Help Me Not Lose My Cool w/ DS's Teacher -- rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.

Did you even read the OP? This is not about the teacher not calling because she had to tell Johnny to stop talking out of turn one time. This was clearly not an issue that was "solved with a warning." You're being obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previous two PPs -- THANK YOU. Both of you have been enormously helpful.

Yes, I think my DS has been disruptive and that his conduct in school leaves something to be desired. It's not that I disagree with the teacher. I just wish i'd known. With my other two children (bi-racial bio kids who are much lighter skinned), I always knew right away when their teacher thought there was something I should know.

I also admit I posted the first two times when I was a bit hot under the collar. I see now no one was serious suggesting that I move. I've had a glass of wine and I'm a bit calmer now.

OP I think this is the heart if the issue, right? The teacher didn't communicate that your son was having such difficulties. I had this happen when my DS8 was in preschool- nothing for his teachers (notes, mentions as I picked him up, e- mails, etc.) until they called me in for a conference and seemed quite put out. (My DS is in second has an LD and is currently being tested for ADHD).

My DS has had issues with ither teachers but I knew fairly quickly.

It's very poor communication for the teacher to blindside you. I don't know anything about how black children cope in mostly white schools- I imagine it can be challenging. I do know as a poor kid (wearing the same clothes each day and lacking some basic hygiene care) in a middle and upper class school, that I felt that the teachers did not like me or give me the benefit of the doubt. I know the other students were mean and the teachers didn't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

I think your doctor was pretty unprofessional in the assessment of the school and teacher unless he/she observed in that context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your doctor was pretty unprofessional in the assessment of the school and teacher unless he/she observed in that context.

Yeah, I'm a little stunned at the doctors assumption of racism, and the OP's immediate willingness to accept it. It couldn't possibly be the kid - must be the racist teacher!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, it is also possible that the teacher filled out the form harshly because she wanted to be sure that your son receives additional help. I don't understand why she didn't let you know, but I am trying to play devil's advocate. More likely, though, is the 'bad day" theory. Your son may have had a really bad day when she filled out the form.

Yes!! This!! I'm also a first grade teacher, and my goal is always to help get a child services. If I think filling out a form a little stricter than necessary (like checking all 5 instead of all 4s) will help a child get help he needs, I'd definatley do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your doctor was pretty unprofessional in the assessment of the school and teacher unless he/she observed in that context.

Yeah, I'm a little stunned at the doctors assumption of racism, and the OP's immediate willingness to accept it. It couldn't possibly be the kid - must be the racist teacher!

The issue isn't that the teacher thinks the kid is misbehaving, the OP acknowledges that her child sometimes struggles behaviorally at school. The issue is that the teacher didn't think that the kid was worth problem solving. If she really thinks the kid's behavior is significantly outside the norm, then she had a responsibility to raise that with the parents. It's March. A parent shouldn't have to wait that long for feedback, especially if they've explicitly asked for feedback, and their kid is struggling.

I'm the PP with the AA kid who felt that the school's expectations were too low for my kid. In my case, one example was the school telling me over and over again, when I asked about his reading level, that it was fine, he was "meeting expectations". He was "right where we want him to be". And then sending home a note a month before DC CAS saying that he needed to stay after school for a class for kids who were "not expected to pass". When I asked how "not expected to pass" could be "right where they wanted him to be", they had no answer.

Same thing here, the school is expecting to see a black boy with behavior problems, so rather than seeing them as something that can be problem solved, and reaching out to the parent to be a partner in problem solving, they're seeing what they expect to see, and thus aren't trying to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previous two PPs -- THANK YOU. Both of you have been enormously helpful.

Yes, I think my DS has been disruptive and that his conduct in school leaves something to be desired. It's not that I disagree with the teacher. I just wish i'd known. With my other two children (bi-racial bio kids who are much lighter skinned), I always knew right away when their teacher thought there was something I should know.

I also admit I posted the first two times when I was a bit hot under the collar. I see now no one was serious suggesting that I move. I've had a glass of wine and I'm a bit calmer now.

OP I think this is the heart if the issue, right? The teacher didn't communicate that your son was having such difficulties. I had this happen when my DS8 was in preschool- nothing for his teachers (notes, mentions as I picked him up, e- mails, etc.) until they called me in for a conference and seemed quite put out. (My DS is in second has an LD and is currently being tested for ADHD).

My DS has had issues with ither teachers but I knew fairly quickly.

It's very poor communication for the teacher to blindside you. I don't know anything about how black children cope in mostly white schools- I imagine it can be challenging. I do know as a poor kid (wearing the same clothes each day and lacking some basic hygiene care) in a middle and upper class school, that I felt that the teachers did not like me or give me the benefit of the doubt. I know the other students were mean and the teachers didn't seem to care.

My experience as well - my elementary teachers were a little more protective (my parents were serious hippies so my siblings and I were just a mess) but by jr. high the teachers shared the social biases of their students. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your doctor was pretty unprofessional in the assessment of the school and teacher unless he/she observed in that context.

Yeah, I'm a little stunned at the doctors assumption of racism, and the OP's immediate willingness to accept it. It couldn't possibly be the kid - must be the racist teacher!

The issue isn't that the teacher thinks the kid is misbehaving, the OP acknowledges that her child sometimes struggles behaviorally at school. The issue is that the teacher didn't think that the kid was worth problem solving. If she really thinks the kid's behavior is significantly outside the norm, then she had a responsibility to raise that with the parents. It's March. A parent shouldn't have to wait that long for feedback, especially if they've explicitly asked for feedback, and their kid is struggling.

I'm the PP with the AA kid who felt that the school's expectations were too low for my kid. In my case, one example was the school telling me over and over again, when I asked about his reading level, that it was fine, he was "meeting expectations". He was "right where we want him to be". And then sending home a note a month before DC CAS saying that he needed to stay after school for a class for kids who were "not expected to pass". When I asked how "not expected to pass" could be "right where they wanted him to be", they had no answer.

Same thing here, the school is expecting to see a black boy with behavior problems, so rather than seeing them as something that can be problem solved, and reaching out to the parent to be a partner in problem solving, they're seeing what they expect to see, and thus aren't trying to change anything.

I don't disagree, but the doctor made some sweeping statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- my DS is really well adjusted socially and has lots of friends of many races -- he's the only black child, but there are other ethnicities. It's the darn teacher that has been the issue. The doctor told me that sometimes teachers attribute more negative intent to darker children. but I can't just sell my house and move. That seems an extreme suggestion.
We're not going to just conclude that him being in a school that is majority white is de facto damaging to him. I feel that the white people at his school have been nothing but lovely. My problem is this teacher.

I am going to be my son's advocate -- we are looking at changing schools but I am not putting my house up for sale. I have other children to think about to.

OP: I'm AA and grew up as the only "one" in my entire high school class of 200 people. I would never support any black child being the only "one" in their class, even with other minorities. AND.... There is too much of a stigma in this country being placed on black men. Its not right, and its your job to put DS in a positive, uplifting environment with people he can relate to. There are so many diverse schools in this area. It will take some effort on your part, but surely you can get him to a better place.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry this teacher failed to bring you in the loop. But, I'm not surprised. As a black man, I am terrified of how my kids will deal with school, particularly if they have special needs.

Putting that aside, OP, if you have the resources, get your son tested and get a developmental pediatrician and a team together to put together an educational recommendation for your son's needs. Kids do incredibly well if they get intervention, the sooner the better (I am talking like now, OP. This is an ASAP issue).

You should honestly not expect much from teachers, OP. Implicit racism is a real thing in the classroom. There have been tons of research on this. But you can do better and give this child what he needs to succeed on his level. You got that, OP.

Again, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Did you all see the post about a parent looking for a school district that supported black children? The universal response was send your kid to private school. That is depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- first of all, it's not a transracial adoption. Thanks for assuming.

Second, I'm reeling from just finding out about this issue with my son's teacher.

Third, I researched international adoption for years. My adoption itself took almost 2 years. My DS has overcome incredible odds and is really happy -- he just has some slow learning.
I'm absolutely 10000% committed to getting him into a more diverse, supportive school environment. But I can't change the racial demographics of the county, and I can't move.

Ever go to an AA party? Every single parent there says the exact same thing. Their little snowflake is treated badly because he is "darker"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.

OP wasn't asking for notification for EVERY behavioral problem. Did you read her post? And I'm thankful that you're not my children's teacher

[Anonymous]

OP, these people don't get it. They have the privilege of not having to understand. But this is an issue. If your kid is developmentally off from a behavior standpoint that the teacher filled the form out the way she did and didn't include you in the loop? Yes. She wants to pass this kid on, make it someone else's problem, avoid paperwork, and will cross her fingers that the kid has parents who aren't on top of his education. She may have relied on some racist assumptions to support this. But that's neither here nor there.

You need to build a record with appropriate health providers. Get the testing done. And go to the principal and ask for an IEP meeting to address these concerns.

Some teachers, like every other field, are lazy. You got a lazy one, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- I appreciate the thoughtful discussion and suggestion. I'm dismayed that the teacher was not communicative with me but stunningly, when I talked to an educational consultant yesterday, she told me that she'd just talked to another family from the SAME SCHOOL who also had a first grader and the first grade teacher told them, "if there's a problem, I'll let you know," and then never got back to them. The impression I have of the teacher is that she's a bit set in her ways and can't be told anything and she feels she knows best.

I don't think the doctor said anything inappropriate to me about the teacher. The doctor certainly did not say the teacher was racist and I don't think the teacher was racist. The doctor warned me to be aware of implicit bias, which manifests in ways such as rating a black child as being aggressive at a rate of double the statistical average, when there hasn't been a single reported incident coming out of the school of aggressive behavior. Not one note home, never sent to the principal, never asked to sit out of recess -- on what basis is he then double the aggressiveness of children his age, generally?

I am doing my research and putting together a comprehensive plan for my son that will include counseling, psychiatric evaluation to determine whether he has LDs and/or ADHD, academic tutoring, and exploring whether his school is going to be a good fit for next year or whether there is a better school. I know I need to advocate for my child and build his confidence and self esteem while he's young.

I don't think his teacher is a bad person -- she just has not communicated with me to the degree I felt was appropriate and I felt blindsided by the decidedly negative view she seems to hold of my child. Even if she thought my child was uncommonly brilliant and gifted, I'd want to know that too as a parent so that I could advocate appropriately.