Estrangement. How to protect kids as they get older?

[Anonymous]

Be kind. This is new territory for us.

Last weekend, our relationship with MIL hit a new low and we decided to cut off ties with her. She says and does too many harmful things & the cycle of nasty -> apology -> second/third/millionth chance is just too exhausting. DH finally told her not to come around or contact us again (and followed up by cc'ing his entire extended family with details of some of the lowlights so that there would be no uncertainty about our unwillingness to interact with her at any future family events). Extended family has been very understanding & supportive. I've never cut ties with a family member before, but I believe it really, truly is the end of my interaction with her. DH has attempted reconciliations before, but they don't last long, so I think he really, truly is done too.

With me & DH, there was no physical harm, but the emotional nastiness was unbelievable. With DC, she was mostly just super flaky & untrustworthy, but there were occasional, really bad lapses of judgement with respect to safety. He's ok, but we will never allow her to be alone with him for as long as we have any say in the matter.

DC is almost 10 and is understandably really confused by it all. We've explained about the estrangement and tried to assure him that this is not his fault. We've also placed a 'rule' on DCs inbox that will redirect any emails from MIL to DH, and we've told DC that we are monitoring this and explained why.

We are leaving the country soon, so there won't be much face to face interaction anyhow for at least a year. But as DC gets older, more independent, more private, and possibly more curious about MIL, how much can/do you try to shield and protect your kid? I'm not out to slander MIL, but I don't want her to hurt him.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't need to be receiving DC's redirected emails from grandma; cut contact from her period. If you're done with the drama, you cut all ties. Block her number and her email address. Move away and don't look back.

Sparing inappropriate details, I would be honest with DC. This is a teachable moment - sometimes relationships don't work, they become imbalanced, stressful, toxic, unhealthy.... and when that happens it's best to let them go and move on.

[Anonymous]

What 10 year old has their own email account? Crazy.

[Anonymous]

For a ten year old, you control the communication flow with grandma. As he gets older, if he really wants to reach out to her, he will. Once he's a teenager, he'll know how to get around your parental controls, so be honest but don't be so authoritarian that he feels like he needs to hide things from you. Once he's an adult, it will be his call and you need to respect that.

I've been on the outside of other family members' drama, with others cutting each other off, CCing the entire extended family, and one thing I wish others would appreciate is that just because you have beef with some one, and even if you cutting this person off is totally justified, it doesn't automatically mean that I need to cut this person off as well in order to be supportive and understanding, with the exception of molestation or something like that. Sometimes crazy people are only crazy with certain people and are able to keep it together around the grandkids in a way that they can't keep it together around their own children. It's dysfunctional, but it's common. Just because the worst side of some one is triggered in one context doesn't mean that their better side has to be shunned in other contexts. In a lot of these family dramas, I am the "other context" and can knowingly engage with some one's better side, fully aware of the fact that there's a dark side. It's not out of disrespect for those who cut this person off that I chose to engage anyway; it's out of a sense of giving people second chances, acknowledging whatever good some one who is otherwise troubled might have. It's about me and the kind of person I want to be. It's not about you.

So anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there. Inform your son, protect him while he's still a child, then respect his decisions when they're his to make.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks - esp to 12:24. Just to clarify, we cc'd others not to entangle them so much as a heads up to the storm coming their way, as MIL called the world to validate herself. Which happened. Things are calmer now for everyone, but we are still confident of our decision. DC is not immune. She has done things to jeopardize his physical safety before. We are in the process of redoing wills & guardianship directives to ensure DC will be protected.

To 08:33, DC has had an email address for a while - only for communication with family and teachers (to clarify assignments). Going forward, we are opening it up to his friends, with a heads up that it will be monitored with diminishing frequency as he demonstrates good use. I know it's a little early for that, but we are going to a place where he doesn't know anyone yet & doesn't speak the language, so email is important for him right now.

To 23:26, my mom was estranged from her family (third world country - they sold her to be a maid for another family at age 6 and things got worse from there). Bad, right? But it didn't stop me from being increasingly curious and wanting to see them for myself. As a young adult, she finally helped me organize a visit with them at my insistence, and within minutes, her mom was asking me for money. It was easy for me to be repulsed & I quickly discontinued contact with her parents. At the same time, my moms sister and daughter are pretty nice, so I'm happy that they are now part of my life. I thanked my mom for protecting me from them for all of those years, and was happy to connect to the good parts of her family. Im sure this personal history is coloring my perspective on my current situation.

Problem is that DH's mom is way more subtle - she can be fine, even nice for a while, but then land something soul crushing and hateful on you, or completely abandon you when you least expect it and are very vulnerable. The impact is mostly emotional. As an adult, it's been hard to handle; as a kid, both DH & his sister grew up feeling shameful, like her vindictiveness was their fault. They're 10years apart, and only now (& with lots of therapy) have learned that she put them each through separate hells.

When I was a kid, it was hard to communicate with my moms parents - you had to write in another language on special blue paper and get driven to the post office for airmail; my mom didn't facilitate this and it just didn't happen. Nowadays, Email and instant messaging makes it so (too) easy. I want DC to have privacy and to learn to use these things wisely - same as any other parent. But with us, there is the MIL twist. If communication with his grandmother is verboten, he may be even more curious about her (like I was). Her name & contact info has been removed from our family address book, so it will be hard for him to find her on his own. But I definitely wouldn't put it past her to try to communicate with him. I'd rather see if messages or even attempts are coming & going than have them sneak behind our backs. Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

Some good advice here. I'd add, give yourself some time to settle down. You'll be able to think and plan more easily once the initial surge of emotion has worn off.

[Anonymous]

Make this an adult drama to the largest extent you can. If she does communicate with him (sends him a holiday card or a present), don't go ballistic. Don't snatch it away or tear it up. If an email gets into his in box, it gets into his in box.

You are making her relationship with your child into a power struggle and it really doesn't need to be. If you want to cut ties with her, that's fine. But a lot of what you are doing seems more like you are out to "teach her a lesson" and be on eternal vigilance against her. When you want someone out of your life, you stop thinking about them, you don't monitor constantly.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents cut off contact with all of their relatives, and that meant no contact for me, too. I was curious, and connected with my father's mother when I was old enough. What happened was similar to your experience. She came to visit me from a smaller city in the Midwest. Was impressed with Arlington (where I lived at the time), and apparently decided that she was going to move to a retirement facility about a block or so away from my home. The idea was that I was going to take care of her. Luckily, her manipulations were clumsy and obvious, so I was able to extricate myself from the whole mess pretty easily. Once she saw I wouldn't be useful to her, she dropped contact entirely, and didn't even respond to holiday cards, etc.

My point is that your worries that MIL will contact your DC - probably well founded. And your concern that your DC will be curious and responsive - probably also well founded. I think you're doing the right thing in monitoring his email. If she's as devious as you describe, she's going to find a way to bypass your protections. Based on what you write about those protective measures, it should be easy.

So my recommendation is to consider a new approach to the situation. You're so anxious and upset right now that you need an unbiased person, like a therapist, who can help you find that approach. The alternative is hyper vigilance that's not going to achieve the outcome you want.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a really loving, responsible parent. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

It seems like you've hit a very good balance between your desire to protect your son and leaving room for a connection down the road, once DS is old enough to handle what you describe.

My mother was estranged from her sister, who lives across the country. We grew up without any extended family in the area. My father's family is in the deep South.

When I was in college, I went to visit my Aunt every year. I understand what my mother didn't like about her, but I was able to create a positive relationship with her on my own. And when my mother died, this aunt became a wonderful support to me. Even now, she is careful about how she speaks about my mother because I made it clear that our relationship was at stake. We have a good relationship, a distant one but one that works for us, because of the boundaries we've each drawn. I would have been caught in the crossfire if my mother had known about our relationship. She carried a lot of baggage with her to the grave. I'm really glad I have my aunt to fill in the family stories and to give me advice and the occasional boost---the way that only family can. For people who really didn't like each other, my mother and aunt have some pretty significant similarities.

I think what you're doing is great. I'm not sure what you're looking for here. If it's affirmation, I offer you mine.

Explaining to a 10yo that Nana's in a Time Out for hurtful behavior is easy enough. I'm sure your son is aware of what she's done. If not, you need to frame it for him. "Nana needs time to think about what she's done and learn to make better choices. We love you so much that we want you to be safe, physically and emotionally. We don't want Nana to hurt your feelings again or have another situation where you might...fall down the stairs like last time." Or, whatever.

I wouldn't seek out a therapist or outside counsel from anyone. YOU know what's best for your child/family. You have simply closed a door, one that can be opened in time.

Follow your instincts here. You don't want a repeat of DH's experience, especially not if you can prevent it so easily.

I congratulate you on shutting this down. Your son is fully capable of seeking out a relationship with his grandmother when he's ready. I hope you've made that clear to him. I've no doubt that you will be available to offer support when he reaches out and she starts with the crazy. In some alternate reality, my mom would have been able to handle me having a relationship with her sister. That's the piece I regret. I wish I hadn't had to hide those visits to my aunt. It doesn't seem like this will be the case with your DS.

Good luck with your upcoming move.