How bad is it to decline an offer to be a bridesmaid for my SIL?

[Anonymous]

Back story: SIL and DH are the only 2 children in their family but spaced further apart than is ideal, and they have never had a good relationship. They are both opposite extremes of personalities and just clash badly. Their relationship goes back and forth from being strained to nonexistent and back again. I don't like her, but at the same time I don't think she is solely to blame for their relationship issues.. DH is at fault too. She has never liked me - we are the exact same age and I am very successful and she is not (to be blunt). She has a huge chip on her shoulder because of this. She also is one of those counter-culture types and I am as blonde and preppy as they come.. for me, this would not have been an issue, but it clearly is for her. Before I even met her, she told DH that I looked like an annoying sorority girl after seeing a picture of me. For years, I was so nice and finally just was done with it. Every time we have had a major event in our life (wedding, death of close family member, etc) she has tried to make it all about her and I'm just totally over it.

Lately, she has been making an uncharacteristically concerted effort to try to have some kind of relationship with us and our child. I have been nothing but supportive of this and even started being the one to figure out plans with her when my DH was being flaky about it. My DH mentioned to me that he thinks she is "up to something" or wants something from us, and I tend to agree with him.. this just is not normal behavior from her. I think that she and her serious bf are about to get engaged and she will want us to be in the wedding... that's the only thing I can think of.

I'm trying to figure out a strategy in advance in case something gets sprung upon me, how do I tactfully decline any offer to be in the wedding? I think DH has to be in it, and I am ok with our child in it, but no way am I going to do that myself. If it was a matter of just wearing the dress I could probably deal, but the whole thing with a bachelorette party, etc - not happening. Any way to nicely decline this offer if/when I am asked?

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't like you, she's likely hoping you'll decline anyway. If your child is asked to be in it, then you have an easy out--"if I'm a bridesmaid I can't wrangle the child and make sure the ring bearer doesn't do something crazy."

[Anonymous]

No, you need to do it. It's family.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn't like you, she's likely hoping you'll decline anyway. If your child is asked to be in it, then you have an easy out--"if I'm a bridesmaid I can't wrangle the child and make sure the ring bearer doesn't do something crazy."

The only reason I think that she actually may want me to be in it is that she doesn't seem to have many friends. She may just need a body, you know? But yes, I was thinking of the same easy out! Ok, I will prob do that.

[Anonymous]

You are pre-emptively planning excuses in case you are asked?

If she made the first attempt at repairing relationships, then you should step up and take part. Given your history, I doubt she will want you to be the lead bridesmaid.

Do you live in the same city? No? Then even less work for you.

[Anonymous]

Stop making the plans if DH doesn't. Really.

She's never been nice to you, never liked you…why are you putting forth any effort at all?

[Anonymous]

I would remain open to improving the relationship. Maybe she's finally growing up and seeing the value of improving the relationship. It's rare but people do change. I get on so much better now with my SIL than when DH and I first married (in our case it didn't happen until after MIL died - it tended to be the two of them against me).

You should expect that if you decline the bridesmaid request without a REALLY good reason (e.g. want to be able to supervise your child being in the wedding) you will kill any progress that has been made in improving the relationship. Is it really worth it?

[Anonymous]

With whom has she been trying to make this concerted effort to have a relationship with you, your husband, and your child? Have MIL and FIL been involved with this effort?

[Anonymous]

Do it. If you don't, it will haunt you for years.

[Anonymous]

You stand there in the dress. It isn't complicated.

Don't make it complicated.

[Anonymous]

OP - Since she hasn't liked you for YEARS, it's unlikely she likes you now or ever will. The bridesmaid thing is probably to USE you for her own purposes.

I don't reward bad behavior. I would decline this in a heart beat. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Do it unless you van bow out gracefully with yr kid as an excuse. It's okay to skip the bachelorette etc.

Maybe she is growing up and wants to have a better relationship.

[Anonymous]

We do live in the same city. So yeah, I feel like I may get roped into stuff. If we didn't, I would be more open to it.

I'm only making any small amount of effort because she is our child's only living aunt/uncle (I'm really outing myself here) and I don't want my own feelings to influence their relationship. To give you an idea, she has probably seen our child 5-10 times over the course of three years of living in the same city.

I know that MIL wants her and DH to be closer, but I think she has given up. I do think that her boyfriend may be putting pressure on her because he thinks its weird that they have no relationship. I thought the same and did the same at first, too.