My parents that were good parents treat me differently as an adult
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Anonymous
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So here is my issue. My parents were very loving and good parents to me growing up. I also was a good kid. Got good grades, always did what I was told, always put my parents first and listened to them over anyone else.
Fast forward to now. I am 37 YO and married with 3 kids. My parents seemed so excited to be grandparents and are generally good with my kids. However, now, pretty much every time we visit them (they live in Oregon) or we fly them to DC to see us, they have some gripe about something trivial that they blow way out of proportion. Recent examples included that my kids don't listen enough (which I understand, but after a cross country flight, 3 kids under 6 can be a little rambunctious), or little passive aggressive digs like "nobody cares what we think" or "I know you don't think I know much about this, but..." over issues relating to how we spend our money or make career decisions. It seems like they are more unhappy now that I am doing well with my job and making more money. My mom recently told me that she has no "standing" and I honestly don't know what that means? Any constructive advice on how to deal with this so we can still have nice visits for them and my kids? Thanks!! |
Anonymous
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It sounds like your parents feel irrelevant in your life….which is really their problem, but you might give it a shot to talk about if you never have before. Ask her, "Mom, the other day you said you felt like you had 'no standing' in my life. What does that mean? I'm an adult, of course, but you and Dad are important to me and I love you. You've said some things like this before. Can you explain?"
See what she says. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is a wild guess so disregard it if it doesn't fit. But your description makes me wonder if your parents spoiled you a little while you were growing up and now they are regretting it. Maybe when you were young, they seemed like perfect parents because they always gave to you and provided for you, their child, but now they want to have a relationship like adults on more of an equal level.
But their behavior does sound frustrating and annoying. All you can do is set limits and not allow them to interfere with your life choices and hopefully things will get better. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the comments. I don't think I was spoiled growing up. I did not grow up rich or with a lot of things, but was a good kid that did a lot of chores and worked my way through college. My parents were good in that they were loving and supportive. But in terms of things, I paid for a lot of my college, paid for 95% of my own wedding, and pay for almost all of their visits to DC to see us. I was, and still am, a very hard worker.
My parents can be a little needy and probably always were. I remember in college having to explain many times to my mom in particular, that I was studying and didn't have time to talk or hang out with her. When I went to grad school, there was no way I was doing that near their home because they wouldn't have understood why I wasn't hanging out with them all of the time, or was studying or doing work instead. Keep in mind, I give and gave a lot of my time to them, taking them on trips, visiting them whenever I had leave, etc. But it seems like a bottomless pit sometimes. When I would explain that I have work to do and can't socialize, etc., my mom would chastise me for not getting my work done earlier. You see the pattern here... |
Anonymous
| They are probably just needy and insecure. Sometimes personality traits can become magnified as people age. Might your mom be a little depressed? |
Anonymous
| Based on your follow-up, this really isn't something new then, but a variation on a theme, right? I don't think you're going to fix this one necessarily. |
Anonymous
12:54 here -- okay that makes sense. Clearly your parents don't have boundaries and they want you to be their best friend. Okay, I'm overstating this here but your description reminds me a little of my dh's parents who had a hard time separating from him -- and I think there was an element of them not wanting him to have friends his age and a life separate from him. Anyway, my mom wasn't quite like this but I still felt enmeshed in her emotional life as an adult. It was only after I set some boundaries with her that I began to have a better relationship with her -- because I felt like she didn't control me anymore so her anxieties didn't threaten my emotional life. Good luck with this - it sounds tough to deal with. |
Anonymous
| I think it's a function of their age and stage in life and doesn't really have to do with you. But you're they're child and they are expressing/taking things out on you because it's "safe" to do so. Seems like they're struggling to feel relevant or know what to do with their lives. They might be the type (like mine) who made every decision for the good of the family/children or their own parents, but did not develop their own interests/passions or do things for themselves. Now they feel lost or unappreciated or are wondering what it's all for. |
Anonymous
| their* child |
Anonymous
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OP here... I think my folks were always a little needy and relied a lot on me and my sibling. Now it seems a lot worse and I am not sure how to deal with it, which is why I am asking.
Before I was married with kids, I could give them a lot more attention, etc. Now, as a working mom with a husband and 3 young kids, it is a lot harder to do so. My sibling also is not as receptive to their needs which adds another dynamic. I try to be understanding but firm with them that this is the way things are now. They are usually accepting of that, but then will have an issue come up out of nowhere that they obsess about and get overly upset over. For example, my little 4 YO in a joking voice called my mom "off-putting" (probably because he heard me say this word in another context). I did tell my kid in front of my mom that this is not nice, etc. She totally freaked out about this and turned it into an issue of not being respected, having standing, etc. Honestly, I don't even think my kid knows what that word means. But she blew this up into a big thing. Both my parents are doing these type of things a lot more now, especially my mom. I don't want to distance myself from them because that is not the answer. But, I really don't like visiting them anymore because there is always some idiotic issue like this that gets them upset and starts unnecessary drama... |
Anonymous
What tips do you have? How did you set these boundaries? |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, I totally feel this is the case. My dad is better, but my mom is a social person but doesn't have many friends. I always encourage her to meet people, hang out with friends etc., because I think it's good for her. It is really hard to get her to do this. She is very needy when it comes to family members (some of my cousins too). I wish she would meet more people and be more social. When we come to visit, it is like they can't leave us alone for a single minute and talk non-stop to us. When DH and I are trying to care for our 3 little ones, we can't always give my parents undivided attention. Honestly, whenever our visits end, DH and I are exhausted because of this... Sorry for the vent here. I am just so tired after this last visit. I feel like throwing in the towel with them, but know that is not a solution. I need to learn how to set boundaries better. I try to limit our visits, but even that doesn't work all the time... |
Anonymous
Quoted PP here. I think you need to set some boundaries in a way that makes it clear that you're hiding things from them or actually trying to distance yourself. But if they're insecure they may feel that way anyway. Simultaneously work on getting your mom into SOMETHING. Anything that gets her a life. |
Anonymous
| Sorry!!! makes it clear that you're NOT* hiding things |
Anonymous
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Your parents feel like they have no place in your life and that you and your family don't respect them any more. When your 4-year old called your mom "off-putting", it was a confirmation (to her) that you consider them unpleasant to be around.
I have a similar relationship with my parents and I have dealt with it as follows: 1. I call them every weekend when the kids are in bed and talk at length with my mother. 2. I visit by myself once a year. 3. I ignore the digs and keep the conversation positive by asking them questions and affirming their good qualities. Now my children are grown and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I also can see how parents can feel displaced, even when they have careers and friendships since the relationship with one's children is not replaceable. Talk to your children about what great parents their grandparents were, their special qualities, and interesting stories/facts about their lives. This may seem like work now but it will pay off in the long run, trust me. |