Reply to Estrangement. How to protect kids as they get older?

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[quote=Anonymous]
You sound like a really loving, responsible parent. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

It seems like you've hit a very good balance between your desire to protect your son and leaving room for a connection down the road, once DS is old enough to handle what you describe.

My mother was estranged from her sister, who lives across the country. We grew up without any extended family in the area. My father's family is in the deep South.

When I was in college, I went to visit my Aunt every year. I understand what my mother didn't like about her, but I was able to create a positive relationship with her on my own. And when my mother died, this aunt became a wonderful support to me. Even now, she is careful about how she speaks about my mother because I made it clear that our relationship was at stake. We have a good relationship, a distant one but one that works for us, because of the boundaries we've each drawn. I would have been caught in the crossfire if my mother had known about our relationship. She carried a lot of baggage with her to the grave. I'm really glad I have my aunt to fill in the family stories and to give me advice and the occasional boost---the way that only family can. For people who really didn't like each other, my mother and aunt have some pretty significant similarities.

I think what you're doing is great. I'm not sure what you're looking for here. If it's affirmation, I offer you mine.

Explaining to a 10yo that Nana's in a Time Out for hurtful behavior is easy enough. I'm sure your son is aware of what she's done. If not, you need to frame it for him. "Nana needs time to think about what she's done and learn to make better choices. We love you so much that we want you to be safe, physically and emotionally. We don't want Nana to hurt your feelings again or have another situation where you might...fall down the stairs like last time." Or, whatever.

I wouldn't seek out a therapist or outside counsel from anyone. YOU know what's best for your child/family. You have simply closed a door, one that can be opened in time.

Follow your instincts here. You don't want a repeat of DH's experience, especially not if you can prevent it so easily.

I congratulate you on shutting this down. Your son is fully capable of seeking out a relationship with his grandmother when he's ready. I hope you've made that clear to him. I've no doubt that you will be available to offer support when he reaches out and she starts with the crazy. In some alternate reality, my mom would have been able to handle me having a relationship with her sister. That's the piece I regret. I wish I hadn't had to hide those visits to my aunt. It doesn't seem like this will be the case with your DS.

Good luck with your upcoming move.

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