Dedicated SN mom or Helicopter mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

Whoa - defensive. I have no idea where you got the above from my previous post. I wasn't lashing out, and I didn't say my kid was struggling at all. You are EXHIBIT A of my complaint about this group. I asked some honest questions about the excessive level of dedication that many people on this forum have and to what end. And from that, you suggested my kid has red flags for SN issues. Did you read my post?

Interesting. You start off your post with "I'm going to piss you all off with this response" And when someone reacts, you call them defensive and claim innocence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

Whoa - defensive. I have no idea where you got the above from my previous post. I wasn't lashing out, and I didn't say my kid was struggling at all. You are EXHIBIT A of my complaint about this group. I asked some honest questions about the excessive level of dedication that many people on this forum have and to what end. And from that, you suggested my kid has red flags for SN issues. Did you read my post?

Interesting. You start off your post with "I'm going to piss you all off with this response" And when someone reacts, you call them defensive and claim innocence.

I prefaced with that, knowing that people on this forum were going to be offended by my personal view that they are over-invested in their kids' lives. If someone responded angrily to that, so be it. But instead of responding to my response, the poster strongly suggested that my kid (whom I said literally nothing about in my post) has SN such that things are going to get "more dire" for us. What the ef? You guys are literally crazy, and i'm getting off this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

It doesn't end b/c these are our kids and we love them and give them what they need. It isn't a question of throwing a kid in the pool and seeing if they can swim. We are talking about something that is all consuming and affects the rest of a child's life (i.e., not just a speech articulation issue that can be fixed with a 6 months of ST). And maybe the kiddo in college needs to finish the paper to get a degree but he is majoring in something else? I'm sure that the parents and the college kid are on top of it. I can totally relate to the OP b/c I feel like I still need to manage my 7th grader's entire life. We aren't in the constant merry-go-round of OT/ST/PT that we were in when he was younger but there are other issues to deal with (primarily social). I read a Huffington Post article recently about letting your kid fail. It wasn't specifically directed at special needs kids but my kid does not study for tests. I'd rather have him learn the consequences in 7th grade when there really are no consequences than in 11th grade. So I don't harp on him to study. I offer to help but if he rejects my help, I don't push. I don't know what the future will hold for him and if he will be socially mature enough to go to college (and he cannot write a 7th grade paper without a lot of help so I can't imagine him writing a college paper). I feel for the pp with the son in college - it must be so hard. We are hoping for community college or a school nearby with a good special needs program but we have several years to worry about that. 7th grade gives me enough to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Can't decide which label makes me more uncomfortable. I want my child to be seen for the amazing person he is and I am always so happy when he can blend even for a little while. I don't like sensing someone pities me or sees my kid as broken or

On the other hand, I've been accused of being overprotective. I do 29 manipulations to help my kid look normal and make friends. I do have to be very involved. I need to catch the descent into meltdown. I need to listen closely on playdates so I can intervene when he gets too rigid. I do slowly step back, just at a slower pace than parents of NT kids and I dance-4 steps back, 2 forward, 6 back, 4 forward...

I have even had one parent imply I was a type A mom overscheduling my kid to get him into Harvard one day. His scheduling includes things like OT, trying out whatever sport he asks to try and then moving to another if/when that one doesn't workout, speech therapy, social skills groups, playdates AND Plenty of down time. We don't give a crap about Harvard. We do give a crap about doing everything we can to help him one day be able to be independent and make many friends and hold down a job.

Anyone else feel caught between these 2 labels?

OP, you are me I am the helicopter parent. I fret over every playdate or birthday party. I even joined the PTA and I volunteer regularly at his school. My DS doesn't have meltdowns but he has severe ADHD. Once the drugs wear off, he's bouncing off the walls. Sure, he did lose some friends over the years because they or their parents were not comfortable around an SN child but there are still quite a few people who are more than cool with him.

[Anonymous]

There is a line with every child SN or NT. For many SN children, they are delayed, but they will eventually get there in their own time. Every now and then, it is good to step back to see what will happen. IME, early failure is better than late and way less expensive. Small steps aways moving forward. I generally look at what has changed over the past year. I can find positive changes then. I also look forward several years to see what our goals should be- and then break them up into smaller steps. Monthly is too short a period to see forward movement. If it takes a few more years than NT children, so be it. Gap years, CC, exchange programs, red shirting, planning high school classes so they are in HS for 5 years instead of 4 are all ways to do this.

We are about to "launch" our HFA child this fall. I am nervous but cautiously optimistic. He is majoring in engineering at a school that is primarily engineering, so he will be among his own kind. I hope he finds his Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Hofstadter and Cooper. He has matured more in the last two years than I thought possible when he entered HS. Yes, he is still relatively "young" and naive, but I can see he is still progressing and will get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

Whoa - defensive. I have no idea where you got the above from my previous post. I wasn't lashing out, and I didn't say my kid was struggling at all. You are EXHIBIT A of my complaint about this group. I asked some honest questions about the excessive level of dedication that many people on this forum have and to what end. And from that, you suggested my kid has red flags for SN issues. Did you read my post?

Interesting. You start off your post with "I'm going to piss you all off with this response" And when someone reacts, you call them defensive and claim innocence.

I prefaced with that, knowing that people on this forum were going to be offended by my personal view that they are over-invested in their kids' lives. If someone responded angrily to that, so be it. But instead of responding to my response, the poster strongly suggested that my kid (whom I said literally nothing about in my post) has SN such that things are going to get "more dire" for us. What the ef? You guys are literally crazy, and i'm getting off this site.

I bolded sentence implies you came here with questions and you were annoyed because people were concerned. In your words they were "trying to find special needs everywhere." Step back and ask yourself why you are so angry and defensive. If you don't want to get our opinions then simply move away and find a thread or message board that suits you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

I get the sense you came here a few times hoping people would say what you describe is normal and when they didn't give you what you wanted you got angry. None of us want your kid to have struggles. You may think it's just a profit machine for clinicians, but we anonymous posters have nothing to gain. It is not our fault if your kid is struggling. I have seen posts here where people did say something sounded normal, but it sounds like in your case, people read some red-flags.

Please save your anger and hostility for your gym workouts, therapist, or punching bag. I'm going to be really honest and say I know people just like you. They lashed out at anyone who dared to say the kid needed help. Sometimes they got over themselves and got help, often they didn't until things got more dire. The earlier you deal with an issue and get help the better the outcome in many cases. Some parents on here spend hours and hours getting PT, OT and everything else so that their child can finally walk, or finally communicate in some way and that would not happen on it's own. Some of us luck out and all the hours of intervention help our kids talk, succeed at school and make friends. We all want to help our kids meet their full potential and rarely will that happen by insisting there is no problem.

I have met many parents along the way with regrets. Not one person who got intervention had regrets (except for the occasional dud clinician or voodoo intervention). The ones with regrets are the ones who refused to face reality, accept their child's areas of need and get help.

Whoa - defensive. I have no idea where you got the above from my previous post. I wasn't lashing out, and I didn't say my kid was struggling at all. You are EXHIBIT A of my complaint about this group. I asked some honest questions about the excessive level of dedication that many people on this forum have and to what end. And from that, you suggested my kid has red flags for SN issues. Did you read my post?

This is the SN board. You've made your point. You don't like hearing how involved we are and how much we care about helping our kids achieve milestones. You disagree with our approach. Point taken. Now please exit stage left.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm sorry if you have found this board less than helpful but I have personally found everyone to be very supportive and reasonable. I do work full time but over the past year I have had to devote huge amounts of time to DC with special needs to the point where, yes, it has become all-consuming emotionally and financially. It is exhausting and hardly by choice. I would give anything in the world to not be in this situation. I think most of the people on this forum have had similar experiences.

There are mothers with children who are age 3 who suddenly regress and become non-verbal and they find out their child has ASD and those whose children suddenly start to fail classes due to ADHD not to mention the ones who are parents of children with other special needs that require constant 1:1 attention. Imagine having to feed and help your child go to the bathroom even when they are adults. This is the life some parents on this board are facing.

I am grateful that many of these parents can find the time to come on this board and offer their wisdom to others.. like me!... who are less experienced and I think your comments are incredibly unfair and cruel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to piss you all off with this response, but I spend a bit of time on this forum and generally avoid the SN page because I find you all so over-involved in your kids that it becomes unhelpful. I have asked a few questions on this forum, and the results are from people looking to find "special needs" everywhere. I wonder how many of you have full time jobs, or if this has become your full time job not out of necessity to your kids but because it provides meaning and purpose to your lives. Of course some of our SN kids need extra attention than some other kids, but i am a bit shocked at how all-consuming parenting is for some of you. I wonder what some of you are so scared of happening if you didn't dedicate this much of yourselves to them? And at least in our case, we have found that over-helping our kids can be detrimental (for instance, going to therapies and evals is exhausting and stressful - i think the benefits are often outweighed by teh stress). For the person with the 20 year old in college where she still needs to helicopter: at a point, shouldn't you be figuring out a work-around to the fact that your kid can't finish papers? What's he going to do in 2 years when he gets a job? Maybe he should have majored in math instead, so he doesn't need to write papers? Maybe he just needs to fail a year of college and end up in community college? Point is (and sorry to pick on that person, but the example really jumped out): when does it end? And if it is never going to end, then why make it a full-time life starting at age 3?

[Anonymous]

What am I afraid of PP at 11:52? I'll tell you: angry phone calls from teachers, failing grades, in-school suspensions, out-of-school suspensions, school refusal, withdrawal and depression, self-injury. I am afraid of all of those things not just because my kid struggles each and every day with learning and emotional disabilities, but because each and every one of them has happened already. Along the way, I've been accused of helicoptering AND disengagement--sometimes by the very same people.

The people on this board have given me support in difficult times, inspiration and advice, and even a belly laugh now and then. I am glad they are here.

[Anonymous]

To 11:52, Speical Needs is a snark-free board. Please take your thoughts elsehwere. If you cannot understand what these exhausted, emotionally fragile parents are experiencing then you should not come on here and judge them. We are all struggling mightly with our SN childrennl Please do as a PP said and go away.

[Anonymous]

Ummm... I switched from General education to special education after my son was diagnosed. And I teach at his school. I have embraced my inner helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm... I switched from General education to special education after my son was diagnosed. And I teach at his school. I have embraced my inner helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm... I switched from General education to special education after my son was diagnosed. And I teach at his school. I have embraced my inner helicopter.

Ha! Thanks for the support. I will add that this helicopter mamma is polite, respectful, force to be reckoned with in IEP meetings. Making the switch was the best thing I could have done for my kid. I'm also an attorney, teaching was a career change. Do I get a gold star for my parenting- nope. I make mistakes more than most. But I honestly feel that God was preparing my life/heart for my DS long before he arrived. And on the days I feel powerless- it gives me conviction and strength.
This is all a journey and like any parent we just want the best for our kids. So if it makes me a helicopter- that's cool.

[Anonymous]

NP here and grateful participant in the SN forum on behalf of my DS-- the folks in this forum have been so helpful to me post-psychoeducational results, private school search and beyond. Someone even name-dropped a specific education consultant who has become an advocate and friend. That said, in real life and in OP's post it is clear that there are a spectrum of levels of involvement that we SN parents take. My advice to OP is that your description leads me to believe that you are smothering your child and not allowing him opportunities to fail (I know it is so hard to see this) and then possibly, hopefully learn to succeed. My DS has some rather serious diagnosed issues but hopefully is dele loping some life skills from his interaction with his peers, neighbors and the world. It sounds like OP wants to save her child from some of this pain or perhaps doesn't have faith that her child will grow from failures. I would say that my DS has suffered some but grown a lot and I hate that it can be so hard sometimes. There is progress though and a plan for him to be an independent, self-sufficient loved and loving man.

[Anonymous]

Every kid is different, and at different developmental ages are ready for increasing independence.

But for a young child, I think there is no such thing as too involved. Early intervention works. You have to oversee the therapy to make sure it is right for your child. And you need to do therapy homework at home. And finally, you need to step in because society expects you to control your child's behavior. I remember a post on here by a non-SN mom who was upset when an SN kid hugged her own younger kid tight and wouldn't let go. Younger kid was terrified. No one liked that -- everyone thought SN mom should have stepped in! That parent who says we're over-invested is probably the first one who'll complain about something our kid did to his/her kid.

I do have a good relationship with my child's therapists, and they are comfortable telling me to take a step back when its needed. And then I do take a step back. So to OP, I would ask your child's therapists to help you evaluate whether the amount of independence you are giving is appropriate. They can really help!