Dedicated SN mom or Helicopter mom

[Anonymous]

Can't decide which label makes me more uncomfortable. I want my child to be seen for the amazing person he is and I am always so happy when he can blend even for a little while. I don't like sensing someone pities me or sees my kid as broken or

On the other hand, I've been accused of being overprotective. I do 29 manipulations to help my kid look normal and make friends. I do have to be very involved. I need to catch the descent into meltdown. I need to listen closely on playdates so I can intervene when he gets too rigid. I do slowly step back, just at a slower pace than parents of NT kids and I dance-4 steps back, 2 forward, 6 back, 4 forward...

I have even had one parent imply I was a type A mom overscheduling my kid to get him into Harvard one day. His scheduling includes things like OT, trying out whatever sport he asks to try and then moving to another if/when that one doesn't workout, speech therapy, social skills groups, playdates AND Plenty of down time. We don't give a crap about Harvard. We do give a crap about doing everything we can to help him one day be able to be independent and make many friends and hold down a job.

Anyone else feel caught between these 2 labels?

[Anonymous]

Sure. And, those people who would say "every kid does that" or some sort of variation of this statement when your own kid is doing something that is really not normal or if normal at a low level, exceeds that level by millions, made me realize how people didn't understand. I grew a thick skin. Eventually, as my son got older, people got that he was special needs. And, as he even got older and became independent and had skills at an earlier age than NT kids because I worked so hard with him from the time he was little, I realized just how right I was. Thing is for our kids, in order for them to grow up and reach their highest potential, which for my son will be college if he chooses and the ability to be a productive member of society living somewhere other than under my roof, we have to work hard and early. The only thing that really matters is getting your kid to that point, not what people think along the way - unless, of course, those people can have a negative impact on your child reaching his potential. Then you have to care and react to them.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? I got so used to trying to manage some situations I forgot that for my kid, like for any other kid, I had to let him try and fail some things or simply to try to maneuver situations for himself. Sometimes it doesn't go well, but many times I am pleasantly surprised.

So while I stay on top of things, I also am trying to be more mindful of stepping back at times.

[Anonymous]

1) I can assure you that the term "helicopter parent" was invented by someone who doesn't have an SN kid.

2) Outside of an abuse situation, critiquing one another's parenting is way out of bounds. None of us are perfect parents, and none of us are in a position to judge the parenting of kids other than our own.

3) Yes, parenting is a delicate balance between providing the protections your child needs at earlier stages of development, and teaching them the skills they need for independence. That balance is different for every kid and different at every age. The parent may or may not have the balance perfectly right, but nobody else knows it either.

[Anonymous]

Forget the labels. People with kids who do not need services don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand, OP! DH and I are probably a little too laid back in certain things, which is why he's getting bad grades in 4th grade right now. On the other hand, it's impossible to address all of our son's issues at once! Something has to give, and right now we've decided that elementary school grades are not the priority. We insist on teaching practical life skills, social and organizational guidance, sports and music, his native language (which apparently is not sinking in naturally like for our other kids), etc, etc.

My friends must have thought that I was a terribly helicoptering mother when he was little and had a President's schedule of therapies. Now those who have stuck around see that he is unable to focus, unable to tie his shoelaces, still stumbles on his words, and they understand. Sort of.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'd say back off during play dates. That's the point to learn social skills. Your kid won't be able to do this if you intervene every time he gets too rigid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Can't decide which label makes me more uncomfortable. I want my child to be seen for the amazing person he is and I am always so happy when he can blend even for a little while. I don't like sensing someone pities me or sees my kid as broken or

On the other hand, I've been accused of being overprotective. I do 29 manipulations to help my kid look normal and make friends. I do have to be very involved. I need to catch the descent into meltdown. I need to listen closely on playdates so I can intervene when he gets too rigid. I do slowly step back, just at a slower pace than parents of NT kids and I dance-4 steps back, 2 forward, 6 back, 4 forward...

I have even had one parent imply I was a type A mom overscheduling my kid to get him into Harvard one day. His scheduling includes things like OT, trying out whatever sport he asks to try and then moving to another if/when that one doesn't workout, speech therapy, social skills groups, playdates AND Plenty of down time. We don't give a crap about Harvard. We do give a crap about doing everything we can to help him one day be able to be independent and make many friends and hold down a job.

Anyone else feel caught between these 2 labels?

You sound just like me, and my kid is 12! I have never considered myself anything but "Dedicated"! who cares what others think anyhow, do what works for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. My kid has speech, sensory, auditory, focusing issues but "looks" typical. So, I really look like a "helicopter" mom. I even had one parent tell me I had to let my son "become a man" after he had a meltdown presuming I "babied" him too much. I didn't want to explain since I don't know these people or really want to know them any deeper since it was an after school activity. But, I was just thinking shut the eff up lady, you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. And can tell you it only gets worse (at least for ADHD and spectrum issues) in college. We have come to terms that there are just some things that DS cannot do - like write a college paper. The personal problem that DW and I find ourselves saying - dealing with a 20 year old (and now obviously aspergers if you were to meet - wasn't so even just a few years ago - so I don't worry about what other moms or dads migiht say) is WHEN to play tough parent, as in "you have GOT to pull yourself together, get out of bed, make a plan and get to class or we aren't paying for this anymore" and when to realize that DS is just crippled and cannot do the things we hoped he could do, so to take the tough love approach is cruel. I don't have the answer yet. But I can tell you that tough love doesn't work with some SN kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it. And can tell you it only gets worse (at least for ADHD and spectrum issues) in college. We have come to terms that there are just some things that DS cannot do - like write a college paper. The personal problem that DW and I find ourselves saying - dealing with a 20 year old (and now obviously aspergers if you were to meet - wasn't so even just a few years ago - so I don't worry about what other moms or dads migiht say) is WHEN to play tough parent, as in "you have GOT to pull yourself together, get out of bed, make a plan and get to class or we aren't paying for this anymore" and when to realize that DS is just crippled and cannot do the things we hoped he could do, so to take the tough love approach is cruel. I don't have the answer yet. But I can tell you that tough love doesn't work with some SN kids.

I appreciate your post because often it's just us with kids and teens posting. Does your DS live at home? I am assuming we will need to do this. (Ours has HFA and ADD like yours). I totally understand your dilemma. We need to have high expectations and push them, but not have too high of expectations and we don't want to push them too hard. How do we decide where the line is?

I will tell you I knew one person with HFA growing up (pretty sure, but no dx) and she is independent and doing well, but she matured at a much slower rate than her peers and still seems younger. She has close friends and a boyfriend and she makes much more eye contact than she did back then, but still has many of the quirks.

[Anonymous]

On the other hand, I've been accused of being overprotective. I do 29 manipulations to help my kid look normal and make friends. I do have to be very involved. I need to catch the descent into meltdown. I need to listen closely on playdates so I can intervene when he gets too rigid. I do slowly step back, just at a slower pace than parents of NT kids and I dance-4 steps back, 2 forward, 6 back, 4 forward...

I think the answer to this question depends on how old your child is. If he's in earlier elementary, it sounds fine. If he's in older elementary, I think you need to at least give his friends a chance to tell him he is being too rigid at the play date before you get intervene. Also, if he's in older elementary, while I understand wanting him to "look normal," to some degree, the focus has to begin to shift to making a few good friends who can accept him for who he is, even if it isn't entirely "normal," and maintaining those relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

Whoa - defensive. I have no idea where you got the above from my previous post. I wasn't lashing out, and I didn't say my kid was struggling at all. You are EXHIBIT A of my complaint about this group. I asked some honest questions about the excessive level of dedication that many people on this forum have and to what end. And from that, you suggested my kid has red flags for SN issues. Did you read my post?