How to accept it and move on...

[Anonymous]

Having been around two women with early onset Altzheimers, have your DH schedule some medical appointments immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been around two women with early onset Altzheimers, have your DH schedule some medical appointments immediately.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been around two women with early onset Altzheimers, have your DH schedule some medical appointments immediately.

OP here.

She has a husband. This woman isn't old. She's in her 50s.

I also forgot to add that I am the only member of the family that has bucked her routine. You see, in her life and world, everyone operates on her terms.

I am genuinely asking should I even think something serious is up? I have a small psych background and have though a borderline personality disorder!

[Anonymous]

This has been going on for 10 years, the woman is only in her 50's and she has a history of going off on other people.

I don't think it's Alzheimers - I've been around that myself. I think that the woman is simply a control freak who likes to run the show her way and doesn't want anyone else taking over. She makes things unpleasant for them if they ever dare push back.

Yes, probably a good idea to limit your time with her. If that means steering clear of the rest of the family in the process so be it. It's crazy how many Bad MIL threads are going on right now. Makes me scared to think that one day I'll be one myself (yikes! taking notes on what not to do!).

[Anonymous]

OP - It seems clear to me that she is furious at you because you simply married her son and took away her "direct control" over him. I think you should do for yourself what you consider important. If DH's family lives out of the area, then he and the children can go visit at times and simply call it "Mom's special time." However, certainly by middle school you will need to have an explanation and maybe sooner for any child who is the least bit perceptive on the change in relationship.

There do need to be some clear ground rules for DH to share with both his parents at the same time (1) There is never ever to be any yelling in your own home or criticism of you ever again, and especially if children are at home. (2) If he is visiting them and there is any negative talk about you, then he will simply cut the visit short and leave and such visits might end. If there are patterns in place that your young children might miss from having happen such a grandparents visit at a certain time, this "might" after a certain period be a "test case" of whether new rules could be agreed to an follow by MIl and FIL.

How does you husband get along with your family? It just occurred to me that this may be the real crux of the problem that he prefers them to his own. This is an issue that he might address face-to-face with both of them and let them clearly know that while he loves his own parents, he is not routinely taken to the wood shed by his FIL and MIL. If his parents are in same general area, then handling certain things like his birthday and their birthdays could be done at their home without you having to go. Give mIL a tast of preparing special festivities and she may also come around. Otherwise major holidays do not need to include them at your home until behaviors change.

[Anonymous]

^Oh, this is pretty bad advice, sorry. I would not start that. You don't send your kids off to visit with someone who does not respect YOU. This MIL will work to undermine Op at every opportunity and she will work to drive a wedge between Op and her husband. She has made it crystal clear that she wants Op out of the picture. It's sad but that's what Op is up against here.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am not an idiot. I know damn well my MIL wants me out of the picture. BUT-- we've been together 10 years. My husband hasn't listened to her yet and she's tried to wedge herself in between us many, many times before.

What's funny is during this whole blow up she screamed that she had "stuff" on me and that I have been lying for years but that telling my husband would destroy our family. I asked her to spill the beans but in her true fashion, there was NOTHING to say. There were NO lies.

She also said that she had all this dirt on me that I was "dogging" her on Facebook. To which DH asked her for proof and again, she couldn't produce any. She just kept scrolling up and down my Facebook page.

My husband gets along great with my family because my family is respectful and accepting.

I do find myself upset that my children see her (and the rest of his family). But, then I think that I need not be selfish because our children love their grandparents and their grandparents are great to them. It's all hard to navigate. I just wish none of this was the case!

Some people ask me what I would do if MIL ever sincerely apologized. I don't know what I would say. I know forgiveness doesn't mean that I FORGET what she's done but how the hell do I accept an apology when she screamed that she wanted someone to harm me in the middle of the night?

DH is an only child. Never has he seen her act this way. Previously, when she would say things to me (or any of his family for that matter) they did it behind his back and when he couldn't take up for me. My husband is also an introvert and absolutely hates conflict. Not dealing with her at all is my choice but I also feel like I am giving DH space to see his family without having to also take care of me-- if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Honestly Op, you have put up with way more than most people ever would. This was not a regrettable misspeak this has been an ongoing pattern with this woman. I can't imagine that you will ever get a sincere apology from her because she believes (in her own mind) that she is right about you.

Not sure what you can do about that. Sorry,

[Anonymous]

OP, just grieve the loss of your dream for a normal relationship and move on. Clearly this woman is toxic. Have no engagement with her. We believe you. Step away from this thread and get on with your life. No need to churn in this muck anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just grieve the loss of your dream for a normal relationship and move on. Clearly this woman is toxic. Have no engagement with her. We believe you. Step away from this thread and get on with your life. No need to churn in this muck anymore.

You're right. It's just nice to have people on my side. It's hard when so many are against you and have no reason to show for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just grieve the loss of your dream for a normal relationship and move on. Clearly this woman is toxic. Have no engagement with her. We believe you. Step away from this thread and get on with your life. No need to churn in this muck anymore.

You're right. It's just nice to have people on my side. It's hard when so many are against you and have no reason to show for it.

Be careful sending your kids to her w/o you around. They are at impressionable ages and the teenage years are hard enough as it....just think twice about the influence MIL will have on them. You really want to avoid being undermined now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been around two women with early onset Altzheimers, have your DH schedule some medical appointments immediately.

OP here.

She has a husband. This woman isn't old. She's in her 50s.

I also forgot to add that I am the only member of the family that has bucked her routine. You see, in her life and world, everyone operates on her terms.

I am genuinely asking should I even think something serious is up? I have a small psych background and have though a borderline personality disorder!

One of the women was only 53.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been around two women with early onset Altzheimers, have your DH schedule some medical appointments immediately.

OP here.

She has a husband. This woman isn't old. She's in her 50s.

I also forgot to add that I am the only member of the family that has bucked her routine. You see, in her life and world, everyone operates on her terms.

I am genuinely asking should I even think something serious is up? I have a small psych background and have though a borderline personality disorder!

One of the women was only 53.

Yes, but Op's MIL has been disagreeable for at least a decade, probably more. It sounds like a personality trait and that she just does not care for Op.