entitled and developmentally stunted. And frankly, I consider DH's money my money and I would be pissed if he started spending it on whatever he wanted without my signoff. I know he feels the same way. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, definitely not the marriage my parents modeled.
I am commenting universal theme.
Men (and women) marry and their 2nd spouse want to dictate their time/energy/money. They feel like the time/energy/money is all theirs and when they see some of the time/money/energy going to adult children the 2nd wife cries fowl... OMG they are ADULTS!
I think its unhealthy to dictate how your husband spends his time/money/energy and it's very unhealthy to feel jealous when it is on his adult children.
But apparently you have a H who does not want to spend money/time/energy on his adult children. To me that is sad.
My H doesn't have adult children. We have young children and I expect him to be a 50% parenting partner. We are millennials and this is how all our friends seem to parent as well. Happy to give him time off to recreate and spend our money as long as he does the same for me. 50/50. Also, I don't feel entitled to my parents' money as an adult. I just can't relate to people who feel that way. DH and I both send money to one of our parents when they need help, so all the hate and entitlement from adult children just sounds pathetic to me, but we didn't grow up wealthy, we earned our money.
Come back when he has a 2nd wife and isn’t allowed to spend the weekend with his adult kids during graduation because “it’s not fair” to leave the new wife to care for her own children
This. Come on. Being in a family with his adult children and his grandchildren is not recreation. It can be really fun, or it can be really hard. But it's not just recreation.
What do you think you'll do for your adult children? Just being present at their major life events and being an adequate grandparent is a lot of work. What would you want for your children if your DH divorces you and remarries?
Doesn't really matter what he's doing - whether it's spending time with his parents, his adult children, or his college roommate, as long as he gives his spouse the same time off to do the same, I doubt there'd be any problems. The vast majority of people getting married and having kids today expect 50/50 parenting. My guess is if a second wife has a problem, it's because her spouse isn't pulling his weight as a husband and parent. Blame whoever you want to blame, but it's a recipe for another failed marriage. Folks on here sound like they're rooting for the failure of second marriages, so your position would be that the second wife gets what was coming to her for being foolish enough to marry someone who had kids? Everyone ends up a loser.
Second wife needs to accept that he's not going to be able to do that! He is old. He is getting older. Young adult children tend to be pretty low-maintenance but they get higher-maintenance as they enter their 30s. Grandchildren exist-- is that okay with you? His first-family obligations are very likely to grow. His capacity to meet his obligations is likely to decline. Why. On. Earth. would you expect 50/50 in this situation?
I'm not at all rooting for the failure of the second marriage-- that's a terrible deal for me, I'd be left caregiving for my aged father with no help and not much money (since she'd walk out with a lot of it). But I think it's important to open your eyes to the reality of this. If you want 50/50, marry someone of your own generation and someone who doesn't have these obligations. Coming in with unrealistic expectations only leads to unhappy marriage, and I've already lived through my dad's first unhappy marriage, I don't want to watch him blunder into a second.
Just shared this with my husband he says you are type that gets written out of wills. And yes I'm second wife. Your mother used him for cash and has taught you to be the same
Of course, he told you that until with number three
Envious much... my dh greedy ex alienated him from his kids, used them for child support. Kids only reached out when they wanted something- clothes, trips. He obliged until they got 18
He got married again and had kids so he could have the family he wanted. And guess what ex and kids got more p*ssed.
He's not stupid. There is only so much someone can take. I have my own career and out joint home we have set up in a way that those leeches can't lay claim on. My husband's idea.
Nice little rewrite of history.
The click it ticking. She will be the ex in no time at all.
You wish...also not a re write facts are facts
Eventually you will pay the price for alienating him from his kids
Facts are facts.
I’m not an ex. Also you punish adult kids and use an ex as an excuse. You’re a silly little imp.
Enjoy paying for your kids therapy.
We are actually perfectly fine thanks. Keep burning with all that jealousy.
Actually I’m perfectly fine going to Europe with my kids over Easter cause there is no bitter 2nd wife.
Oh so are we...second wife here enjoying our good life.
Now that we are aren't drained by child support.
But we arr over Europe. We are headed to the maldives
How incestuous… youre not taking your children are you?
/s
I don't have adult children
Right, you have toddlers by your 60 year old DH.
My husband is 46 you tit
It’s the check, his husband had children and 20.
If your husband has a 20 year old then do math he had the child at 26
Anonymous wrote:I’ve driven my dad & his second wife to the brink of divorce. Almost there.
Your divorce will be coming soon too. Your husband will come to his senses.
You don’t get to steal someone’s dad without consequences.
Steal someone's dad lol...maybe your mom should have been a better wife and they wouldn't have divorced. My dh divorced and his ex divorced when kids were toddlers. I met him 13 years later
Or, maybe mom should have made better choices and not have an affair and leave to be with her AP destroying two marriages and two sets of kids.
Oh look it’s the check if it’s OK to punish adopt children for their mothers indiscretions
It would have been nice if the AP adopted the kids but he wouldn't. She didn't want to give up that check.
Anonymous wrote:I’ve driven my dad & his second wife to the brink of divorce. Almost there.
Your divorce will be coming soon too. Your husband will come to his senses.
You don’t get to steal someone’s dad without consequences.
Steal someone's dad lol...maybe your mom should have been a better wife and they wouldn't have divorced. My dh divorced and his ex divorced when kids were toddlers. I met him 13 years later
Or, maybe mom should have made better choices and not have an affair and leave to be with her AP destroying two marriages and two sets of kids.
Oh look it’s the check if it’s OK to punish adopt children for their mothers indiscretions
It would have been nice if the AP adopted the kids but he wouldn't. She didn't want to give up that check.
Exactly they never want to give up the check. My husband's ex trapped him at 26 and once she secured that check trapped another man had another kid and secured a check. That relationship didn't last either.
Rather than collect checks I suggest you first wives get careers.
Anonymous wrote:I was in my late twenties when my dad had a baby, and I don’t get all the hate, honestly. It’s not like I was trying to spend a ton of time with him by that point anyway; we lived in different states and even if we’d been physically closer I was more inclined to be going out and having fun, visiting occasionally or for holidays. I definitely was not spending a weekend a month with my dad in my twenties! I also wasn’t counting on some grand inheritance. You guys sound like you are looking at it from the point of view of a cheated on first spouse, but I didn’t feel that way. I thought it was kind of a dumb move at that age, but whatever, wasn’t my life.
Perhaps your perspective is a little bit skewed, since you don’t really have a close relationship with your father. Have you ever thought that other people have really close relationships with their father and they don’t just see them occasionally for holidays?
All the more reason you should want them to be happy. If you’re living your own life, building your own career, pursuing your own adult relationships, you should be mature enough to allow your single father the same grace without causing guilt. For what? You’re a grown person!
All the more reason a 2nd wife should want them to be happy. These children have built a life and a career and have strong adult relationships which includes their dad.
A 2nd wife should be mature enough to allow their fully grown adult husband the same grace without causing guilt for … flying to Paris to enjoy a cafe, or Spain to taste wine, or Arizona for a long weekend golfing? You’re a grown person, you should understand These are normal positive ways adults interact with their father (even if you are at home watching tv with toddlers) … you’ll have your day in Europe with daddy when your kid is 20+.
This is absurd. It sounds very incestuous. If my husband went wine tasting or to Paris with an adult child and left me home with a toddler I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer and ready to serve him when he returned. He could forever continue his incestuous relationship with his adult kid for all I care. He would owe me so much in child support and a property settlement that his trips to Arizona and Europe would be over forever, and he’d never be able to retire.
People with terrible parents nothing terrible parents. The fact that you think that adults going to Europe together is incestuous is quite frankly insane. No joke girlfriend. You really need some therapy.
Taking your adult kids wine tasting in Europe is text book incest. This is where daddy issues come from. It’s not my problem because DH takes me to Paris, not his adult kids. If that changes we’ll both know that it’s time to move on. My affairs are in order.
I traveled with my parents including tastings and I promise it did not end in an orgy, what is wrong with you? Do you just have no idea what a happy functional family looks like?
You traveled with your “parents”, not your dad. Who left your mom home with younger siblings.
My parents are divorced you dimwit! I travel with them both. And no one is doing anything incestuous. It’s called being family.
Anonymous wrote:I was in my late twenties when my dad had a baby, and I don’t get all the hate, honestly. It’s not like I was trying to spend a ton of time with him by that point anyway; we lived in different states and even if we’d been physically closer I was more inclined to be going out and having fun, visiting occasionally or for holidays. I definitely was not spending a weekend a month with my dad in my twenties! I also wasn’t counting on some grand inheritance. You guys sound like you are looking at it from the point of view of a cheated on first spouse, but I didn’t feel that way. I thought it was kind of a dumb move at that age, but whatever, wasn’t my life.
Perhaps your perspective is a little bit skewed, since you don’t really have a close relationship with your father. Have you ever thought that other people have really close relationships with their father and they don’t just see them occasionally for holidays?
All the more reason you should want them to be happy. If you’re living your own life, building your own career, pursuing your own adult relationships, you should be mature enough to allow your single father the same grace without causing guilt. For what? You’re a grown person!
All the more reason a 2nd wife should want them to be happy. These children have built a life and a career and have strong adult relationships which includes their dad.
A 2nd wife should be mature enough to allow their fully grown adult husband the same grace without causing guilt for … flying to Paris to enjoy a cafe, or Spain to taste wine, or Arizona for a long weekend golfing? You’re a grown person, you should understand These are normal positive ways adults interact with their father (even if you are at home watching tv with toddlers) … you’ll have your day in Europe with daddy when your kid is 20+.
This is absurd. It sounds very incestuous. If my husband went wine tasting or to Paris with an adult child and left me home with a toddler I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer and ready to serve him when he returned. He could forever continue his incestuous relationship with his adult kid for all I care. He would owe me so much in child support and a property settlement that his trips to Arizona and Europe would be over forever, and he’d never be able to retire.
People with terrible parents nothing terrible parents. The fact that you think that adults going to Europe together is incestuous is quite frankly insane. No joke girlfriend. You really need some therapy.
Taking your adult kids wine tasting in Europe is text book incest. This is where daddy issues come from. It’s not my problem because DH takes me to Paris, not his adult kids. If that changes we’ll both know that it’s time to move on. My affairs are in order.
I traveled with my parents including tastings and I promise it did not end in an orgy, what is wrong with you? Do you just have no idea what a happy functional family looks like?
You traveled with your “parents”, not your dad. Who left your mom home with younger siblings.
My parents are divorced you dimwit! I travel with them both. And no one is doing anything incestuous. It’s called being family.
Time to grow up and have a life and family of your own.
Anonymous wrote:I was in my late twenties when my dad had a baby, and I don’t get all the hate, honestly. It’s not like I was trying to spend a ton of time with him by that point anyway; we lived in different states and even if we’d been physically closer I was more inclined to be going out and having fun, visiting occasionally or for holidays. I definitely was not spending a weekend a month with my dad in my twenties! I also wasn’t counting on some grand inheritance. You guys sound like you are looking at it from the point of view of a cheated on first spouse, but I didn’t feel that way. I thought it was kind of a dumb move at that age, but whatever, wasn’t my life.
Perhaps your perspective is a little bit skewed, since you don’t really have a close relationship with your father. Have you ever thought that other people have really close relationships with their father and they don’t just see them occasionally for holidays?
All the more reason you should want them to be happy. If you’re living your own life, building your own career, pursuing your own adult relationships, you should be mature enough to allow your single father the same grace without causing guilt. For what? You’re a grown person!
All the more reason a 2nd wife should want them to be happy. These children have built a life and a career and have strong adult relationships which includes their dad.
A 2nd wife should be mature enough to allow their fully grown adult husband the same grace without causing guilt for … flying to Paris to enjoy a cafe, or Spain to taste wine, or Arizona for a long weekend golfing? You’re a grown person, you should understand These are normal positive ways adults interact with their father (even if you are at home watching tv with toddlers) … you’ll have your day in Europe with daddy when your kid is 20+.
This is absurd. It sounds very incestuous. If my husband went wine tasting or to Paris with an adult child and left me home with a toddler I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer and ready to serve him when he returned. He could forever continue his incestuous relationship with his adult kid for all I care. He would owe me so much in child support and a property settlement that his trips to Arizona and Europe would be over forever, and he’d never be able to retire.
People with terrible parents nothing terrible parents. The fact that you think that adults going to Europe together is incestuous is quite frankly insane. No joke girlfriend. You really need some therapy.
Taking your adult kids wine tasting in Europe is text book incest. This is where daddy issues come from. It’s not my problem because DH takes me to Paris, not his adult kids. If that changes we’ll both know that it’s time to move on. My affairs are in order.
I traveled with my parents including tastings and I promise it did not end in an orgy, what is wrong with you? Do you just have no idea what a happy functional family looks like?
You traveled with your “parents”, not your dad. Who left your mom home with younger siblings.
My parents are divorced you dimwit! I travel with them both. And no one is doing anything incestuous. It’s called being family
Yes be family - your dad should be bringing along his wife and kids too. After all you are family no?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve driven my dad & his second wife to the brink of divorce. Almost there.
Your divorce will be coming soon too. Your husband will come to his senses.
You don’t get to steal someone’s dad without consequences.
How do you steal someone's dad? This makes no sense. So, if mom remarries are they stealing mom?
She’s a mini-wife. You didn’t steal her dad. You stole her husband.
I can hardly imagine anything more disgusting than thinking there’s something incestuous about maintaining a normal healthy close relationship with his daughter. It’s just so messed up that your mind even goes there. All the happy families I know do this kind of travel, unless they’re broke.
Anonymous wrote:I’ve driven my dad & his second wife to the brink of divorce. Almost there.
Your divorce will be coming soon too. Your husband will come to his senses.
You don’t get to steal someone’s dad without consequences.
Steal someone's dad lol...maybe your mom should have been a better wife and they wouldn't have divorced. My dh divorced and his ex divorced when kids were toddlers. I met him 13 years later
Or, maybe mom should have made better choices and not have an affair and leave to be with her AP destroying two marriages and two sets of kids.
Oh look it’s the check if it’s OK to punish adopt children for their mothers indiscretions
It would have been nice if the AP adopted the kids but he wouldn't. She didn't want to give up that check.
Still blaming kids for adult decisions. Enjoy your eternity in hell.
Anonymous wrote:I was in my late twenties when my dad had a baby, and I don’t get all the hate, honestly. It’s not like I was trying to spend a ton of time with him by that point anyway; we lived in different states and even if we’d been physically closer I was more inclined to be going out and having fun, visiting occasionally or for holidays. I definitely was not spending a weekend a month with my dad in my twenties! I also wasn’t counting on some grand inheritance. You guys sound like you are looking at it from the point of view of a cheated on first spouse, but I didn’t feel that way. I thought it was kind of a dumb move at that age, but whatever, wasn’t my life.
Perhaps your perspective is a little bit skewed, since you don’t really have a close relationship with your father. Have you ever thought that other people have really close relationships with their father and they don’t just see them occasionally for holidays?
All the more reason you should want them to be happy. If you’re living your own life, building your own career, pursuing your own adult relationships, you should be mature enough to allow your single father the same grace without causing guilt. For what? You’re a grown person!
All the more reason a 2nd wife should want them to be happy. These children have built a life and a career and have strong adult relationships which includes their dad.
A 2nd wife should be mature enough to allow their fully grown adult husband the same grace without causing guilt for … flying to Paris to enjoy a cafe, or Spain to taste wine, or Arizona for a long weekend golfing? You’re a grown person, you should understand These are normal positive ways adults interact with their father (even if you are at home watching tv with toddlers) … you’ll have your day in Europe with daddy when your kid is 20+.
This is absurd. It sounds very incestuous. If my husband went wine tasting or to Paris with an adult child and left me home with a toddler I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer and ready to serve him when he returned. He could forever continue his incestuous relationship with his adult kid for all I care. He would owe me so much in child support and a property settlement that his trips to Arizona and Europe would be over forever, and he’d never be able to retire.
People with terrible parents nothing terrible parents. The fact that you think that adults going to Europe together is incestuous is quite frankly insane. No joke girlfriend. You really need some therapy.
Taking your adult kids wine tasting in Europe is text book incest. This is where daddy issues come from. It’s not my problem because DH takes me to Paris, not his adult kids. If that changes we’ll both know that it’s time to move on. My affairs are in order.
I traveled with my parents including tastings and I promise it did not end in an orgy, what is wrong with you? Do you just have no idea what a happy functional family looks like?
You traveled with your “parents”, not your dad. Who left your mom home with younger siblings.
My parents are divorced you dimwit! I travel with them both. And no one is doing anything incestuous. It’s called being family
Yes be family - your dad should be bringing along his wife and kids too. After all you are family no?
Don’t worry my dad divorced #2, and #3 too. They don’t want to come.
Anonymous wrote:I’ve driven my dad & his second wife to the brink of divorce. Almost there.
Your divorce will be coming soon too. Your husband will come to his senses.
You don’t get to steal someone’s dad without consequences.
How do you steal someone's dad? This makes no sense. So, if mom remarries are they stealing mom?
She’s a mini-wife. You didn’t steal her dad. You stole her husband.
I can hardly imagine anything more disgusting than thinking there’s something incestuous about maintaining a normal healthy close relationship with his daughter. It’s just so messed up that your mind even goes there. All the happy families I know do this kind of travel, unless they’re broke.
You know fathers and adult daughters who go solo wine tasting in Spain together?
Anonymous wrote:I was in my late twenties when my dad had a baby, and I don’t get all the hate, honestly. It’s not like I was trying to spend a ton of time with him by that point anyway; we lived in different states and even if we’d been physically closer I was more inclined to be going out and having fun, visiting occasionally or for holidays. I definitely was not spending a weekend a month with my dad in my twenties! I also wasn’t counting on some grand inheritance. You guys sound like you are looking at it from the point of view of a cheated on first spouse, but I didn’t feel that way. I thought it was kind of a dumb move at that age, but whatever, wasn’t my life.
Perhaps your perspective is a little bit skewed, since you don’t really have a close relationship with your father. Have you ever thought that other people have really close relationships with their father and they don’t just see them occasionally for holidays?
All the more reason you should want them to be happy. If you’re living your own life, building your own career, pursuing your own adult relationships, you should be mature enough to allow your single father the same grace without causing guilt. For what? You’re a grown person!
All the more reason a 2nd wife should want them to be happy. These children have built a life and a career and have strong adult relationships which includes their dad.
A 2nd wife should be mature enough to allow their fully grown adult husband the same grace without causing guilt for … flying to Paris to enjoy a cafe, or Spain to taste wine, or Arizona for a long weekend golfing? You’re a grown person, you should understand These are normal positive ways adults interact with their father (even if you are at home watching tv with toddlers) … you’ll have your day in Europe with daddy when your kid is 20+.
This is absurd. It sounds very incestuous. If my husband went wine tasting or to Paris with an adult child and left me home with a toddler I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer and ready to serve him when he returned. He could forever continue his incestuous relationship with his adult kid for all I care. He would owe me so much in child support and a property settlement that his trips to Arizona and Europe would be over forever, and he’d never be able to retire.
People with terrible parents nothing terrible parents. The fact that you think that adults going to Europe together is incestuous is quite frankly insane. No joke girlfriend. You really need some therapy.
Taking your adult kids wine tasting in Europe is text book incest. This is where daddy issues come from. It’s not my problem because DH takes me to Paris, not his adult kids. If that changes we’ll both know that it’s time to move on. My affairs are in order.
I traveled with my parents including tastings and I promise it did not end in an orgy, what is wrong with you? Do you just have no idea what a happy functional family looks like?
You traveled with your “parents”, not your dad. Who left your mom home with younger siblings.
My parents are divorced you dimwit! I travel with them both. And no one is doing anything incestuous. It’s called being family.
Time to grow up and have a life and family of your own.
My dad is my family and we are happily visiting Greece this summer with my 2 brothers.
It’s sad people abandon by their parents don’t know it’s normal to vacation with their dads as adults.
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