Help Me Not Lose My Cool w/ DS's Teacher -- rant
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
At the beginning of the school year, I met with DS's 1st grade teacher and told her:
1. DS is internationally adopted (Haiti) and didn't come to our household until he was a toddler; 2. DS repeated kindergarten (one year at previous school before we moved and then 2nd yr of kindergarten at new school after we moved); 3. I want to help DS succeed in school, and want to have open communication/involvement -- please let me know what you're observing, as he may need academic/educational supports, and this is probably the year that such needs will come to light. Basically, I wanted to have a good working relationship with the teacher. I'm not expecting daily, or even weekly, communication, just for her to keep me in the loop on important observations. When DS would come home from school and I would talk to him about his day, I'd learn he was misbehaving in school, but I never heard from the teacher. I then reached out and met with the teacher about it (at my prompting) and she said she was "wary" of DS from day 1 (??) and but that he's sweet she realizes, and now he just needs occasional re-direction and that I shouldn't worry and that if anything big happens, she'll be sure to let me know. She asked me not to prompt him with so many questions about his day, because she didn't want me making him anxious. Well, I can see DS has issues with reading and math. It isn't getting better. He suffered early deprivations including no pre-natal care, low birth weight and early malnutrition. At 12 months, he was the size my bio DD was AT BIRTH. I took him for baseline psychological testing. One part of the process was getting his teacher to fill out a questionnaire. I just met with the doctor who went over the teacher's responses with me and the doc said the teacher seems to have a very negative opinion of DS, more so than any of the people surveyed. Even though I haven't heard from the teacher in MONTHS -- not since I initiated that meeting in the Fall -- the teacher described DS as "oppositional, resentful, and angry" -- and she rated his "aggression" at a level that is more than double the statistical average for a 7 year old. WTF -- why did she not tell me she felt this way? The doc did not observe any such extremes in DS and thinks that because DS is a very, very, VERY dark skinned black boy in an all white school and all white class, his teacher may be more quick to write him off as a troublemaker when really he might have AD/HD and/or other LDs that could improve with intervention. I am fine with her formulating her an opinion about him even if it's not one I agree with, but for god's sake -- tell me! I would have been involved a long time ago!! She assured me she would contact me if there were ever a reason to be concerned with his behavior at school and I feel like she's just written him off. The doctor actually told me that if the other teachers in school are like this teacher, we need to "run" away to a new school. I'm so pissed off at myself for trusting that this teacher would communicate with me. I feel like I let DS down. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I am a teacher and I almost always say that you should meet with the teacher first to work out issues before going to the administration. However, in this case I think it would do little good. I think you should go to the principal directly and tell him/her everything you've laid out here, including what the physician said. As you mentioned, these early years are so important, especially for a child that needs extra support like your son.
Best wishes to you. |
Anonymous
| I would be very mad too. |
Anonymous
| I agree with your assessment of the teacher, OP. However, I do have to ask if at any time during your adoption process (which from Haiti I know is lengthy), did anyone mention that an all white class and all white school might not be the best place for a Haitian adoptee? This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when adoptees are put in situations of being the odd man out. |
Anonymous
| You should move to a school with more diversity. Under no circumstances, should you let your child integrate a school. You know he may have some problems, don't add dealing with a possible racist teacher to the list. |
Anonymous
|
I object to the deletion of my previous post, which wasn't "mean" or off topic.
OP should consider the fact that her child is not the only one in this class. I don't know who reported the post, but telling OP to check herself and consider a different perspective is not out of line. The deletion was, however. Shame on you. |
Anonymous
|
"dark skinned black boy in an all white school and all white class"
Yeah, I knew that was coming (I got a dogwhistle from "wary"). This is not a good environment for him. |
Anonymous
Why is this a problem? This should have nothing to do with the child's treatment. If the teacher is the problem, that is different. |
Anonymous
|
OP here -- my DS is really well adjusted socially and has lots of friends of many races -- he's the only black child, but there are other ethnicities. It's the darn teacher that has been the issue. The doctor told me that sometimes teachers attribute more negative intent to darker children. but I can't just sell my house and move. That seems an extreme suggestion.
We're not going to just conclude that him being in a school that is majority white is de facto damaging to him. I feel that the white people at his school have been nothing but lovely. My problem is this teacher. I am going to be my son's advocate -- we are looking at changing schools but I am not putting my house up for sale. I have other children to think about to. |
Anonymous
Nobody is suggesting you sell your house - you are aware that changing schools doesn't require that, so stop with the drama. Also your last line is REALLY telling. You'll move your son if it's convenient, but if not, oh well because your other children are happy? Unbelievable. |
Anonymous
| You sound as if you have done absolutely no research on transracial adoption. |
Anonymous
|
OP here -- first of all, it's not a transracial adoption. Thanks for assuming.
Second, I'm reeling from just finding out about this issue with my son's teacher. Third, I researched international adoption for years. My adoption itself took almost 2 years. My DS has overcome incredible odds and is really happy -- he just has some slow learning. I'm absolutely 10000% committed to getting him into a more diverse, supportive school environment. But I can't change the racial demographics of the county, and I can't move. |
Anonymous
|
You don't have to conclude that the school is damaging to him now, you may not find out in the future. I have heard quite a few negative stories of black adults who placed in all white environments as children and the situations that occurred that they didn't have the coping skills to handle/nor did they tell their parents until years later. My husband has several stories. Just having other ethinicities/races at the school doesn't mean anything. Is anyone his race/ethnicity? All minority groups are not the same.
Children can tell when someone doesn't like them. It may be that she never lets him be line leader or calls on him when he raises his hand. She could assume that when there is a problem that he is the cause. Prejudices can go much deeper than you seem to realize. Having him be the token black child in his class or school is not a good thing especially since so many negative stereotypes are attached to being black. |
Anonymous
| How is the rest of the school? Do the rest of the staff seem reliable and approachable? |
Anonymous
OP, PP is being snarky and the advice is poor. Moving does not solve anything anyway. The problem is not the child's color. The problem is the relationship with the teacher. It is also possible that the teacher filled out the form on a bad day--that happens. I'd meet with her again and then with the principal and try to move forward. |