How to accept it and move on...

[Anonymous]

Recently, my MIL went off on me. This is a common thing, that over the past 10 years, has happened about every 3 years. In all honesty, I don't know exactly why she doesn't care for me. I obviously have my own thoughts-- I have an education, I come from an educated, well respected family in our area, DH was an only child and I took him away, I am not the one/type she envisioned for him to marry-- but you would think after 10 years of being together, multiple children and 3 houses, that MIL would just realize and accept that I am here to stay. She hasn't come to that yet and I don't know if she ever will.

During the most recent time that she went off on me, she yelled constantly at the top of her lungs for about 20 minutes. She told me how I have ripped her family apart, how I have changed her son. She actually went as far to say that she hoped something or someone harmed me in the middle of the night. For the first time in my 10 year marriage with DH, I didn't say anything to her to persuade her or change her mind about her thoughts which is what I have normally done. However, you can't talk rational with an irrational person. A little more information: MIL treats everyone in her family similar to this-- she pitches a fit when she doesn't get her way and many people have been exposed to her wrath.

Long story short, I have decided that I will not tolerate her or DH's family any more. I don't believe that she has any justification for the way that she acts and I am so over being her punching bag for no reason. DH is in agreement with me after witnessing her hatred and believes that I shouldn't put up with it either. With that being said, none of his family is welcomed in our home, at birthday parties and I refuse to attend family gatherings with them around the holidays.

Even though I have finally decided to stand my ground and take care of myself, there is a small part of me that wishes that we could all get along and actually be a family. I never imagined that I would grow up and marry into a family who despises me. How can I get over the past and move on completely?

[Anonymous]

Why are you cutting off the whole family if the MIL is the problem? Will they make it an issue at every event if MIL isn't invited?

I'd just caution you against cutting them all off unless they are equally horrible and won't respect your decision in your home. Your DH is more likely to feel resentful and not stay supportive over the long term if ALL of his family is cut off vs his mother not being invited to events at your home.

It is a BIG life decision to decide to cut off all family. It is going to rock his and your world in ways you aren't anticipating right now. You're going to have to be prepared to deal with feelings and changes as they develop.

For me, it would be easier to say "We are making this decision for a year. We'll reevaluate next year." BEcause one of the things that would make it hard for me to move on is that it is such a permanent decision. I'd always be wondering about what if circumstances change, what if DH starts to get resentful, etc.

When I'm dealing with a tough decision, it is helpful for me to realize most decisions aren't permanent. I find it useful to say "I'm making this decision for X period of time. I can always revisit later." Then I'm able to relax for that period of time, know that I haven't slammed the door, and be at peace with it not being too extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you cutting off the whole family if the MIL is the problem? Will they make it an issue at every event if MIL isn't invited?

I'd just caution you against cutting them all off unless they are equally horrible and won't respect your decision in your home. Your DH is more likely to feel resentful and not stay supportive over the long term if ALL of his family is cut off vs his mother not being invited to events at your home.

It is a BIG life decision to decide to cut off all family. It is going to rock his and your world in ways you aren't anticipating right now. You're going to have to be prepared to deal with feelings and changes as they develop.

For me, it would be easier to say "We are making this decision for a year. We'll reevaluate next year." BEcause one of the things that would make it hard for me to move on is that it is such a permanent decision. I'd always be wondering about what if circumstances change, what if DH starts to get resentful, etc.

When I'm dealing with a tough decision, it is helpful for me to realize most decisions aren't permanent. I find it useful to say "I'm making this decision for X period of time. I can always revisit later." Then I'm able to relax for that period of time, know that I haven't slammed the door, and be at peace with it not being too extreme.

Excellent post. PP said it all.

[Anonymous]

Why does she think that you have "ripped her family apart"? Why does she think that you have changed her husband? Is she having menopause hormones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you cutting off the whole family if the MIL is the problem? Will they make it an issue at every event if MIL isn't invited?

I'd just caution you against cutting them all off unless they are equally horrible and won't respect your decision in your home. Your DH is more likely to feel resentful and not stay supportive over the long term if ALL of his family is cut off vs his mother not being invited to events at your home.

It is a BIG life decision to decide to cut off all family. It is going to rock his and your world in ways you aren't anticipating right now. You're going to have to be prepared to deal with feelings and changes as they develop.

For me, it would be easier to say "We are making this decision for a year. We'll reevaluate next year." BEcause one of the things that would make it hard for me to move on is that it is such a permanent decision. I'd always be wondering about what if circumstances change, what if DH starts to get resentful, etc.

When I'm dealing with a tough decision, it is helpful for me to realize most decisions aren't permanent. I find it useful to say "I'm making this decision for X period of time. I can always revisit later." Then I'm able to relax for that period of time, know that I haven't slammed the door, and be at peace with it not being too extreme.

Thank you for these thoughts.

I decided to cut everyone off from ME but not from my children or DH. If DH wants to see his family, if they want to see the kids, fine.

All of DH's family is two faced. Her Mother, Sister and my FIL acted as her "posse" in this blow out. None of them had anything to say but they made it clear that they were there for her because she "needed them". I just don't trust any of them and they bring so much negativity.

And, it's been surreal without any of them to bug me. DH and I actually aren't fighting, I am not nagging because my feelings are hurt.

[Anonymous]

Cutting off the whole family because of the actions of one? You may fe as big of a problem as your DH's mother and you sure as tell are doing him a disfavor. Look for this yo cause problems in your marriage. You are certainly justified in protecting yourself but punishing your spouse and the rest of his family for the actions of the mil is just bitchy. Perhaps DH married a women like dear old mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she think that you have "ripped her family apart"? Why does she think that you have changed her husband? Is she having menopause hormones?

I have no idea what the "ripping apart" means. And, she thinks I have changed her son-- I am sorry if I said her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cutting off the whole family because of the actions of one? You may fe as big of a problem as your DH's mother and you sure as tell are doing him a disfavor. Look for this yo cause problems in your marriage. You are certainly justified in protecting yourself but punishing your spouse and the rest of his family for the actions of the mil is just bitchy. Perhaps DH married a women like dear old mom.

DCUM readers seriously have a hard time READING before they comment. There is an explanation above your comment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you cutting off the whole family if the MIL is the problem? Will they make it an issue at every event if MIL isn't invited?

I'd just caution you against cutting them all off unless they are equally horrible and won't respect your decision in your home. Your DH is more likely to feel resentful and not stay supportive over the long term if ALL of his family is cut off vs his mother not being invited to events at your home.

It is a BIG life decision to decide to cut off all family. It is going to rock his and your world in ways you aren't anticipating right now. You're going to have to be prepared to deal with feelings and changes as they develop.

For me, it would be easier to say "We are making this decision for a year. We'll reevaluate next year." BEcause one of the things that would make it hard for me to move on is that it is such a permanent decision. I'd always be wondering about what if circumstances change, what if DH starts to get resentful, etc.

When I'm dealing with a tough decision, it is helpful for me to realize most decisions aren't permanent. I find it useful to say "I'm making this decision for X period of time. I can always revisit later." Then I'm able to relax for that period of time, know that I haven't slammed the door, and be at peace with it not being too extreme.

Thank you for these thoughts.

I decided to cut everyone off from ME but not from my children or DH. If DH wants to see his family, if they want to see the kids, fine.

All of DH's family is two faced. Her Mother, Sister and my FIL acted as her "posse" in this blow out. None of them had anything to say but they made it clear that they were there for her because she "needed them". I just don't trust any of them and they bring so much negativity.

And, it's been surreal without any of them to bug me. DH and I actually aren't fighting, I am not nagging because my feelings are hurt.

Grieve the loss of the family you thought you would have. Give yourself time to feel sad about it, and then you'll move on. Take comfort in calm you are experiencing with your immediate family. What you need right now is time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cutting off the whole family because of the actions of one? You may fe as big of a problem as your DH's mother and you sure as tell are doing him a disfavor. Look for this yo cause problems in your marriage. You are certainly justified in protecting yourself but punishing your spouse and the rest of his family for the actions of the mil is just bitchy. Perhaps DH married a women like dear old mom.

DCUM readers seriously have a hard time READING before they comment. There is an explanation above your comment!

Dial it back PP. If you look at the time stamps, you'll see that OP and the poster you chastised were typing at the same time.

[Anonymous]

^^^Thank you! I have felt so awkward crying or getting upset. Just hope that the day comes when none of this stings anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for these thoughts.

I decided to cut everyone off from ME but not from my children or DH. If DH wants to see his family, if they want to see the kids, fine.

All of DH's family is two faced. Her Mother, Sister and my FIL acted as her "posse" in this blow out. None of them had anything to say but they made it clear that they were there for her because she "needed them". I just don't trust any of them and they bring so much negativity.

And, it's been surreal without any of them to bug me. DH and I actually aren't fighting, I am not nagging because my feelings are hurt.

PP here, as I said before - there will be repercussions you can't imagine right now. You're putting your DH in a difficult position to choose when big life events come around - family weddings, holidays, end-of-life issues, etc.

I'm fully supportive of you not spending time with people who treat you poorly and bring lots of negativity to your life, so don't read that I'm saying you shouldn't do it. But while you're looking for closure and moving on, I think the healthiest thing to do for your marriage and for your future self is to say "this is what I'm doing for now, we can reevaluate in the future." If you dig your heels in for the rest of your life, it is going to make it difficult when those unique situations come up.

For example, you might be willing to go to an important family wedding if you're sat at a table with cousins or other more distant relatives, and if your DH is willing for you to go back to the hotel after dinner. But if you try to get closure now and declare "NEVER, I am never spending time around them again," it puts you in a position to have to "stick to your guns" and your husband in a position to have to choose.

I'm recommending a slightly softer approach for your own future self, and for the health of your marriage - NOT to leave the door open for those other people.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

In all honesty, I have moved mountains for DH's family and his Mother. WHENEVER they have wanted to see the kids, I have made it happen. DH works a lot. He isn't the one making plans and arrangements.

I have done what my MIL wanted, kept my mouth shut, gave her the opportunity to SEE multiple children BORN (I know, I am such a dumbass!) and then she pulls this stunt. Well, wait a second, it's a circle that never freaking ends. She's constantly mad at me about something, something I have said is ALWAYS a dig at her. EVERYTHING has to ALWAYS be about her.

Our wedding invitation didn't have HER name on it. She's still stomping her feet about that- and that was over 10 years ago!

[Anonymous]

You might enjoy some of the books by Dr. Henry Cloud - Boundaries and Necessary Endings (not sure if he has others). I've seen him speak live and he is just phenomenal. Maybe see if you can find any videos from him online before buying a book, but I think they would be really helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for these thoughts.

I decided to cut everyone off from ME but not from my children or DH. If DH wants to see his family, if they want to see the kids, fine.

All of DH's family is two faced. Her Mother, Sister and my FIL acted as her "posse" in this blow out. None of them had anything to say but they made it clear that they were there for her because she "needed them". I just don't trust any of them and they bring so much negativity.

And, it's been surreal without any of them to bug me. DH and I actually aren't fighting, I am not nagging because my feelings are hurt.

PP here, as I said before - there will be repercussions you can't imagine right now. You're putting your DH in a difficult position to choose when big life events come around - family weddings, holidays, end-of-life issues, etc.

I'm fully supportive of you not spending time with people who treat you poorly and bring lots of negativity to your life, so don't read that I'm saying you shouldn't do it. But while you're looking for closure and moving on, I think the healthiest thing to do for your marriage and for your future self is to say "this is what I'm doing for now, we can reevaluate in the future." If you dig your heels in for the rest of your life, it is going to make it difficult when those unique situations come up.

For example, you might be willing to go to an important family wedding if you're sat at a table with cousins or other more distant relatives, and if your DH is willing for you to go back to the hotel after dinner. But if you try to get closure now and declare "NEVER, I am never spending time around them again," it puts you in a position to have to "stick to your guns" and your husband in a position to have to choose.

I'm recommending a slightly softer approach for your own future self, and for the health of your marriage - NOT to leave the door open for those other people.

OP here.

Thank you PP for explaining. You bring up a rational, softer approach that I could see working and I understand how he may feel like he has to choose.

Thanks for your time!