Help Me Not Lose My Cool w/ DS's Teacher -- rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also your last line is REALLY telling. You'll move your son if it's convenient, but if not, oh well because your other children are happy? Unbelievable.

OP, PP is being snarky and the advice is poor. Moving does not solve anything anyway. The problem is not the child's color. The problem is the relationship with the teacher. It is also possible that the teacher filled out the form on a bad day--that happens. I'd meet with her again and then with the principal and try to move forward.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

1. Moving is not the answer.

2. Please separate the emotional baggage from the content of the teacher's message. Perhaps it's true that your son has behavioral challenges. At this point it does not serve your son to wreak revenge on the teacher but to evaluate whether her observations are correct and need to be addressed.

A child's behavior in an unknown doctor's office will be far different from his behavior in a crowded, over-stimulating classroom. Perhaps both observations were true within their context!

3. What did the doctor recommend? What was this psych test? There are many distinct and painstaking evaluations for different profiles such as ADHD, Asperger's, dyslexia, global developmental delays, specific delays, etc. There are also separate IQ tests such as the WPPSI (for his age group). Can he sit still for a few minutes do work on his own? Is he highly energetic and impulsive? I recommend you explore at least the ADHD possibility, given that he exhibits some behavioral and functional disregulation. There is also the full neuropsych eval but that will cost you at least 3K.

The secret to dealing with schools is that the parent pays for a private evaluation, and if there is a formal diagnosis, he/she calls an IEP meeting to get an IEP, a formal document that legally guarantees services and accommodations from the school. You cannot rely on the goodwill of overworked case managers in public schools to reliably evaluate a child, given it will add to their workload of they find a diagnosis. The system is thus unfair to low-income families.

Good luck moving forward, OP. Focus on your child's progress, not the teacher. There are still some years for you to act, although obviously the sooner the better. Written reports from specialists can take months, FYI.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm also an adoptive parent of a black child. My child is much older than yours, and because we are a transracial family his adoption is "conspicuous" meaning that all his teachers know as soon as they meet me and my husband.

There have been many times through the years I received feedback over and over again that my child is doing "fine" or "meeting expectations", only to find out later that he was behind the benchmark. I can only conclude that he was "meeting expectations" because their expectations for him as a black boy were low to begin with. This has happened with professionals in very diverse settings, as well as professionals in predominantly white settings. I agree that moving isn't the answer. My kid has been in 5 different schools since preschool, and other than his preschool, which was exceptional, we've encountered lowered expectations in every school. 2/4 of those schools were majority kids of color, and that didn't make a difference either.

[Anonymous]

Previous two PPs -- THANK YOU. Both of you have been enormously helpful.

Yes, I think my DS has been disruptive and that his conduct in school leaves something to be desired. It's not that I disagree with the teacher. I just wish i'd known. With my other two children (bi-racial bio kids who are much lighter skinned), I always knew right away when their teacher thought there was something I should know.

I also admit I posted the first two times when I was a bit hot under the collar. I see now no one was serious suggesting that I move. I've had a glass of wine and I'm a bit calmer now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- my DS is really well adjusted socially and has lots of friends of many races -- he's the only black child, but there are other ethnicities. It's the darn teacher that has been the issue. The doctor told me that sometimes teachers attribute more negative intent to darker children. but I can't just sell my house and move. That seems an extreme suggestion.
We're not going to just conclude that him being in a school that is majority white is de facto damaging to him. I feel that the white people at his school have been nothing but lovely. My problem is this teacher.

I am going to be my son's advocate -- we are looking at changing schools but I am not putting my house up for sale. I have other children to think about to.

??
In your OP, you stated "all white class" and "all white school"
And stared your child was very very very dark skinned. Surely denying that may be part of the difficulty and not the best situation for your child is something to be considered.
You must know there are charter, magnet and private school options that don't involve moving?

[Anonymous]

PP, yes, I know that now. My DS is in the first grade. We're in the process of retaining an educational consultant to help advise us as we begin researching the options and coming up with the best fit.
Thank you.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm not suggesting you lower your expectations for your son, but I do suggest that you give some considerations to what your expectations are. I plead guilty to having expectations for one of my children that were not always realistic. Think about it.

[Anonymous]

As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.

[Anonymous]

He needs to be EMT'd. Simply going back and forth in this manner won't help him.

This step doesn't necessarily mean he'll be coded. However, it will allow his teachers and specialists to create a plan of action - a set of strategies - that will help him AND his teacher. So it's a monitoring device at both ends.

He may have some adjustment issues, or it may be his teacher. Wouldn't it be best to test it out first instead of making assumptions?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to call a meeting with the teacher, this specialist you mention, and any school-based specialists and an administrator? I'd think this is a normal meeting for a kid with special needs. Sounds like a round-table needs to happen where your specialist can politely call her out and point out her ratings are severe in front of others.

This way, if you must escalate, you can have background info already on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.

Then you are failing as a teacher and a parent cannot work on any concerns or get the child outside help if you will not communicate with them.

Op, as adoptive parent, we know that there is a much higher likelihood of special needs. You may need to look at alternative schools for your child. I would also be very concerned about him being at an all white school with no similar peers.

[Anonymous]

As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.


Then you are failing as a teacher and a parent cannot work on any concerns or get the child outside help if you will not communicate with them.

To the teacher, it sounds to me like you are doing fine. Pay no attention to the mom that tells you that you are failing. I taught first grade for a loooooong time. I cannot imagine contacting a parent for every behavior issue that occurred. If you can handle it in the classroom, you are doing the right thing. If it happens several times a day and becomes a problem, then the parent needs to know.

OP, it is also possible that the teacher filled out the form harshly because she wanted to be sure that your son receives additional help. I don't understand why she didn't let you know, but I am trying to play devil's advocate. More likely, though, is the 'bad day" theory. Your son may have had a really bad day when she filled out the form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- my DS is really well adjusted socially and has lots of friends of many races -- he's the only black child, but there are other ethnicities. It's the darn teacher that has been the issue. The doctor told me that sometimes teachers attribute more negative intent to darker children. but I can't just sell my house and move. That seems an extreme suggestion.
We're not going to just conclude that him being in a school that is majority white is de facto damaging to him. I feel that the white people at his school have been nothing but lovely. My problem is this teacher.

I am going to be my son's advocate -- we are looking at changing schools but I am not putting my house up for sale. I have other children to think about to.

People have been known to sell and move for a better situation for their children.

[Anonymous]

People have been known to sell and move for a better situation for their children.

So, you have convicted the teacher and the school already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a first grade teacher, I don't have the time, energy, or ability to notify parents about every behavior problem in my class. If something is solved with a warning or a few minutes in a "take a break" location, I let it go. With 25 parents, I've only spoken to one parent repeatedly about behavior. If parents initiate a conversation I answer questions, but teachers are already busy.

Maybe try checking in with the teacher at pick up once in a while, and see if you can get a more accurate account of what's happening in the classroom.

Then you are failing as a teacher and a parent cannot work on any concerns or get the child outside help if you will not communicate with them.

Op, as adoptive parent, we know that there is a much higher likelihood of special needs. You may need to look at alternative schools for your child. I would also be very concerned about him being at an all white school with no similar peers.

+1
Based on what OP said about the teacher's written eval, nothing seems to have been solved with a warning or a break. And she is specifically asking for information. If you are too busy to provide information that is specifically asked for, you need to consider changing some things about the way you do your job.